I wished for you,
Many times.

I searched for you,
Always.

There is a peacefulness
A stillness
With death

That I never thought was there

Witnessing your last breath was the most
Earth shattering thing

The loudest moment of silence

GRIEF is not peaceful
It is pain and hurt and blackness

But that transition of planes;

Mimicking eagle's wings
The ocean's gentle tides

There was a peacefulness with your death

And God,

Do I miss you

Dad

I love you like jazz notes
All over the place and messy

I love you slow
Like a burning ember holding onto firewood

I love you fiercely
I love you now
And then
And always

In secret
In whisper

I haven't felt my heart beat in a very long time
So long that cobwebs filled the space
A stillness stirred inside my ribcage

Until one night where your eyes met mine, again
And the world became full of color
My cheeks were flushed and a warmth radiated out of my fingertips

A low pitter-patter made its way to my eardrums
My heart was beating;
Butterfly wings kissed the inside of my stomach

And I was sure that I felt alive again,

I haven't felt this way in a very long time

I collided into you with eyes closed and palms raw

And to this day,
I still feel the aftershocks of our skin touching

Meeting you wasn't like some storm;
No stillness before the lashing of rain and wind

Meeting you was sudden
It was violent
Meeting you was loud

And now I'm just left with these small aftershocks;
Just a taste of what it was like to touch your skin with mine

Collide with me again

I've never craved loudness
But I'm restless and needy

I have become a shell of myself
And I am in the process of
Following my footsteps--
Tracing back to the days where
I considered myself free
And dark
And when all that was okay
Because all of this fake sunshine
Has my skin sunburnt and raw