Smoldering

Field of filth
Gurgling, gasping
life giving
Life Stealing
Enabling the choice to exist
To fumigate

But please
Look past me
she taught me all I know

Grotesque
An impassioned frown
Stitched with threads of action
I wear the robe of
Blistered goat skin

he wears the crown

Stones cast out over vast waters
Causing ripples I’ll never feel
Life arcs drawn beyond shores of mine
Real apart from Real

I’ll never feel the privileged pain
Pining for she who could love me so
I’ll never think to reminisce
On a life I’ll never know

Of everything that has graced
All my eyes have been brought to
Nothing in my small small world
Has ever approached the likes of you

Everything I could
Never think about

The only thing I do

Had the most horrific of seizures after the performance of a lifetime.

The drive isn’t that bad
Gas prices could be better
But I’ve never been one for excuses
Plus you couldn’t ask for better weather

Coffee sounds great
Although it’s secretly still something I can’t stand
Hot chocolate just tastes better
Plus energy is never lacking when you’re on hand

Because you are the person
I would want to see if this day was my last
If I were upon my death bed
My last breath being cast

Everything that was said
All the journeys we’ve led
All the blood that we’ve bled
The life-appetite we’ve fed
All this makes me want your hands on my head
As I lay upon that bed

Despite us leaving everything for dead
Letting our vibrant colors flow over in thick red

So.
Coffee.

“It feels like forever
Although some things do go without saying
Oh, yeah you can get your own drink
I guess I’m not used to you paying

I know its crazy
I should call more
I guess I’m just lazy

You look real good though
You seem like you’re doing well
You have your same glow”

And that’s as far as it gets
Outside my head at least
Because reality has this annoying habit
Of making things so difficult to be released
Especially all the moments I’ve collected
Held captive for you
I think they will make things better
Or at least act as some sort of glue
To hold together the pieces
I know still exist
Or at least I hope

But maybe you don’t
Maybe I just can’t resist

So all the bits of my plan
Dissolve into excuses
Just like the sugar in your drink
Diving under after stringing up nooses

But old habits die hard
Still effortlessly creating conversation
Our classic dueling talks
Balancing philosophy and humor upon relation
Like the things we want to do before we die
(They’re all still the same)
And sharing space with all my old jokes
(They’re all still pretty lame)

And then a moment
Or two
Where I feel myself pushing against
The backside of my eyeballs, wanting to break through

And I feel you push back
Towards me over this silent wave
And we simply exist
Is this cowardice or are we brave?

But now the coffee is out
Our lives call us back
We are done
Just like that

Walking out I see my vision
Marred only by your presence
The very thing I set out to revisit
Remains simply a formless essence

So I drive.
It’s a long drive

I embrace my own journey and place
Reflecting on your influence, weighing each case
And trace the space you’ve forced me to face

I can’t live every day like it’s my last
Because then I’d just be making trips to you
And can’t afford the gas

Inaction in action
A most frightening thing

Eyes flash from green to brown
Was that a smile or one of your cute frowns?
I can’t tell up from down
In this vacant hole

I feel like I am supposed to remember

Impact has dried up
Like a drought that makes farmers
Wonder if their crop ever did flourish
Or if the dust simply snuck into their heads
With paintbrushes and vivid imaginations
Of what fresh picked berries once tasted like

I want to run
Faster than ever to where I once was
To where my emotions began
To when a kiss was still intoxicating
And you smiled at clasped hands

Mirrors in my mind turn
Reflections of you blur
Engraved lessons I’ve learned

Were you ever my home?
I trace the walls of your character
Each knot and groove familiar
Reflexive fingertips
Gliding over walls as they turn inside out

I forgot what all this was about

Do I long for a light that once shown
Or just another culpable excuse
To regain the throne
My wishful thinking kingdom
Though my senses are honed
To both authenticity and mirage
I fear I am equally prone

Even so.

If…

If you were ever
Or still are
And we cross paths again
Or maybe for the first time

Kiss me with your brown eyes
Or were they green?
And I will try my best to recognize
A love I fear I’ve never seen

But I can’t muster pursuit when consciousness is stolen by a dream

Inaction in action
Is a most frightening thing

Double sided

Your presence always accompanied
By the most dreadful momentum

You are gaining speed
You are losing peace
You are giving the lead
To a power that won’t cease

It’s cloaked in impulse
A body of desire
Though intention rests in its holsters
Pride is all it fires

Swirling beauty slow down!
Running too fast for those
Who can recognize to see
And those who can’t to catch

You champion hope by burying action
With action of the wrong kind
This version of hope doesn’t
Liberate, but rather infects the mind

Hope was meant to inspire
Not fuel a pointless fire
You’ve made your conscience a liar
Dragging ideals through the mire

Shadow-kissed
A waste of this
Inverting experiences
You won’t want to reminisce

A romance not worth a single ounce
Of the blood you’ve already lost
Put to death that with which you lay
If only you knew the cost

Why can’t you see the bottom?

My feet are in pain
From holding my ground
But still I remain
Enduring the sound
Of the enemy’s gain
On my position now found

The offensive!
The mud and dust
Swirling about, pining
For my dedication to rust
Or me to find my cause unjust
Though I waver not
My feet planted a must

I cannot say
If it is my
Head or my
Heart that keeps
Them in place
Refusing to start
The process of retreat
My resolve won’t be beat

Though I am unsure
If I am avoiding or
Embracing defeat

I must soon make
Distinction between
Perseverance and deceit
As I know eventually
My Maker I will meet
Am I holding His line
Or withholding Him
His proper seat?

All I know for certain
As I endure the wind and sleet
Is the acute awareness of the
Other. The
Same. With
True love replete.

He loved the lovable
And the unlovely
What of the pious man’s
Calm sleep?
The twisted man’s
Desperate plea?
Though not yet fully forged
I know my identity
Has garnered
The Good Judge’s mercy

And though I can’t fathom
Why He bows before me complete
And I know not the glory or
Depravity of my life’s feat

I am stilled as a child
Before the patience of a creek

There are plenty of reasons
To wash these feet.