Twists and turns
Learning to check my speed along each curve
So much about myself I come to find is -
actually another thing.

The little neurons , moving about
so hyperactively
that it drives me into half a day of rest

or otherwise

What have I done those moments I have impacted them
whether by a blow from the fist or the nostrils

So much has changed
no longer do I indulge in the dangers of drugs
only the safe ones that help my physical pain

Slowly learning- but not before I'm ruined , to keep my hands off myself
As not to damage what sanity I have left .

Which fortunately, Is more than I could have based on the past decade
but unfortunately, some pieces of this puzzle of a young woman are missing-

That is okay, I guess the colors in between and I scribble underneath

I play a guessing game until my loved ones remind me of the truth
When they know it

Will I Always be searching for the corners to complete it?
I really don't care much for whole complete pictures anyways
Always folding photos to hide the faces of those who wronged me, crumbling unfinished pieces of art before wondering what I could add, only to replace it with another one .

Guess it doesn't matter- though when I dig through old memories, there are some things I find that surprise me.

How much we change year to year, throughout a lifetime as people? Is it more or less person to person based on our experience?

Born into the darkest maze,
lost within the ruler's gaze-

Delivered at the peak of downward spin
no choice to speak, no chance to win

Going under arrows , went over my head
cannot tell direction , pull me out of bed

And when I reached the cliff at the end ?
I wondered just where else my eyes had been

Looking at the light I know it seems so hard to summit
If I climb this outward spiral, tell me will I plummet?

Fly right upward past denial, do I have the stomach?

Light is now
i have found my way
away from California sun
and insults
now i lay
in the snow of new england
charmed by the chill

The prongs swept through my damp hair
As i plugged in the TV there was a light shock
and the blue flooded my room with a glare

I sank into the blankets
and into my head

I began to have a dream or so I perceived

Standing in front of a supermarket
In the hot sun
Waiting for my family to shop

I am watching the cars along the road, as my family's car speeds toward the interstate

Yellow lines moving beside me as i try and chase them
they never turned around

I wander down the sidewalk til i come to a small burgundy car
the windows are broken

I relax in the backseat for hours
until i pass out

I wake up and it is humid
the car is moving

Nobody is in the front seat

all of a sudden there is a steep drop and the car is pummeling down a hill into a forest of redwoods,
Crashed on the rocks

A man pulls me from the backseat

at first I feel a sense of comfort,

then his face shows, distorted, speaking ancient evil toungues

I try to grasp air and be free
next thing i remember I am awake.

Oh , to experience,
all I can remember ,
Oh, to hold the subconscious knowledge of all
that has passed through my life , I forget.

To wonder , or to just be oblivious,
to wander . or to search for home

Learning how to Learn again
how to accept all as a blessing in amends
smile upon any day
regarding how it went

I said I was going for a smoke
But little did she know
I wasn't coming back
Left the door unlocked
Ran away real fast
Now I'm in another state
Watching the time pass
Too fast
And too slow
Boredom and fear , slowly grow
But the love is growing faster
And stronger than ever
That's what matters
The point of the endeavor

We love
We fight and we talk
We hug and make changes
We keep growing

We love
To me it's always enough
For you and I sometimes it's tough
But love is that way

I live
For the light that your eyes when I wake
Tends to give
And I Wouldn't trade , couldn't sell it
Wouldn't leave
I can spell it
l o v e

When I see you .

I cannot see in front of me
i cannot see inside my head
i cannot think
i cannot find
the reasons
that i dread

We all felt love from the second we were brought into this concious life
Whether we were aware of it or not
Love will always exist in one
Even if that love is only for theselves

We all felt romance from the minute we grasped another's hand
And plunged into countless lusts and short lived feelings
Soon forgotten forever
Until we stopped searching
And found what we were so distant from

Now though I have discovered something far different
Than anything I have ever felt in this lifetime

Apon realization that any glimpse of romanceful love from my past
was utterly fakes and users and hatred and stress
fake smiles and statements of affection beautified
and that what I have now found is my defninition of true love

When you love someones toes, and the way they wiggle in their slumber,
the way they carry themselves, the positions they sit in,
the tones of their voice, all of their expressions,
their personality in all of it's aspects

Somebody could read this and call me obsessive,
really I have found my favorite piece of living art
in all of his human grace, beauty, naturalistic,
and when I find something I adore,
I intend to know every inch of that beauty,
every moment of that lifespan
because I wouldn't miss each of those
Precious, Special moments for the world

In the depths of love I venture
the water is warm and the colors are vivid
the energy is bright and sensitive to the touch
it is more amazing than anything amazing

Take a look at yourself
What have YOU created
Take a look at all you've done
Is it suprising that YOU made it?

All your choices, right and wrong
Don't trip on the past
YOU have learned
And you endured
YOUR future comes at last

beep beep buzz
i got just enough time to go fill my drink
while this tape rewinds
hear it click while i'm still at the sink
spacing out at the window
or so i think
it's the tape in the living room
little did i know it was the likes of you