it’s the skin disease that is my sickness
It’s the red dots
                  (hurtings, blemishes, scars)
                         and not my face I see
It’s the
                                 d e s p e r a t i o n
                                  on display
                                  of my insecurities, and
  so it worsens my insecurities
  
The hermeneutic circle;
                                             fact is fact
So, on my face
       desperation is visible
                     sadness in my mind;
         emptiness in body;
— but explosions on my face
  That is all I see
       It's all
            I
                     am.
I am a
                    sickness.

**august 2014

No similes
No metaphors
No allegories
No alliteration
No irony
No paradox
No rhythm, and no rhyme
No more stanzas
No more verses
Only
truth:
I miss you.

**2 8 . 0 7 . 1 4

Step by step;
And stroke by stroke on your painting;
Throw it away
Word by word on your typewriter;
For every broken glass,
and the sound it made in your ears
Glass, so fragile
Shattering into thousands of pieces
So small and
so insignificant
For every breath you hold;
For every time you pull on your sunglasses and hope they won’t see;
For every time a branch pinches your legs when running and the little pain is a reliever;
You want more
You always want more
Breathe out;
But it doesn’t matter to anyone
You don’t matter
The pieces of you are scattered
and no one could hardly care
You’re so close to that fine line
You can’t help it
But you are almost crossing the bridge
You’d much rather fall over
But here you still
sit
writing poems
as if everything
was alright

**17.07.14

You said you read Nietzsche in ninth grade
I said
"How far deep down are you now, then"
And laughed it off
I had no idea I hit the nail of
the both of us
right there.

**19.07.14

The darkness will make you strong
I promise you
It won’t do you wrong
Then why do you sleep with the lights on?

They’ll all be gone
Once the nights are long
Darkness won’t do you wrong
Curtains are drawn
You are not asleep

Wetting your bed and then
staying up to weep
So that is life
Who knew growing up would offer such a mountain steep?
Again, again, again

Sleep
Let go of the kitchen knife
When the sun has set
all eyes are black
Now you see the night as a potential threat
Wishing for the light to come back
But wait –
Dawn break is coming
Meet your fate

Don’t you hate –
the memories, humming to a different song
A song you once tried suppress
Now you’re staring down at your life
It’s all a mess
Even so
Less
and
less

The glow
I guess,
Is not a shoe fit for your toe

Panic

Light covers everything;
Unwashed drawn curtains;
Midnight dances on the carpet;
Broken bottles;
Again, again, again
The kitchen knife;
Your broken bedside lamp;
Blood drops;
Wet cheeks;
- Everything the night covered up is brought into the light
Your wight can’t live in this sight
Can you follow?

So bright
Shut your eyes
You won’t have to fight
Daylight is not meant for your lie

"He's been dead for 48 hours," the police statement reads.

**19.06.14

I was finding myself sleepless more often
And I was searching for something
A poem to write; words to scribble down; people to ****; joys to scatter…
Hopes to crush, maybe

Time to heal
Maybe not
Time to run away
Time to cope?
…

My heart crumbled into just the ***** pumping blood around my body;
like play, like something rehearsed;
completely like my life – structured and thought-over

I kept looking up at the ceiling and the light of my computer
All these ‘I’s and no ‘you’s
I was finding myself going mad, over you – the missing part
The music I played turned into cries for help
The lines I wrote were messy battlefields of abandonment and desperation
And I hated myself for it

All these news on my twitter timeline, and one new reply
All these people I live with and don’t know
These incomprehensible ****** expressions in the crowd; that piercing sound
All these faces I need to rehearse before leaving the bathroom
All these subjects and this language I can’t speak
Quick, back to the bathroom. I’m losing it

Don’t just think about yourself
Now, fall down to the floor like they do in the movies

Cry

It’s not as cool as in the movies – not as glamorous
Now, dry your tears, rise and breathe normally

For God’s sake then – just hold your breath
Let me count to a thousand
No, **** it
I don't want to do it

“Drink up and it’ll be better”
No, no
It get’s worse
The headaches and how I can’t walk straight – how is that better?

We’ll try again:
“He’s a *****.” “Yeah, I know.”
I still think he’s a good guy

But he’s not the problem
The problem is me;
and what he made me realise I am

Scream

I confess
Let me through, judge
Please
Yes, I swear to tell the truth and all of that now

It’s inside me
The monster is inside me
The sleepless nights; the endless poems and the tears hitting white unwritten papers
Judge, I have these convictions
“So you are a psychopath?”
No

(I hope I’m not)

I’m just a poor creature
I just think, and my thoughts are written down
I try, your honour
I try to stop them – try to fight them
But the words are law to me now

I do know they are not true
But I have been researching this field for my PhD thesis, you see
I have been finding no objections to my thesis
So I had to drop out and give up
It’s true
What the law has written

Your honour, I wish I could say it’s not true
But thus far, I have ended up alone
I have not been as good as I hoped

I feel no relation to people and my face has froze this way
I know I smile, and I know I laugh, and I know I talk
But I don’t understand

There is no one in the courtroom
But myself
There's just me - staring at myself
These are just mirrors
So I guess it’s true
The mirrors break

Scream

I’m walked out
In chains
To keep staring up at the ceiling
Keep staring at myself
Mirrors

Scream

I’m sorry I used up all my faith on coincidences
That time would heal wounds
Time is a punishment and time is all we have
Time and minds make us all go mad

In my eyes I am still my own hero
Still on a quest to find
safety, confidence and self-worth

Do it then
If you think that’s so impossible
Break a few other mirrors and see if anyone can hear them break

Scream

**5.06.14