i.


there are days
when my stars
align just for me.


my inner cosmos
telling me to write
about the pain.


my inner cosmos
telling me to expand
the universe within.


ii.


there are days
when my stars
collapse.


i am made of pure
darkness.


i am made of pure
anxiety—


terrified of not seeing
the sun again.


iii.


there are days
when my stars
rise—


like the infinite suns
that they are.


illuminating my being.

Every moment in time
is delicate
ready to shatter

Every moment in time
is soon lost
and seldom found

I live in a moth-built cocoon
moss in my ears
deluded into thinking
I will soon be the butterfly
I once was

But in this life
it will never be
unless the ocean
loses its argument
against the land

Unless the moon
says no more
to the sun

So in that spirit I hold out my hands
for the next blessing
receive it dutifully
and with a gratitude deeper than music

Here to chime
until my time
like bells in the wind.

Yeah, I want you
But I can't have you
So I want you more..

I find myself doing the things you used to do.
The way you'd bite your lip when you were thinking.
The way you'd put your hands together
During a scary movie.

I find myself mimicking the little things
That I loved about you.
And it breaks my heart to feel this;
That I can't get you out of my head.

Your actions, your smile, your voice:
They're imprinted in my brain.
You became a part of me
And I think that's what made it hurt so much
When you left and took that part of me
With you, away from me.

Everybody tells me
"Just get over it"
"Move on"
"It was just a stupid summer crush"

But you were everything to me
And I don't think I'll ever be able to feel that again.
I steeled my heart and closed off my mind.

I'll never let anyone in like that again.
Never.

But sometimes... I want to

It's 1:45 am

I am listening to the ocean inside your chest.

Your shoreline fills my ears with white noise and reminds me I'm not alone inisde the sleeplessness of my bedroom walls.

I've never heard lungs fill so effortlessly with waves of wet Georgia air.

Every exhale is an excited sigh. An introvert, greeting a common acquaintance.

Sometimes, you swim against the current, end up drowning in the abundance of oxygen, and the rip tides role in.

I stopped playing lifeguard
because your inhaler is always close by.

i watch you
fall at the feet
of those
who will never
know your name

im here
im real
i love you
and you
are distracted

Why is this happening to me?
My mental state is only decreasing and I'm slowly going insane.
I'm getting fat because i don't know my limits and constantly binge.
I'm pushing everyone away so i don't hurt them.
I'm only hurting myself in doing so.
I put words in everyone's mouths because they apparently don't tell me what i want to hear.
I'm not comfortable in the way  i present myself in any way, shape or form.
I do not know what happiness is anymore.
I'm constantly stressed and right now i'm completely stressed and i don't even know what about.
I'm coming to realise i will never be loved and i guess i will have to be okay with that because
I'm falling apart.