Sometimes
I find myself
rewriting poems
Changing all the words
except for
your name

and making me want to die was something you were always good at.
not in a bad way
because for someone who has been suicidal since age 11,
that means you made me feel something.
feeling something has been a problem of mine for a while now
i either feel it all or nothing
and my therapist tells me that's
"black and white thinking"
and i tell her
"no, it's realistic"
and she laughs and tells me i must be colourblind
but the world has so many different tones of grey
and i tell her i know
i just can't see them yet
and she sends me home with a worksheet to fill out
she says bring it back tomorrow for our next session
but the worksheet asks me questions i don't have the answer to
"what's your favourite shade of grey"
almost arbitrary
could be written off
but i feel the breath catching in my throat
because i don't think about grey anymore
grey reminds me of the colour in your eyes
a colour chart that ranges from silver lining
to solitaire
you've ran off again
and i have to be honest
i'm glad that when
you left
you left
me colourblind
because i can't see grey without thinking of you
and i can't see your note so it's another night of feeling nothing
feeling something
feeling it all

I lay here
Naked and exposed.
But only for a night,
By morning he must go.
Make me feel beautiful,
I don’t care about tomorrow,
Kiss me, **** me, hold me
To forget all my sorrows.

I see the tree
shading me
while I play
gleefully
indulging
innocent instincts.
I climb
forgetting
the lessons of
time, gravity,
and most importantly
the fact that I am not
as spry as I used to be.

he might tell you
draping over
your insecurities
his love is a gift
you don’t deserve
be grateful
.
he will own you
because owning
something
is better than
nothing
he’ll put pennies
in your pockets
to remind you
that you’re worthless
.
your arms only matter
when they’re wrapped
around his waist
at least they look
slimmer that way
.
you are his coatrack
where he’ll hang his
disappointment
don’t snap
when he gets
too heavy
don’t breath
when he needs
your air
don’t exist
when he wants
some space
.
live
in the confines
of when it is
convenient
.
don’t
unless he asks you to
.

He is going to peel me apart
gently
dissolve me
with his acid tongue
because he doesn’t know it hurts
.
He will cradle my head
in his hand
while he rips out my spine
so he can be my crutch
.
He is going to break me
and I am going to let him
.

It's hard to say goodbye when you were taken from me;
I swore I was done writing about you when I accepted
                         that you were gone from my life like a feather.
Somehow I still remember how long it's been.

I've moved on, but there's still a sorrow I feel when I remember you;
I guess that's what happens when there's a scar left behind
                              from the wound that I could not prepare for.
Somehow I still remember how long it's been.

I've moved on but I haven't healed completely;
If I healed then I would be able to see your picture
       or read the words you wrote out in a time that was happy.
Somehow I still remember how long it's been...

I walk down halls
seeing all the people
all the individuals who never once dare
notice me
I go home
and see many objects
and realize I feel like just another one of them

I did not ask for it but you came;
Just like a shining armor, out of the grey.
You gave me a warm smile,
that I just can't get used to as the days go by.
A smile, that I thought was just for mine.

The times with you, it wasn't long enough.
But enough, to end my night like a diamond, that brights.
All the memories you gave,
Did not shatter until this day.
I saw you.

I saw you with a new one.
You wore the same smile.
The smile you had when I was that one.
I thought there was something,
I thought I was special.