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Opi
Phoenix Rising May 2015
Opi
The pen drew dots in my eyes,
my grip lessened and there I was
Nothingness

No, not bad
No, not good
Nothing

Nothing was...
Nothing

I liked to spend most of my time being nothing
in the bath tub
While the days happened without me
and blurred over like watercolor
Phoenix Rising May 2015
When consumed, it consumes you
When it is tasted, it has tasted you
It enjoys the taste of you more
You're fooled
Into a host

I don't like the high,
it likes my life
Phoenix Rising May 2015
I want a pill, a pill
I'm wrapped in blankets
and I have a shivering chill

I should deal but it's hard
especially with a damaged heart
It's critical that I deal the cards...

I want to relive synthetic warmth
Synthetic waves of apathethic bliss
That takes away how much I want a kiss

From you
Phoenix Rising Oct 2016
It's as if you have pressed pause
and you're not really certain if you will ever unpause...
You're hazy and dazy, it's hard to make any decisions.
You're convinced you're actually doing something and then when you sober up you realize the day has passed, unused...literally nothing was done.

A waste.
Wasting away.

But it has given me a light...
Now when I'm sober I realize how beautiful life is and how dark opiates are.
Phoenix Rising Nov 2017
i'm out of ways
to show off my sadness...
so i will show it no more.
Phoenix Rising May 2020
I died
and sunk to the bottom
of my soul.
Darkness prevailed.
There was nothing
and it was bold.
I felt the tears
of my family
thousands of miles away.
And all I could do
was say that I'm okay.
Death should of been
enough for me to stop,
but honestly speaking---
It's really not.
Phoenix Rising Feb 2015
love and an ego
a deadly combination

because it's almost like a voice in your head

and you want to grab the gun

or the bottle of Xanax your mother carelessly leaves behind the bathroom mirror

....and listen to that voice
that doesn't mix with love
like ***** doesn't mix with love
like ***** doesn't mix with pills
Phoenix Rising Jan 2015
I experience crippling anxiety
The people who feel high
Think it's easy to be high
Because they are high
And say to the low
To be high
But once I'm entangled
By the breathless thoughts
I am unable
To function

Depersonalization
Is crippling
And temporarily devolves me
Phoenix Rising Oct 2017
Paranoia.
      Paranoia.



Paranoia.
            Paranoia.

Haunts me.


Anorexia perpetuating bad sleep cycle,
sleep cycle perpetuating depression,
depression perpetuating anorexia,
anorexia perpetuating depression.

...paranoia.
Paranoia.

You see all that I do.
Who are you?
Who are you talking to?

I'm losing my mind.
Paranoid.
Obsessive thoughts.
Make them stop.
Phoenix Rising Dec 2018
I disguised
my fear of commitment
as a hunger for
adventure.
I'm aimlessly floating
as if it's
the bigger picture.

I want to love,
to be loved
like anyone does.
But I'm tainted
with the mind
of a messed up
version of love;
Expiration dates on a heart.

I made myself
believe lives are
destinations
meant to be left
for something
new to obtain.
Like a girl scout badge,
to show off to all of my friends.


I wonder where the
void in my heart exists.
Is it possible it's
from a place I already visited?
I wish I knew
where I belonged.
Phoenix Rising Dec 2014
as vast as a landscape
love as giving as a music festival
as open as promiscuity
clingy like offspring

as innocent as your eyes
stuck as if glue
as bright as the colors you wear
complex like layers

as free as a buddhist
careless little girl
as courageous as an imbecile
patchwork on my heart
Phoenix Rising Jan 2015
Never say no to pizza
It's like saying no to happiness
Phoenix Rising Oct 2014
Lying here, smells like comfort and *******
Your body makes the tics tock faster, timely and my heartbeat
One kiss, I forget you
Two kiss, I forget us
Three kiss, gone
Phoenix Rising Feb 2015
what is the point of having no point?
and is there no point to a point?
because even if there is a point it still has no point, in the end.
Phoenix Rising Aug 2017
The hours
of smoked cigarettes
is equivalent
to the time
it will take
for you to
**** me.
Phoenix Rising Jan 2015
what do you do
once you stop
getting high off
people's presence

and you feel
life's densities
set in

and you catch yourself
molding to routine
and foods don't
taste as sweet
music is no more
than good

you start to lose
the twinkle
in your eye
you had
your whole
life
Phoenix Rising Oct 2017
If I could be
as busy as
my depression...
I'd be a
better
person.
Tired of this
emotional
rollercoaster.
I'm better
off
dead.

I'm fine.
I'm not fine.
I'm fine!!
I'm not fine..
I'm fine.....
Phoenix Rising Jan 2015
twitching thighs
a skin deep kiss
your love goes to your curled toes
and you grip with your nails
onto velvet skin thats paper-thin
as if it's all you have left to live
for a minute
you don't miss
a high worth the 15 minutes
you wipe your lips
adjust your hips
get up and zip
inhale carbon monoxide
reminds you of the moment
in your garage
fade out
into the shadow
the door left
Phoenix Rising Aug 2017
it had to be today
at this specific time
in this specific [drunken]
state-of-mind.

it couldn't have worked
a minute less...
without the steps i took
to all the destinations before...

it had to be today
at this specific time
in this specific
state-of-mind.

you had to do
all the things you did
to bump into me
and say,
"Hi."
Phoenix Rising Feb 2015
a week
armpit hair
coughing
thinking
involuntarily stressing
movie binge
social network vacation
breathing
Phoenix Rising Dec 2014
Much woe
for the foes
I encounter,
I know
it is not I
who causes deep tragedy
that feeds the hatred  
coursing through their veins
poverty of heart
The withering shoes
on their dusty feet
They tell me a tale
of repetitive misfortune
Succumbed to the nature
of hurtful thoughts
Will they ever want to stop
and walk a new direction?
Phoenix Rising Jan 2017
lost someone to ******. first time but im sure it wont be the last...
havent spoken in 6 years but it still hurts a lot..to see these people grow up innocent and turn to a place so lonely and sad and dark..
WELL....ANOTHER ONE GONE AFTER THIS POST.

RIP CURTIS KASHMIER
Phoenix Rising Aug 2017
when i was a little girl
my mother told me there were
monsters,
under the bed.

no, mother,
can't you see?
they are in my head.
Phoenix Rising Feb 2017
Fly high!
That's what they'll say,
after you wreck your car
and spill your brains.

They won't know--
or maybe they will.
****** tomb,
disguised as "wonderful daughter,
great friend."

Everyone has earplugs,
blindfolds too.
The epidemic is supplying
some for you.

Russian roulette
has some competition.
This ain't some new
invention...

Nobody cares--
it's not them.
Nobody cares--
unless it's them.
But it's too late by then.
S
Phoenix Rising Oct 2019
S
hold me close
and let me hear the thumps
of your aching heart.
two sad people
so in love.
we will get through this
together, hand in hand.
our diseases won't
take us down,
we will wear the crown.
you like to be up,
i love to be down.
we are yin and yang,
swimming around
in a puddle
of mud.
life is ****** up
and our rights are a facade,
but it is worth it
as long as i have you.
Phoenix Rising Jan 2021
you're afraid
of
being




alone,





because you're terrified of your own head.


that's
so
weak.
Phoenix Rising Oct 2017
I wish I was a good person.
I wish I was nicer to you.
I wish I was skinnier.
I wish I didn't think about only myself.
Phoenix Rising Feb 2023
I have truly come so far
in my life.
I look back and recognize
the wisdom I have obtained from past mistakes.
I can appreciate and truly enjoy how much learned behavior
I have undone.
I have a long way to go, though.
I honestly didn't even realize it
until I fell in love and got sober.
It's hard to not want to rush my growth
when I see my toxic traits affecting the people I truly love.
I want to change overnight, but
I know it's not like that...
But I feel so ******
when I overuse "I'm Sorry."
Please, hold on.
I'm getting better.
I hope you see it, but this is me telling you
I can feel and see it internally.
I'm ready for therapy...
I think it will make me progress faster.
I'm ready to make an appointment
and go.
Just like I did for my addiction.
That's the next step.
I have removed the crutch...
Now it's time to heal the wound.
If the hospital bed is my drug addiction...
Then therapy is my cure.
Phoenix Rising Aug 2022
All you need
To become viral
Is the ability
To know when to
Document via camera
Phoenix Rising Jun 2018
when I was at my worse,
depression would manifest
in many forms.
whispering in my ear
like the truth.
it would stand in front
of people i loved
and i would think the people
were the problem,
but it was depression
stealing identities.
she
Phoenix Rising Aug 2018
she
she has pieces of her body
she hasn't even met;
23 years old
and in such a hurry
for misplaced regret...
set up from a man
who believes he knows her,
but he's taking truth from a liar.

the harder she dreams,
the deeper she sinks.
she ignores her reality
and relinquishes into defeat.
she only wishes to think
in a steady stream.
there's a silhouette
of who she could be
that she drowns in unearthly things.
Phoenix Rising Mar 2020
Pheromones
got you like
OoooOoooO.
Natural selection;
You mistake for fate.
You think it's love,
but it ain't.
Can you feel my scales
against your neck?
Can you get a grip
before you're dead?
I wish saving you
could save me.
If I could be better,
I would be.
Phoenix Rising Jan 2018
I'm sick of being just a number.
I'm sick of being human.
I'm ready for a bullet
to caress the back of my head.
Phoenix Rising Dec 2014
I was sitting patiently at the hair salon when a thought struck me.  I observed people around me. I observed the husband and his wife connect, laughing humbly at each other's jokes that weren't very well constructed.  I observed people walking left and right past the salon through the big glass windows.  The pedestrians would glance back every now and then, as they paced ever so quickly to their destination.  The thought that struck me was how disconnected I was while being connected, simultaneously.  The people didn't know me and I didn't know the people, on a deep level.  I enjoyed how close the relationships they all separately had, though.  In a way, the relationships I observed that were very disconnected from me made me feel...connected.  It's an odd feeling to explain, but I felt warm.
It's fun to wonder what people are up to.
Phoenix Rising Mar 2018
I have
been sober
for about
8 months.
Go me.
Phoenix Rising Aug 2017
I've been living in a day dream...
Except exchange day for 'night' and dream for 'mare'.
I almost pulled out every ******* hair...these last 3 years.
The war is over.
THE WAR IS OVER.
The war on drugs...
I am clean.
I am free.
I am me.
Finally.
Phoenix Rising Nov 2014
All my life
felt like breathing through a straw
You came along
and tried to remove it
I thought you were harming me
I panicked
Held my breath for a minute
and when I opened my eyes
the straw was gone
I could breathe better
Phoenix Rising May 2018
So...my depression and anxiety got so bad I was having really bad suicidal thoughts. I started hurting everyone I loved around me...I have finally seeked professional help...and that took a lot of strength to do because my childhood consisted of taking medications that never fitted my illness and made things worse. It's only been 3 days on Zoloft...but I think I actually feel a difference. I am also taking vitamin B12. I'm going to set myself up with counseling soon as well. I will update my progress within a week or 2. Love you all. ~~
Will write more soon.
Phoenix Rising Dec 2014
She was the home-cooked apple pie I never grew up eating
The drug I never got to favorite
She was the tears I cried confusingly
The oxygen I felt I lacked

She was the poltergeist I saw down my hallway
The illness that manifested into my mental state
She was someone I haven't met but loved, like my father
The magnetic pull I could never reach
Phoenix Rising Aug 2017
You're the bad seed
I stem from.
Tell me I need a professional,
one more time,
when you're the one
who left the dirt and grime.

Here I am...
Cleaning up your mess,
the mess in my head and chest.
I don't need your meds
nor your opinions.
Save your breath.
Phoenix Rising Jul 2018
when the ice melted,
the coldness from her soul left.
the ground was fertile
and there was a new beginning.
she could see the life inside her
sprouting and that's when she realized...
she was always there
underneath it all.
just waiting to bloom.
I'm ready to end my battle with depression.  I know it may not be over but I'm ready to accept my life for what it is and seek for a more positive future.
Phoenix Rising May 2018
when the ice melted,
the coldness from her soul left.
the ground was fertile
and there was a new beginning.
she could see the life inside her
sprouting and that's when she realized...
she was always there
underneath it all.
just waiting to bloom.
I'm ready to end my battle with depression.  I know it may not be over but I'm ready to accept my life for what it is and seek for a more positive future.
Phoenix Rising Feb 2015
I want a game plan
on how to be a star
because star dust
just isn't
enough...

George Harrison said,
"Give me light, give me life,
keep me free from birth."
and I think he was heard
Phoenix Rising Oct 2017
What is caring,
and why is it there?
I feel so guilty about all the times I opened my mouth.
I'll make it all about me,
believing it's all about you,
while making it all about
you making me have a reason to make it all about me.
Sometimes. I. Wish. I. Could. Just.
Shut. Up.
Shut up, Chloe.
Shut the **** up.
Phoenix Rising Mar 2020
I'm hooked
like a ******
to a hundred million
fantasies
and none of them
include you.
Everytime we get close,
an inch apart we gain.
I'm sick
and there is no cure,
no God
to save my hurt.
My grave is built,
the soil is soft and comfy
to lay rest my guilt.
It is what it will be
and that's whatever
defines me.
Phoenix Rising Apr 2015
I often catch myself
involuntarily whispering a phrase;
"I wish I were home"
while at my house.

I dream of a character
that I know exists but I'll never find
because I'm too comfortable with
being alone all of the time.

Light pets my cornea every morning, through the sunshine printed tapestry...
I prefer the synthetic things in life,


the irony.
Phoenix Rising Dec 2020
life is beautiful...
like a dark movie
through a child's perspective.
the only gift we have
is the ability
to be subjective.
i don't want to be perfect.
perfection is boring.
let's share scars
until the early morning.
Phoenix Rising Aug 2019
If you love me -
I'll stop you there.
I only like you
when you're bare.

If you think
you're anything exclusive,
please get the **** out
before I go translucent.

It'll be easier if you
leave first.
Take my advice,
before it gets worse.

I'm poison,
I crave your blood flow.
I'll seep in deep
and make your heart blow.

I can show your flesh love,
but you're dreaming
if you think I'm capable
of anything above.
Phoenix Rising Apr 2017
I'm picking out my teeth,
one by one.
Cavities from all that sweet,
sweet contin candy.
I need a special hell,
to make my medicine work.
Late nights mixed with
Brandy.
Phoenix Rising Nov 2015
A void deeply
rattling
my inner workings,

I fill it with superficial love.

For a while,
I forget
I'm depressed.

It becomes a habit;
people.
But then I hurt them
and it hurts myself
and I always...

Remember.

And I always wonder, "am I



...



Fixable?"
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