I heard laughter in the crowded room but my dear I did not hear you
And so I felt my heartbeat rise just slightly under my breathe then collapse throughout my chest and I felt a sting in my veins when he first said your name and another when his fingertips met the rich silk of your hair
And I thought you wanted to be taken away but it’s not in my place to care

And I’m not happy either
But atleast I don’t pretend
Why cant they see you clearer
I need your heart to mend
I know I’m incapable of using my heart the way I should.. I know I’ll never be any good but I can’t help thinking of how we haven’t talked in a while and if you thought my heart was little
It’s breaking into bits… since I never
See
You
Smile.

Liquid Impulses seep through my bones
and become an unavoidable poison
with the power to shatter my glass organs right through my bleeding skin
I am getting you *****, but you handle secrets well

anything to make you feel more special than standing at the airport making small talk with every pair of lungs so it doesn't look like you're facing all this mass alone

I asked you politely to stop forcing continents and veiny constellations on me
but nightly pleasure is your forte

and I'm not going to pretend I want you to stay

you have handguns that you pray you'll never use, during your long visits to ceremony

you call yourself lonely, but can barley say it because like always you're loosing your voice

You're the kid that asks how the cotton candy skies got that color
except now it's all blood red

"I guess God killed all the angels" he said

and I think:
baby my wrists are rags, ripped up rags,
and needles give you bad memories,
and my minds a black, empty, hole but it's still so ******* heavy
just a weight that no matter how much you want to say you can, you just cannot carry

and you need to stay alive
because there's no spots for angels anymore when they die
but I just can't bring myself to say it

and he knows people only remember things about me
like the fact that I like whiskey, and my suicidal tendencies

a lining of  lightbulbs
infused on the wire in my brain

he says Jesus was like any other psychopath ,
just a normal schizophrenic
and if there's a God
we pray for him to fix the problem he's created

what if heavens just like hell in the form of a maze
golden maps leading you to places you aren't any happier

acid trips into abandon attics,
blonde babes with ******* hair
and yellow teeth
cracked out, veins

complaining that the life they hated ever changed

he says I ruined the calm after the storm that no one lives to see
the ending of the bible
that no one has enough attention in them to read

And then we had awkward first time *** on the floor next to your bed
and I promised I wouldn't stop loving you no matter how far you get

And I'm as bad as breaking promises as you're as good as breaking hearts
so I guess that makes one of us ******

I keep crying over all the stupid things we let ruin us
and how ******* stupid we were to think distance wouldn't **** us up

everything you do ***** me up

you hate to see me cry but can't help but love to be the reason
and I'm always happy for you but I hate to see you leaving

Come back, coffee eyes

I need to tell you the story about the blue bowed baby
I boiled up in blood
and never got a chance to see smile
because I wouldn't let her into the world long enough to flash in my memory
I couldn't handle giving her an identity

Come back, coffee eyes
and hear why I hate ***
why I walk around undressed
so no one really wants me

pretty boys with gentle tongues trick you with their nervous sweats
they say they'll hold your hand
but they're gone before you're done lifting up your hair
wondering how life got this way

She watches **** at 3am, and has both ******* pierced
her nails are like white roses
and her palms like the thorn of every flower dead or alive

I feel like if I *** in her mouth she'll keep me inside her forever

I have to google "how to get hard" with every girl that's not her

she's a dead head, barley leaves her bed
keeps a rusted flask under her pillow
and a knife to rip her beat up wrist
there's nothing glorifying about her image

It isn't beautiful the way she pukes on the floor and can never find bandaids
and on sunny days she'll get this feeling in her stomach
that makes her run to the nearest drug store frantically pushing everything out of the counters, looking for scar cream

when she goes long enough without sleep she'll text everyone she knows an apology for something she did three years ago

and I will always love her, but I cannot marry pills and blood

and all the people know her as a crazy, crying *****
she was born with a different heart beat
as she was counting days left, the other little girls were counting sheep

They say home is where the heart is
but I never knew my home had the capability of flicking me off a cliff, watching me tumble, but still keeping every safe inside closed tight

and I never knew it hurt more to get locked out in mid spring, during a park picnic, and airplanes above you;
but nothing inside you

and my house is a brothel in war zone
but my heart developed a case of agoraphobia after fully soaking into you

The first time I felt my heart flop on a filthy floor was when I hit 6 months without seeing your face
but still heard your voice overtime I turned a corner
and it was the tone that gave me new feelings, not the tone that scared me

there's more days to come without you, and I could try but I probably won't succeed
you make me weak at the knees

You used to hate your hands but let me hold them because my eyes were brown like mud, and you like your girls *****

I laid in bed paralyzed the night you left
I thought the tides pouring out of me would be powerful enough to bring you back

but all they brought me was gagging and a $12 dollar flask
***** burns too bad

I swear you gotta cute voice
I wish I had it recorded
one day my head will stop making it's own noises

You came up my throat like the last overdosed pill
I can’t even remember how you got here against my will
So I tried to paint you in colors that weren’t real
Now I need back the parts I let you steal.

I compare your eyes to the red autumn sky
There’s a whole world inside your pupil, a whole world high
You said you weren’t special
But you slowed train tracks with your hands, and then brought them back again

I told everyone regrets get left behind in the hills of summer
But kissing someone new isn’t making the seasons go by
You were my favorite way of passing time

I can’t pretend anymore
I want to love again
Please hold my hand
I’ve been around a time or two
And no one gets me to feel like you

You said my body was a temple, and I was your angel
And I prayed everynight
Forgetting to find signs when you told me you were an atheist

I said I’d never be like you
But now I’m non stop saying things I don’t mean

And whenever I think I’m playing with his feelings
I remember he knows my breast better than my brains

And when I look back at our conversations, they’re all the ******* same

He pulls me down onto his lap and I try to feel your hands on my back

I said I’d never be like you
But when I’m supposed to be loving him, my bones are aching for two

"You can't write about anyone else" he says, and he is right.

Anyone who calls it a curse to bruise easily has not felt the way their blood vessels smile and squeal when they jump
like when the keys of a piano can't hold itself up
even though you have the gentlest of fingertips and they make melodies out of the comfort of your pain,
but can't get themselves to speak when you're on to the next one


I won't be in high school forever
one day you will see all parts of me
and it will feel as misplaced as the skin between my teeth
coming out to blanket the pearls beneath my braces

and it will be so hard to wash myself off smelling like your skin the mornings that I want my mother to be the only human in the world that loves me
I have watched things from mosh pits in sketchy clubs
to lesbian body shots at house parties
and can say with my honest eyes that the inside of frames
is the only thing that makes memories in my mind
or a collection of words, but not the kind you say

I thought of you as a horizon sunset
Always made me feel like no one else saw you the way I did

Your lips were a watercolor painting
Done by a professional before he had the money to use all the right brushes,
I felt the bad timing and uneven colors when you kissed me
I called it abstract,
She called it sloppy.

You weren’t ready, you said I was the galaxy
But you didn’t understand that meant all my passion was only good for making wishes- we’re all deprived of patience
and that’s why I’m so easy to give up on

You’re not the vital sun
And I’m not the forgotten moon
No matter how hard I try, I’m not a reflection of you

I don’t know how to sew
Blood makes me sick
Tears make me nervous
And I’ve broke more than fixed.

I smile when I think of you
how could I let that go?
you echo eternally, in disassembled bodies
and alien oxygen suits
and the ears of deaf women who will never even meet you

and when you laugh the world stops to listen
just like when you collapse and every one of earth’s hearts cave in

I started telling stories about you before I even knew you were real


so  when you tell me you love me, why does it still feel like a secret?
like love is just man made matter gone before you can feel it.

I hate how old people look when they drink water
I hate when a girl with Irish skin makes my chest hurt because she’s not mine
And I hate not knowing how I feel

I hate how pretentious all my ******* writing is

So here’s something honest
About loving your lips
And the way your head fits on my chest
And loving to kiss your wrists
But still not loving you

I ******* hate how much I love the Smiths
And how I can’t tell the difference between drugs and mental illness
And how scattered my brain is
But she’s still so stuck in all the pieces

I hate the back of your car
And the way it makes me vulnerable

And I hate when my mom cries because she’s watching something she created die
And she can’t help save him

And I hate when babies are boiled in blood
But I’d hate not giving woman a choice with their body

And I hate God for not being real but making more rules than politicians who just manipulate money and religion

And I hate to complain, but I do it anyway

I hated him for making me realize I was so small to the world
But I loved him for making me feel big in his
It is so easy to love someone who makes you feel like a child.

His Eyes Are Ubiqutious
but I can’t find his tongue
and his hands are callous

You move like an infant on a cobblestone road
and you don’t look the part
but everything you say goes

I’m sitting in a room and it’s hot and I’m sweating, and I’m wondering why I didn’t notice these things when I was with you, as if you were an outlet I flowed my pain into.
Your words blocked out setting

I have to face my problems, because all this lying in bed with you in my head gets tiring
But if I thought it would make you come back, I would never leave.

Your neck was a canal,
Where every thought you had fell from your brain and flowed onto my chest,
circling my heart endlessly.
So now all that pumps through my body is you, not even the blood in my veins belongs to me.

In the beginning you told me you were lonely, the more comfortable I get with that feeling the more I realize your mouth was built of bandages, but your hands only knew destruction and I was too scared to kiss you

We both had fire for brains the only difference is you didn’t know you were brilliant.
I saw the glow, there was something burning in your head and even now knowing that fire wounds last so long
I would do anything to explore your mind again.

Is it too late to fix things?
Do you still think about me?
When you’re bored up in class?
Or has she turned your bones to ice?
Froze every river, passed her strength on to you
Made you live for the shiver


I think anyone could love you better