Why do I keep going back and forth?
Waves that come and go to your shore.

Sometimes crashing and reaching further than before,
Sometimes barely kissing the edge of the sand.

Is it the push and pull of the mysterious moon?
Influencing me to rescind and other times
Throwing me forward?

Is it because I am scared to be tamed?
An ocean so deep it can't even comprehend all that it contains..

Maybe land makes me feel safe,
even if it is so foreign to an element like me.

All I want is to feel the soak,
When I am deep in between the pores of your being,
Deep underground and beneath the surface of you.

Requiring complete surrender
but it is so hard to learn
for the thrashing sea that is me...

Eventually the self work becomes
Another abandoned dream
Because if you go deep enough within
You'll find your wall.

The wall is the limit.

You don't know how to push past this one, or even if you do,
You know you're a coward.
Or a victim.
Or a failure.
Or a loser.
Or whatever it is, you know that
You can't do it.
You've convinced yourself.
You stay miserable to stay comfortable.

The impossible wall, which really,
Isn't that impossible at all.

You just are stuck
In a looping perspective of fear.

Haven't mustered the courage to
Make the jump
Just yet.

Depression for me happens slowly,
And for some reason,
Has never quite felt like drowning.

More like a rut that turns into a hole that I've slowly dug myself into.

And then I hit rock bottom and look up to see where I am..
And in those moments, I become utterly shocked at what I've done. Then it gets worse when I tell myself "there's no way out."

"Oh how tall the grave."

It feels like an overwhelmingly empty pit that I'm stuck in.

So far down, so far away..

But I can see the sky, turning from night to day, night to day.

"I'm wasting time." I say.

I also see the light though,
The light at the end of my upwards tunnel and somehow I always get out because it leads the way.

Yet I dig another.
And another..

It is exhausting.
To be so unwillingly, accidentally, repetitive.

I wonder if there will ever be a day when I'm further than 10ft under but will get so tired that I can't fight it anymore and maybe someone will look in to see a skeleton, and bury me
Once and for all.

I've been playing tug-o-war
For so long.
Going back and forth.
Between pros and cons.
Between loves and fears.

And it's finally exhausted me.
It's brought me down to my hands and knees.
Burnt palms and aching feet.

I drop the rope of trying.
I drop the rope of pleasing.

I stop the yelling,
I stop the pleading.

I can see no amount of words
No actions or revenge,
No love and patience,
Could ever bring me anywhere
Except back to The End.

I don't think I have it in me
To let go of all I resent.

It poisoned me long ago
And I waited to find content.

I worked for it day and night
And saw nothing in return.
No change permanent enough to ever make it work.
Now I'm drained completely
But I didn't go out without a fight.

I hope doing everything exactly
The way you wanted
Without even trying to change
Was worth it all.

Worth it all.

I've grown up with wide eyes and a wider smile.
Messy short hair and dirt on the end of my nose.
I loved people and the world I lived in was magic.
Cruelty didn't exist.

As loving as I was
I always kept my mouth shut.
Cause everyone always had gaping mouths and bug eyes
When I'd simply speak my mind.

I've learned to sift through my thoughts and emotions just like flour.
They have always been the worth of dust anyway.
Taken for nothin.
Still I just kept it all to myself.
Sometimes I'd mess up and it'd slip out
and if I got those dropped jaws
I'd stick my nose in the air and pretend
I didn't care.

Writing was my only way out and my journal knew me better than my lifelong friends.
I knew everyone around me, I could practically read minds.
Still my mouth only opened now and then
but mostly just a strong, closed dam.

Now that I'm out on my own
Without people always hovering like vultures, picking at every little thing
that flies out of my mouth,
It's hard not to just let it all fall out.

I've kept a mask and a crusty outside and anything else you could possibly think of
To make sure I never crushed someones delicate eggshells.
My tongue tip toed around words.
To others it always looked like I was putting myself out there
And never worrying
About the wondering stares.

But now I'm just sick of it.
If I'm mad I wanna yell it.
If I'm sad I wanna cry and burst at the seams I kept so well knit.
If I think you're a pretty stranger I wanna say so
I want to be the person I've hidden from the world
Cause I just was never welcomed.

This world is so used to pretending to be delicate flowers but when it comes to others
They stomp and rip people apart.
Plucking every last petal.

I am so tired of pretending you're all delicate.
Like you can't handle it
Cause it was never fair that I didn't get to be who I've always been because you could shout the loudest.
And I'm not mean, but if I have an opinion, and you don't agree
Then stop telling me I'm too young to understand.
Stop telling me I'm crazy or off the bend.

I'm not ignorant, I actually get it.
And ya maybe sometimes its ******* offensive, so what?
I'm learning who I am and sometimes that might come off wrong
But I'm stumbling along
With little to no help from you all.

Everyone has a rule book for how everyone should act.
This is how it's done
This is how its gotta be.
Well to me, you're all just annoying.

I'm just sick of being pushed and shoved and buried.
Somewhere I can't be seen anymore
SO therefore
I can't be heard either.

Well I'm just going to push through the crowd.
I'm gonna make sure that I break free from this "norm"
Whoever deemed it to be just that.

Stop telling me,
For Christ's sake,
Stop telling me how to be myself.

If we were to take everything away,
All of the human ******* responsibilities,
It would be so easy to fall into you.

I love your souls essence
But this world would rather
Tear us apart than ever see us happily together.
It would rather force struggle than ease.
I have a hard time not drowning underneath it all, and losing sight of you.

Just know that even though I hate the human experiences and become someone I'm not,
I love you, the you you are when we're done here and have nothing else to worry about other than pure love.

Today isn't much different than yesterday but it feels like there's never goin to be good news in sight.

Today feels like all responsibilities and the future days are weighing down on me.

Today feels like I won't have food tomorrow.

Today feels like I won't have a safe place to live next year.

Today feels like I'll never find the happy solution to it all.

Today *****.
Today I hit a wall.
Today I fall.

I always was scared of the way your eyes would start to light up
When you were excited.
The way I could see the gears crank and turn in your head with a million questions because you face never hid your inner world well.

You had eyes that looked up at the stars in the night sky
And somehow thought you would learn about them each individually.
A mind too wide, a heart too loving, a soul too curious.

I always was taught that curiosity killed the cat.
That is wasn't good, that it was rather bad.
I wanted to keep you safe but nothing could ever stomp your fire.
I stayed close, to make sure to protect, if dire.

Instead I watched you bravely fumble and fall,
Learning how to get better everyday.
Learning how to follow your dreams, your whims, and fickle wishes of the day.

I feel like something sparked in me from watching you.
Maybe one of your embers were sent flying
From your crackling and roaring spirit
and lit my heart aflame.

Now I feel like I can follow you,
Follow you straight into the light,
Into the sun.

Cynicism that seeps into the heart
And baby, my heart is drenched in black hatred.

Sulfur breath and poison kisses.
I'm your raging demon.

Don't try to get me to settle down
and make me your Mrs.

I'll never be of Love and Light
when I hate my ******* life.

I am never satisfied.

Yet you try to please.

I am uncontrollable pure white fire rage.

Existential dread has taken it's toll
and I have lost the last of my control.

I want War to wage.

Rot to ensue.

The world to burn down right along with me and you.

And I might obsess with total impending doom,
Cause it's better than being stuck in this ******* room.

I can no longer take being alive on this godforsaken planet.
Why make something, just to abandon it?

Don't try to soothe, don't try to caress.

I will ***** out the light within
And possess.

So if you want to keep your sovereignty
Then you better stay the **** away from me.

I don't understand why I keep filling the void with the things that are supposed to make me happy but I'm just not.

How? Why?

I have every reason to be grateful.
I have everything I could probably ever need now but there's a void and I can't figure out what I'm so **** ******* sad about. So empty for.

I dive deep into my being, into my heart and mind and I can't find it.

The hunger that resides in me.

Is it human?

Is that why we are basically parasites on this planet?

Constantly taking but never giving.

Where the actual **** do I belong?

Where is my home?

Where do I go?

What should I do?

No one is here to tell me now.
No one is here to tell me how.
No one is ******* here.

Sometimes there is planks and trinkets
Of her that wash up on the shores of my mind.

A collection from the deep sea.

From an abandoned shipwreck
I rowed away from long ago
To be spared the sight of her ghost.