Being forced into my mind
And into my body
And into my heart
Is an excruciating prison for someone
Who grew up living
As an escape artist.

I used everything I had control over
At the time and the only thing
I had was my mind.

So every morning until the night
I'd let my mind and soul
Take flight
To cope with the monsters
I had to fight.

Dreaming in my wake
And in my sleep
Hoping that, by morning,
I wake
Somewhere safe.

You ruined my life.
My every waking day
Shattered by yelling
And the constant verbal abuse.

Nothing satisfied you.

Now nothing satisfies me.

I've run in every direction.
My daydreams tried to take me
But you wouldn't set me free,
You couldn't just be kind
And happy.

So I turned to alcohol until
It burned my insides that I realized
That it isn't fun anymore.
It's just poison and I'm useless,
Mindless on the floor.

So I chose to smoke some ****
Hoping it'd get rid of the
****** memories.
And it did..
For a while.
And now it's not the same
Because all it brings is numbness
No longer a smile and heightens the pain.

Now I'm stuck here.
Aware.
In my body and in my mind
And weirdly enough
The real world feels more fake
Than my dreams ever did.

Forever ******* miserable
Because I have a damaged inner kid.

I read that if you want something with all your heart then the universe conspires to make it happen...

But what if I want for nothing
Other than to know
God?

Will the universe conspire to bring about my untimely end?

How will the stars and planets align?
To light my path,
To lead me back to You?

Way finding through the constellations.

What if the only thing I desire
Is to know my purpose?

What if the only thing I want
Is to go Home?

Will you help me then... Universe?

I can feel her peeking,
Shyly one eye around the corner.

I can see her sneaking,
Flying under curtains.

Giggling at the thought
Of finally being out in the open.

Playfully teasing,
One foot in and
One foot out.

She gets closer and closer,
Preparing to just dip her toe in.

I coax and cheer her on,
I'm ready for the show to begin.

She's almost ready
To come out after
Being long, long hidden
From within.

I wake every morning
With a heavy body
And a burning heart.

I tire
By the end of every night
And I just want to hang
This burning desire
Up on the rack,
Like a soaked coat,
Dampened by utter confusion
And the turmoil that brings.

Even though
I pour salt water tears
On the coals
And watch the steam carry toward the sky;

It means nothing by sunrise.

With light of the sun
It sparks again,
The burn to understand.

The yearn I have to know
All that I Am
And the one who created it.

"Withering rose,

Oh why do you lose your petals?"

"My petals, are tears that weep for him.
Like layers of myself that peel and die
In the wait
Of aching time.

I dry up for I am not watered.
I sink and rot
In my absence of his memory.
He has forgotten me."

How do I write about a restless heart's
Simple plight?

So, so simple.

I only ask that you join me
In connection to the Light.

Oh how badly I wish
I wasn't alone in this.

Tornadoes swarm me and my feet touch the ground
But my head just spins.

Energies
Swarming me, beating me,
Bombing me, throwing me up and
Down and sideways
And I just want to stop.

Please, oh God,
Be still.

The stirrings within that you create
Might make me lose my will.

The lies abound.

The hatred is so heavy.

The agony is unbearable.

The weight of crushing loss and pain.

Mouths and hearts
Silenced for too long.

Beauty lost in corruption.

Hot tears stream down the faces
Of the slaves of the system nationwide.

"Let go.. let go.. let go.."
I whisper to them.

Love in the fellowship of same blood.

Is there no way
To love our fellow man?

Is there no way
To love?

Forgiveness.
Forgiveness,
Will be our salvation.

Eyes peeled with hopeful hearts.

Question everything.

Open minds
Breaking chains
And freeing cages.

Let go of it all.
Defend nothing other than sovereignty and pure love.

With love and freedom
We fly.

I think at times like this

I blame You.

I burn with such an intense hatred for my pure existence.

I didn't want this.

You created me and I have seen too much to believe You don't exist.

I know you hear me.

I know You hear me cussing and cursing the Universe and shouting until my throats raw and my lungs give out.

I'm defeated.

And when my tantrum is over and
I've cried and pouted, sat with it for as long as I could...

Then the worst realization always
Begins to sink into my bitterness.

Now to return in humility and fealty.
To come to You at my knees
And admit my powerlessness without You.

Begging in vulnerability for some
******* help.
For love and support,
My apologies with open heart.

Existing is painful so I blame You.
Existing is blissful so I thank You.
.  .  .
Being You must **** too.

But oh,
How I strive to be just like You.

I wish
I found
Anyone
Who could vibe with my crazy,
Untamed mind.

The possibilities are endless
If you're willing to go on an adventure
With my thoughts.

**** getting to know my demons
Because they hardly exist.

Take my hand and indulge in all of my
What if's.

And yes I am a broken record
That always spins.

I'm sorry for the unpredictable
Predictability.

So strange, to have memories of things
that I don't feel like was ever me
doing the remembering.

So strange,

To have memories
that feel like they belong
to a complete stranger.

If I could have warm days outside

And a cool breeze,

With a doobie

And a hammock,

I'd be forever satisfied.

Oh, the joy it brings

To witness and to write

Of all of life's

Beautiful things.

I think I have come to the realization
That poetry is my soul.

It is the song my soul sings,
It is the air I breathe,
Depth, the only language I speak.

I only lose my writing
When I've lost myself.

And her heart blew with a flurry of passion.

Carrying the dandelion seeds
All across the globe
To plant loving wishes
In strangers hearts.

Sometimes I wonder
Is it more beautiful
For two opposing forces
To clash together
And make something new
Or would it be better
To fill in your cracks
With your other
Missing half?

Is there a line that we all draw ourselves somewhere in the sands of time?
Marking the point in your life where, 'just beyond this, is crazy'?

Do you play with yours too?
Balancing, tip-toeing, peeking, backing up and
Running to the edge right before you
Catch yourself on the tip of your toe, to turn around and keep looking down.

The big jump.

Do we all wonder and ask ourselves?

What if?

What if I just did it?
What if I just did the THING?

The scarier thing for me is being stuck, sandwiched on the tightrope between just ******* jumping and never jumping at all.

Always wondering.
Always daydreaming.

Living,
Breathing,
Walking
Regret.

Most days I'm so antsy that I feel like I could jump out of my skin.
A mind that never stops searching
For what is it,
That's within?
I just want my mind to stop
Asking things that have no certainty. Things outside of useless theory.
My skin crawls and itches.
This body feels fake.
As if I could sink my fingers into my cheeks.
Puncture skin and feel my skull underneath.
Rip that ****
Right off my face.
Dig my nails in and hope to God
My soul escapes.

A fleshy prison.
A slavery state.
A slippery *****.
A dire fate.

They says life's a game
But I don't wanna play.
Most of the time I wonder
Why was I ever born this way?

Just do you.
Be you.
Love you.

Your light will shine on those
Ready to sunbathe
And burn up the rest.

Time feels slower than usual.

I feel like I'm walking around in a freeze frame.

Everything quiet.
Everything still.

Like the ambience of snowfall
There's a softness in the air.

Let me begin to chip away,
Piece by piece,
The idealistic fantasy of
The White Knight.

It was never fair to you
Nor I
To expect saving
And almost.. perfection.

A story so often spoon fed to us all
From young ages.
Promised, almost.
So young our minds cling to this projection of what "should" be.

You men carry things
We women could never fathom
Until we open our hearts to see you,
Truly see you,
And graciously allow you
To also be human.

It feels like I'm swimming in the unlimited.
It feels like my mind is just floating around out there somewhere.
Enveloped in the warmth.
Finding bliss in the unknown.
Almost sinking to the deepest parts of the ocean floor
Yet it feels like it could stretch on forever.
As if there is no floor.
There is no end to the void.
I feel like I should feel lost but I know I am not lost.
I am always right where I'm meant to be.
I feel like I'm searching but only feeling through darkness.
Almost feeling nothing and everything together simultaneously.
Floating around in the womb
Of the universe,
Wondering,
Curious,
Waiting on my rebirth.

On the days that I say,
"You are not enough,"
I am truly saying that I
Still have not loved myself
Enough.

I call you love

But not as an endearment.

I call you love

Because that is what you are.

We are all love

Walking around in a human form;

And one day we will return to love.

Why do I have to teach them lessons

With my absence

Instead of with my presence?

Imprinted.

Embedded.

Buried within me.

Burned into my being,

You are.

I can feel you in the air today.

The silence blows through the rifts in my heart.

A gorge eroded from the ache
Of emptiness.

I don't know what it is about me,
I must look like a wild animal,
Because these men think they can tame me.

I am not a fire you need to put out.
I am not the mustang you need to corral.
I can't be ridden, I can't be roped in.

Love me free or let me be.

I love you but I want to let you go.
I love you
Like the flower on the side of the road.
I have to leave you
To let you grow.

If I could set you on fire with the flames that fly off my tongue I would
But I think you'd like it too much.
Quite the ******* I've found.

My hatred for you,
A never ending pit of hell.
Sparked from agony and knowing
You've never wished me well.

The devil tries to hide behind your eyes,
But you can see him when you smile.

Can another poet put the words together for me this time?

String together the words aching inside my chest for these crushing feelings to feel validated.

The words that I sew through my broken heart to keep it from falling apart.
Stitch them together to make sure they stay right where they are
Because being in pain makes me feel like maybe you're not that far.

At least not just yet.

I refuse to even indulge in empty promises.
No more will I accept husks of words
That float on air because they hold no weight to them.

I need rock hard, solid, ground breaking actions because words
Were dangled in front of me for so long.

A carrot on a stick,
Leading me further into the dark.
Guiding me into cages of expectations.

No more.
No more.

I love the way the leaves shake in the wind.
Almost like tiny little whispered claps in the distance, cheering me on.
Saying, "keep going."

I love the way the twigs rub against each other
Singing nature's tunes like a bow on violen strings.

The sun melting away the cold dark loneliness that had casted itself over my soul.

The ground, hard and firm and warm
Reminds me that mother Earth still has me even if no one else does.

I said, "go **** yourself,"
But really my soul was trying to say, "go find yourself."

Where is my hippie soul?
Who preaches peace in every scenario.
Who loves with no limits
Or conditions.

Fighting the good fight.

He'll lay against the grass and scry the clouds with me.
Positioning flowers in my hair
To make a colorful arrangement.

His gypsy soul never settling down.

His eyes never leaving the stars.
I almost want him to love them
More than me.

Finding passion amongst the trees.

Look for me.

I'm twirling in between the trunks
And if you stare just long enough
You'll see me dancing with them.

Shaking the leaves
As the Earth
Makes love with me.

My heart and mind
Need peace and quiet.

Complete silence.
Stillness.

You throw rock after rock
In my pond
And muddy up the water.

All the while
Wondering why you're still not
Seeing clearly.

Our charcoals are dying down
But you are trying to rush in
Breathing as fast as you can
On something that can't
Reignite.

My soul constantly awake now,
With eyes of a newborn
And a heart of a young child.

The mind of a dreamer
Who never sees the ground.

Oh, how I wish
To come back down.

All is elevating
Yet all is falling.

So comes the weight of all wounds
Gone ignored.

A spirit that is ripping,
Achingly torn.

A mind that is breaking
A heart that is sore.

All is elevating
Yet all is falling.

Crumbling underneath
The warrior's calling.