I haven't written in a while.
Not properly. Not like this.

My pain died, with love being the brave warrior that killed it -
                                                                         and one I am thankful for. It's just a shame my creativity was linked to it, but what a fair price to pay.

At the end of the day?

I am happy.

There's music in your mouth and stars in your bones
Sea air in your laughter and sunshine in your hair
Your words are honey and freckles the kisses I wish to always give
You're celestial and transcendent - you mystify me

Your jealousy has bite but mine has venom

People say we're always searching for our other half
Well, love(r), if you're mine,
Know that you are all the good in the world

- And I am all the bad.
x o x

People say that eyes are the windows to the soul,
Well, honey, your soul must be the brightest.

i am so much more than they told me i was

Yes, I am.

more than the haters
more than the lovers
i am more than a queen of beauty
i am your unobtainable
i am your ruined dream
i am a deity far out of reach

and you do not deserve me

your skin is the fairest night sky
with your dark, beautiful constellations and swirling galaxies
brush them against my pale earth again so i can shine

it’s christmas and you’re still made of starlight
you still shine and glow in my memories like the blooming night sky
in my mind your eyes burst with the galaxies of your soul
your skin is still filled with constellations

it’s christmas and i shouldn’t be thinking of you
i shouldn’t be thinking of your mouth and your smile
i shouldn’t think of the glint of your hair
i shouldn’t be thinking of the kisses we did and didn’t share

it’s christmas and the moon is out
i’ve had fun, of course
i’d just have had more fun with you here, love

it’s christmas and you will always be made of starlight
you are a nebula, a comet, a burning sun, a red giant.

i would never go as far as to say you are my world
but you are your own universe,
and you glow

i had a plan to write you a poem with lyrics from phantom of the opera
but after talking with you last night i realised

i need to let you go.

So this is it.

This is my attempt at moving on.

I will forget your lies.
Forget the moments of bliss where you’d stop and stare.
Try not to think of the love that shone through your beautiful eyes
                                                            ­                                            (windows to your beautiful soul)
I’ll not think of the tender sighs,
the sweet breaths,
those words of sentiment and enchantment

I did learn to love you.
You made me love you.
And then you moved on.

It’s my turn now.
Not even a week, but like you said.

“Don’t dwell on it.”

How could I not, when you were my first?

But I’ll try.
For you.
My red-head phantom.
But most importantly?

*For me.

god, what would i give
what would i give just to kiss you again
“our combo move”
“our thing”
to kiss you
to kiss you and bite your lip til you groan
bite your tongue til you **** in that breath
**** in that breath and surge forward
push me into the mattress
kiss me til we’re both breathless
breathless on us

god, what would i give
what would i give to touch you again
touch your beautiful skin
trail my tanned fingers across your pality
kiss your chest
your stomach
anywhere i can reach,
                                    though you hate yourself
                                    though you think you’re chubby
                                                          ­                            (you’re not)

i just want to tug on your hair again
that blooming copper blush
my little male empusa
my charmander
my charizard
                     (better than a dragonite, no matter what you say)

im not one for changing opinions
but id do anything to have you back in my arms
to stretch my arms across your wide back, those muscles you work so hard for

god, you’re still mine

you’ll always be mine

“only if you want to
it’s a deal”

its a stupid deal
how dare you ask me that
how dare you

i want to **** on your neck like the first few times until the bruise blossoms
that tag
that label
“Mine.”

i am no poet
i am no artist like you
but one day i will write you
etch your name into the paper
as i wish you’d etch your love into my skin
as you used to

you know you’re being stupid
you know you’ll move on soon enough
you don’t even like him that much
at least,
that’s what you tell yourself

you know you barely know each other
you know you haven’t a chance
one conversation isn’t enough for anything
at least,
it’s what you tell yourself

so you write
what you’ll regret
write and write
a late bloomer into that depressing poetry stage
a late bloomer in life,
let’s be honest, honey

but everything’s hard
and this makes it harder
this causes too much strife
with your

useless

useless

friends

god, just fill me
fill me with your love
fill me with yourself
fill me with anything thats not what i feel now

i know im selfish

im hoping you’re sad
hoping you’re distraught even
i hope you’ve cried
i hope you’ve mourned the things we never did

luna

no. no.

newcastle
edinburgh

god what’s the point

i hope you’re as sad as i am
worse ?
i hope i hope
i wish i wish

i wish tuesday never happened

the part where everything stopped
the part where the red string was cut

oh god, and writing this

writing this, i remember

“soulmate”, you said

“soulmate”, after such a short time

well if i am your soulmate, as you lied said
things will be okay
we’ll get back
back from the nothing

the red string was never cut
it has a knot, it got tangled
like the movie you never saw

that red string that ties us together
red as your hair
that red string
if you were right
you probably weren’t
it is tangled, never broken, never cut, always there

haha writing this

writing this has given me some sense of ****** up optimism
three poems in one day, god, how pathetic
all because of some **** you said in the early hours of the morning, delirious
delirious on us, just as i was

“soulmate”, you said

soulmate

I’ll hold on to that.

you were my first everything
but to you i was just another blip
                                                      wasn’t­ i?

you say i was different

i probably wasnt

in a few months time you’ll forget me

i dont think im being naive
i dont think im attached because of the firsts

i think im attached because of the words
because of the things you said
the love that poured from your mouth
the pure honeysickle, the chocolate that you dont like

the things you said that i’d never ever heard before

not said to me

not ever said to me.

the way you touched me

as though the sun shined through my “ridiculous tan”
as though the stars rushed through my veins
the cool ones on my eyelids i showed you
“let me see them again”
your image is burned behind them

like your name

your hair

your beautiful hair

i’d show you anything
i showed you everything

i know it wasnt a lie
no one’s that good an actor
not even gerard butler or your friend steven

you loved me

you love me?

you kissed me like it was our last every time
until it was
or was it?

the way you spoke
the things you said
straight out of a book on romance and love and romance again

beautiful
stunning
gorgeous
perfect

all words that never really applied to me
     -     they applied to you
but you didnt believe me
                                      you never once believed me.
                                      not about this.
                                      the most important thing.

almost like the phantom.

you were the phantom and i was christine

at least in your eyes

your beautiful storm eyes a girl could get lost in

i did get lost

i am lost

lost in you
lost in you and your eyes
     -     you and your hair
     -     you and your smile
     -     you and your legs
     -     your skin
     -     the patch above your hip
     -     the space near your…

despite the laughs we shared
the agreement on being friends
i dont know if i can

i have to but i dont know if i can

i dont know if i can forget you
you and your everything

your perfect everything,
     -     even if you never believed it

i don’t feel well anymore
my spirit doesnt soar
“we never said our love was evergreen…”
who could guess how true those words were
your hair no longer brightens my day
your eyes dont spark me into life
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i dont understand
but i miss you
everyone thinks its stupid
and it is
is there more?
more you never said?
do you really still love me?

like i love you?

i love you

you said you loved me

then why

why
why
why

we could have made it work

maybe we still can

i love you, ginger-boy

you and your hair