I tried to smoke away my thoughts of you today-
but as the hunger pain etched into my stomach
and as every single laugh left my lips-
all I could taste was you.
My mind was somewhere else-
but I still ended up finding you there.
I've had writers block for a week
it still hasn't stopped but I hope
writing about the way you left me
will help the words come back to me
I hope it will make me worthy of something again.

I broke today-
my 10 month streak of no self-harm diminished
and I was at war with myself again.
I gave myself a concussion
clinging to the episodic tendencies I've always known-
I missed the familiarity.  
My nose started to bleed
because all the stress was getting
way too into my head
and so was I.
I fainted.
and no one was around to find me.
I woke up from falling-
alone once again
which reminded me of my childhood
everything reminds me of my childhood
the days when the stress would take me over
and sleep would win in an instant-
everything makes me feel so low
everything reminds me my childhood
except you.
But why do I see your features etched
into every face I come across.
Why does this feeling in my gut
tell me I should run back to you-
why do I feel like you're my forever
but you want that with someone else instead.
You said I wasn't the problem
and you cried when I kissed you for the last time
as you hoped you weren't making a mistake
even though you knew you were.

I hope one day I forget you-
that your name just turns into
another face in the crowd
another person I don't care to know.
I would've spent my life with you.
But you were too caught up in insecurities
and inconsistency.
People in your ear
telling you this forever thing doesn't exist.
I was left on the ground-
sharp words from your lips
pinning me down
all for your peace of mind
all so I could eventually lose mine.
Enjoy your freedom-
because I am now the prisoner
trapped inside myself
and you had the key-
but you tossed it aside
for that peace of mind
and your own company.
I am now my own tragedy-
Misery loves company,
but ******* I love lonely.

If I wanted to describe you,
I would need to learn
To write in numbers

For there are only
Twenty-six
Letters in the alphabet
But an
Infinity
Of numbers

And I would need every one of them,
Just to describe you

Why am I
Still awake?

I should be sound asleep,
Having happy dreams
Not lying here
Awake
Dreading sleep
For fear
Of my nightly visions
Nightmares

After all,
I am still a child
I think
Maybe

Why am I still awake?

My soul is a flame.
Right now it's a spark,
Sputtering and flickering,
Trying to stay alive.

But I swear,
It was once
A bonfire

It seems as though,
I am forever saying
Sorry

Sorry this
Sorry that

I have even said sorry
For saying sorry
Too much

I wish I could say,
I don't care anymore,
You won't hear 'sorry'
From me again

But that will never happen

So here's another sorry
For everyone

I'm sorry
If I'm annoying

I'm sorry
If I'm naive

I'm sorry
If I write too much

I'm sorry
If I am pessimistic

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I swear,
I'm sorry

But now,
I'm done apologizing

It's this lump in my throat that seizes to be swallowed.
The missing thoughts in my mind that keep me from reality.
There are burns on my wrist from the ropes that bind them.
My mouth is shut tight from the tape that conceals it.

It's the screaming in my head and the ringing in my ears.
The shake in my hands and the ache in my feet.
There is a burning in my muscles from the tension in my body.
My deserted frame is collapsing.

It's the filth in my bones that wont wash away.
The haunt of 2:00 am that relentlessly feeds this exhaustion.

I was sick last night and I couldn't help but cry,
As the morning comes I thought I'd wake up with something, yet you didn't even try-
To ask if I'm still okay. God, my heart's shattering.
As you speak, like I'm nothing.

You're good and it's good to know.
But a little concern for me? You forgot to show.
I guess if you really want something, you'll be dying to get.
All I hope is that someday, it won't be *regrets.