Not I am hungry
But I hunger
Terms chosen with care
And arranged with the same eye
Think you not of my intelligence
Instead of that think the habitual thoughts
Of the small mind who wants to shine
I don’t glow, you can’t know
Of days when I was young
And the angry songs that were sung
To hell with that

Reach further, grow deeper
I am closer to an old man
And the me that was young
Is a stranger, and stranger still  
Was angry, and unkind, and loving
And a wanderer who was lost
Memoirs begin here
With the story to tell
Mining memories for memoirs
And I don’t care if it’s foolish
I risk my own creation
For the hellfire

These walls are empty
Just like me
Stale and pale
Cold to the touch
These walls are bare
And naked
Stripped
There's bruised
Dented
Decorated with wounds
And scrapped off skin
****** from the knuckle marks
Left on them like hickeys
They've been pealed
There insides revealed
It's just as dark and cold in here
These walls are lonely
They've never been touched
Windows covered in paint
No light ever gets in
No picture or frames  
Just the occasional
Electric outlet
These wall are empty
Just like me

To all of you who thought
I took it like a champ
I didn't

I cried like a child
I drank like a fish

I clung to ideas
That couldn't hold up the weight
Of my curiosity
I looked for easy ways out
I begged God to make things
the way they were before
To change my past

I searched and found all my flaws
And tried to **** them
To be good enough
To be what I used to be

I crawled and moped
And blamed myself for everything
While being hardly able to do anything
but sleep

When you saw me
You saw an actor
So unsure of his role
That he hammed it up

Every smile, display of happyness
The mirror reaction
To the true inside death

I was not okey
I was not a champ
I was alone for the first time
Since I was a boy

When the waves rose up behind you,
And began to drag you away,
I threw every piece of me out to keep you afloat,
I couldn't let you die,
I would sooner rip myself to shreds to save you,
But when those vicious currents came after me,
The undertow swept me away,
And you just watched,
You were too scared of the water to help me,
I understood why,
No one had ever been willing to possibly drown for me,
I just thought you were different...

When the thought of a simple call
To the bank,
Or the doctor,
Leaves you in tears.

When working up the courage to call
Your best friend you just texted,
Or the pizza place down the road,
Leaves you with acrobatic elephants in your stomach.

When getting up on time
To go to class,
Or your job interview,
Leaves you nauseous.

When you sit there ten minutes later thinking
Why does this happen every time?
Or why can't I be normal?
Leaves you feeling like a failure.

Just say "hello"
Nope, that'll leave you wanting to *****.
Smile to them
Nope, that'll leave you shaking and sweating.
Give a wave
Nope, that'll leave you on the floor rocking back and forth.

At the end of the day
When all you can think about
Is how you were so terrified you couldn't move,
Or that you just want it to end and go away,
But knowing that it'll just keep happening

When all they can say to you is:
Just do it already.
Why do you have to make things so difficult?
Get over it!
Can't you ever act normal?
As you learn to hate yourself just a bit more
Each and every day.
As you slowly fall back
Into a downward spiral of depression.

a loverboy that didn’t last
an agreement
maybe it wasn’t supposed to

i can add him to the list
i’ve got going in my head

‘ones who left’

never wrote it down because
i think it might change

a loverboy who held my head
the 30th time he found me
spinning in circles
chasing neon with whiskey

held it until the morning after
brought me water in a mug
‘you’re a cool girl, can i see you tonight’
and then never called

i can write about him
until i find someone new

loverboy who i wasn’t ready to lose
just yet

he asked ‘yet’?
and i corrected
‘ever’

loverboy who left me little crumbs
to eat
after he took me home for dinner

he says he’s ‘not in the right place
for loving a girl like you’
and i roll my eyes, toss my socks into the corner
‘yet?’ i ask

‘ever’