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Feb 17 · 32
Take it
Caela Bay Feb 17
Take it all back.
The books
The poems
The words.
Take back the photos
And the laugher
And the kisses.
Because I don’t want to love you anymore.

Take back the songs,
And secrets,
And moments.
Because They leave holes inside of me.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

I’ll pack it all in a box,
Ship it to your house;
Or drop it off at your doorstep when your not home.
But please,
Don’t leave me with all these things that remind me of you,

I’ll never be able to move on.

So,
Take it.
Cause I don’t want to love you anymore.
Caela Bay Feb 16
We were always missing each other by minutes.
In the same place,                                                           ­                                                                 ­         At the wrong time.
Watching the same sunset,                                                          ­                                                              Fro­m opposite sides of the neighborhood.
You were painting,                                                        ­                                                                 ­              While I was writing.
You were living while I was trying,                                                          ­                                                To not fall in love with another boy who’d never notice me.
Wishing we had met just a little later                                                            ­                                                When I became the women I wanted to be,                                                              ­                                 When I grew into the girl who would have fit you perfectly.
I was always playing the game.
Waiting for you.
When I’d arrive late,                                                            ­                                                                 ­  You’d show up even later.  
When I’d sit in the room, much to soon,                                                            ­                                        Hoping that you’d come early.                                                           ­                                                     I would learn that you had left hours ago.
We are parallels,                                                       ­                                                                 ­           Moving in the same direction                                                        ­                                                   But a two completely different rates.            
We were always missing each other.
By a minute.                                                          ­                                                                 ­               By a month.                                                           ­                                                                 ­                By a life time.
Sep 2023 · 58
Ghost in a Grocery Store
Caela Bay Sep 2023
Maybe it’s all the pills they keep pilling on
                        One more and I’ll feel better…

Maybe its the family genetics finally kicking in that I always thought I out ran…

Maybe it’s my twenties
         Everyone keeps telling me this is how it should feel…
                               Or
Maybe it’s the fact that no amount of trazadone can get me too sleep
No dose of Adderall will keep me awake
Not a gram of Lexapro can make me feel
Happy
And I just keep trying my ******* best but everyday life finds a new way to kick me in teeth.

Maybe it’s my grandma dying,
     Or that I don’t talk to my brother anymore…

Maybe it’s the fact that I sit in this chair once a week saying all these things to a person who is only paid to care and I still tell them everything anyway because if I don’t say it out loud to another person and just keep replying it in my head over and over one day I’ll start to scream and never stop.

         I feel like a ghost in a grocery store
Starring at the shelves of food wondering why I’m even here.
once an old man over the phone at my job told me,
“Caela, you’re a good cat” And sometimes that’s the one statement I feel like I can live for.
Sep 2023 · 274
Is it a cycle or a circle?
Caela Bay Sep 2023
I break the men that fall in love with me.
I teach them to worship me,
Then leave them for suffocating me.

I fill their heads with the ideas that I am lucky to have them and that I don’t have the self esteem to leave them.

Then one day, hit them with the,
“I’ve grown out of you.”


I am switch blade with a broken safety feature.
I cut whoever’s hand is holding me.
Caela Bay Jun 2023
I cannot express to you an emotion that you have never
and will never feel.

As you were blessed to be born into a body you love.

But if I did try to put it into words,
I would say that it is the equivalent of  a sense of loss,
grief
lack of control.

A daily and constant reminder.

I live in skin that does not belong to me.


                                      
And no amount of nourishment/starvation/love/hatred,
will ever be able to fix the feeling.



This is a body
but not the one I’m suppose to have.
Caela Bay Jun 2023
No one every tells you how hard it is
                 Watching someone you love die                   slowly.

                            It’s worse
Than the quick knife to the heart when their death is sudden.

      A moment:grief. Then nothingness.

                    But the slow deaths,
They ache.
Like a growing cancer eating its way out
and we acknowledge that there is no cure.
         Just waiting. Watching. Agonizing.

This time will be it.    
   I’m ready. I’ve said my goodbyes.

                              No. Not yet.
                         One more month.


And while I wish I could rejoice in this extra time together. I can’t.

                    You’re in pain. I see it.
                                   I feel it.
You’re suffering                
And all I can do is watch.
Jun 2023 · 297
It’s Simple.
Caela Bay Jun 2023
Know that if you are to leave,
you can always come back.
Aug 2020 · 239
Dies by butterflies
Caela Bay Aug 2020
I am what they call aggressively in love
my feelings punch me in the gut
             and beat me till I am blue.
I am what they call depressively  in love
it doesn’t make me happy to feel this much. What you call butterflies  
                   I feel as knives.
I’m anxious and I’m angry.
and I don’t want these feelings.
Jun 2020 · 158
My Father
Caela Bay Jun 2020
My father taught me that I love you does not always have to be expressed through words
Or gifts
   or grand gestures.
But that I love you Is shown by simply showing up.
By understanding,
And sometimes, making me understand.
Even when I don’t want to.

“I love you”
is him seeing that,
I am him,
Yet he chooses to better me.
To teach me,
To give me the strength I need
When words are not enough to make it through hard times.
My father does not say I love you a lot,
Because his father never told him.
So my father learned not say I love you
But to show it.
Mar 2020 · 109
Quarantine
Caela Bay Mar 2020
Today is one of those days
Where my body has to work twice as hard simply to make its way out of bed
  When the rain from the shower head feels as though thousands of small needles are tattooing my skin with invisible ink

Its not a bad day
Just a long day
             And it’s only 1pm
Jan 2020 · 97
New Year
Caela Bay Jan 2020
I was sitting on the subway
    Drunk
And in love
With somebody else.

Until I smelled your cologne on a stranger
And every good moment we had came rushing back.
Like a sickness, your doctors are sure you are cured of
But you are convinced you still have.

Hypochondriac.
That’s me,
With you.
You won’t leave,
Even when you have.

Even when it’s been years
and I have moved on
and I am happy now

But Jimmy Choo on anyone else
Makes me sick
With an illness
Lovesick and nauseous.

I’m drunk,
   and in love with someone else.
But this subway is another place
I will never go again without thinking of you.
Dec 2019 · 1.0k
Isn't Nostalgia Romantic?
Caela Bay Dec 2019
Seven years is long enough
    to change everything about one's self.

New hair,
   New clothes,
   New friends.

Your favorite movie probably isn't even the same.
But I remember what it was half a decade ago,
               and it's still my favorite.

Your voice is deeper now,
your words arent as sweet.
I have no clue what has happened to you
in the past seven years.

But I won't get over the fact
that your eyes are still kind,
and I imagined marrying you one day.
Caela Bay Nov 2019
It shakes me up.
   It tears me down.

It drowns me in the smell of rain and trees,
that drenches that beautiful sun-kissed skin of hers.

It keeps me up,
   It makes it difficult to sleep.
when I'd rather talk to her,
for one hour,
for eternity,
I'll take all I can get.

It's those eyes.
They sparkle like stars,
at 2 am
when the night sky is at its darkest,
and those stars shine brighter than anything else in the universe.

It's that smile.
so infectious,
I can't help but smile back.

Its the way she talks about leaving this town,
to move on to bigger and better things.

I believe her.
   she can do it.
      she will do it.

It's her.
She is sunshine wrapped in a thunderstorm.

A flower,
so pretty you want to pick it,
yet so poisonous,
you'll die trying.
  
She is deadly
    and she is beautiful.
And there is something about her, that reminds me of the sea.
Nov 2019 · 143
Winter
Caela Bay Nov 2019
I lose interest
I lack tenacity
I'm falling back
Into black and blue
Into "I'm not good enoughs"
and giving up without even trying

Summers gone,
  yellow no longer stains the sky
The smell of trees and hot heat
  will not fill my brain for eight more months
It's cold and I'm lonely.
Oct 2019 · 328
Colors
Caela Bay Oct 2019
All I feel is blue
  Yet I see you in yellow
Together we make green
   But my favorite colors purple
So I chase after reds
That are busy making orange
And I continue feeling blue
  Until I no longer see color
Caela Bay Sep 2019
I always hoped
I'd haunt you.

The thought of me
would linger
in everything
you do.

My face
would never
leave your dreams.

You'd wake
in panic.

I'm not there
aymore.

You miss me.

I always hoped
I'd haunt you.
But you
ended up
haunting me.
Aug 2019 · 250
It echos in my Heart
Caela Bay Aug 2019
My feelings for you have been swimming around inside of me for so long that it's making me seasick.
Running in circles like a carousel, driving me crazy.
They refuse to stop swimming, spinning,
burning like a wildfire.
Jun 2019 · 570
Miserable.
Caela Bay Jun 2019
Need I say more?
Tired
  Tired of being tired
Sick
with an illness, no one can see.

Miserable.

Need I say more?
I am
   the worst form of lonely.
Jun 2019 · 237
Ghost Love
Caela Bay Jun 2019
The frightening part of it all was when he kissed me,
my mouth then starved for him.
He had become oxygen, and my lungs quite empty.
With every touch my body burned
with an eager fire that ignited inside of me.
May 2019 · 198
It's been awhile....
Caela Bay May 2019
I love to see you smile
even if it hurts me

Tell me all the good things
I'll accept them as love scratches
               on my skin

Talk to me about her
I'll cry about it later

Show me that beautiful look
Your nonmaterial sword
  that stabs right through my heart

Share with me your growth
I will rejoice ( though I am lonely)

Tell me that you're happy
             Even if that's a lie

Hurt me with your glee

I'll make it through
the emotional hell called heartbreak

as long as             I can stay by your side.
May 2019 · 884
A Tuesday Afternoon
Caela Bay May 2019
What makes your soul cry
On a Tuesday afternoon?
When the music is the same,
The weather is the same,
But your heartaches more than usual.

What causes the tears to fall
When you are not grief-stricken?
But the hole in your chest grows a few more inches.

What makes the bed your fortress
The sheets, your armor
The pillows, your shield.

What creates the world outside to be your enemy?

It's just a Tuesday afternoon,
and a little rain.
May 2019 · 374
...
Caela Bay May 2019
...
I'm
  Br
  o
       k
          en
Caela Bay Feb 2019
It almost makes me sick
when I realize that
I had imagined you so many times
loving me
that when reality punched me in the face
with the brutally honest truth
that you couldn't care less about me
all the love I had given you
in my mind
felt pointless
and painful
and yet,
I've never stopped thinking about you.
Jan 2019 · 460
All That Matters.
Caela Bay Jan 2019
Who could possibly love a girl like me?
Me.
I could love a girl like me.

There is nothing more
that I need
than the love
from a girl like me.
Caela Bay Jan 2019
They ask me to speak from the heart
but even the heart cannot explain
the mixture of enjoyment and sorrow that it feels
all in the same moment
Jan 2019 · 197
If you don't like it....
Caela Bay Jan 2019
I will never apologize for who I am
the words I write
or the things I feel.
Caela Bay Jan 2019
I think I am still bitter
over all of it.

I have declared self-enlightenment
from past heartaches and let downs.

Yet, I can't seem to let anything go.

I find the manipulation in people.
I search for the reasons not to trust.
I'm still trying to be alone,
though every atom inside of me,
clearly wants to be loved.
Dec 2018 · 238
New isn't always Better
Caela Bay Dec 2018
I hide myself
from guys like you
with your genuine eyes
and pretty words
I was warned about
your secret agendas

I am fearful of the monsters
that lurk behind
the type  of people
who can grab
a strangers hand so easily
and declare "love"
as though it does not
have a four-letter meaning

I hide myself away
from guys like you
by giving myself away
to guys like you
if I let you touch,
feel,
every part of my body
then it won't hurt as bad
when you stab me
in my chest
where my heart used to be.
I do not keep it there anymore
I've learned from guys like you

I prepared myself
the moment you set your sights
on me.

I know
to hurt you
will leave me
feeling guilty
but to love you
will leave me
feeling lonely

So
I have an escape plan
a bag packed
sitting in the back of my car

I'm ready to run at any moment
cause guys like you
never mean it
Caela Bay Nov 2018
I have a passion that rages inside of me

but it does not know what to be passionate

about

I have the intentions to be inspired
and yet I somehow lack
the capacity to act on these dreams

I have the talent to be amazing

although a fear grows heavier every day

that I will amount the to the bare minimum of it all.
Oct 2018 · 334
You. (clarity)
Caela Bay Oct 2018
The strangest thing happens
when I write about you.
People listen.
They notice.
even when I don't,

notice.

The strangest thing happens
when I think about you.
The words flow through me
in a simple and tangible way.
Oct 2018 · 171
Sugar
Caela Bay Oct 2018
My words are coated in so many layers of what I believe I should say,
that when I speak them,
they are so sweet,
they leave a gross taste in people‘s mouth‘s.
I should’ve learned already,
that people can taste the difference between natural and artificial sweetener.
Sep 2018 · 198
When it comes down to it.
Caela Bay Sep 2018
It's quite simple,
I love to love things,
that don't love me back.
Caela Bay Aug 2018
It feels as if
I never had him
And yet
It seems as though
He was just here
Yesterday.
Aug 2018 · 577
The Truth is.
Caela Bay Aug 2018
I always seem to find humor in the sad parts.
They touch my arm and smile at me with pity
and say, you look so healthy.
I smile back and tell them
that I feel so much better.

The truth is,
it gets easier,
then it gets harder.
A rollercoaster of disorders and anger.
The melancholy haunts me.
Makes me think that I was fitter
when I was skinny
and dizzy
and tired and weak.

All I feel now
is like a freak,
with no friends
no passion
no love in my heart.
Just a girl with clothes that don't fit
and hips with stretch marks.
Feb 2018 · 259
8-25-16
Caela Bay Feb 2018
you break my heart
you who loves me so deeply
you make me cry
you who would do anything for me
you make me swoon but you make me sigh
because sometimes love makes you lie.
Sometimes love is not all it is made out to be
it puts a pit in your stomach and leaves an aching in your chest.
that love that you loved so much
causes you to feel more sadness than love
This facade can only last so long
I cant keep telling myself its right
when it feels so terribly, utterly wrong.
Feb 2018 · 221
It is time.
Caela Bay Feb 2018
My heart is breaking

It's breaking out of this cage called love
These iron shackles of what-ifs and maybes
These steel bars of guilt and unhappiness

My heart is breaking in more ways than one

It's breaking for you
                                    and away from you.
Sep 2017 · 239
Dancing
Caela Bay Sep 2017
I love to love. I love to be loved.
I should not have to feel ashamed of these things,
and yet being so young and loving so deeply makes me feel some kind of blue.
Sep 2017 · 248
me
Caela Bay Sep 2017
me
I bend for people,
I bend so far backward that I feel one day I will snap in half
and no one will be able to put me back together.
Sep 2017 · 8.2k
why I hate college
Caela Bay Sep 2017
I ran into a ghost today
And by ghost, I mean a person from my past
And by person from my past, I mean an old friend, who I really used to care about.
And by ran into I mean we passed each other in the hallway,
we looked up then looked away then looked back one more time, realizing at this point we couldn’t pretend we didn’t see each other.

He was so kind and he was so gentle
and I was so scared, I tried to run away
yet at the same time all I wanted in that moment was to stay and talk to him.  
We hardly said five words,
then he pretended to be meeting a friend
and I pretended I was late for class,
though in actuality my class didn’t start for forty-five more minutes.
I ran down the hall and sat in the corner alone, hating myself for not being able to ask one simple question.
“how are you?”
“how’s your family?”
“Are you happy?”
Cause all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
I know it didn’t seem that way
But I was selfish, and you were young and I was young.
And then the anxiety came on and my chest started to hurt and the feeling reminded me of why I don’t make friends anymore.

Then the teacher showed up and asked me if I was okay.
And the pounding turned to aching,
that simmered into a dull pain.
I smiled and said yes.
He said that I wore my emotions on my face.
And I laughed and said thank you.

Then I went on with my day.
But the aching Is still there,
It will probably never leave.
Aug 2016 · 350
Senior
Caela Bay Aug 2016
You are like a nightmare,
a bad memory.
You creep into my mind unnecessarily.
You seep into the cracks of my old soul,
and embed yourself into my melancholy.
They say you're just a broken person,
But you are poison,
The perfect muse for my poetry.
-CAB-
Jan 2016 · 234
conversations with myself
Caela Bay Jan 2016
"we all have demons. "
"how bad are yours?"
" mine aren't bad. they're just... loud."
May 2015 · 1.5k
invisible friends
Caela Bay May 2015
No, I am not religous.
I do not believe in these cults that tell you to conform to their ways or be punished for all of eternity.

But I am also not an ******* who would put down peoples Gods that save them from this life and keep them holding on.
Believing that there might be a speck of light, that at the end of all of this madness and pain.
That they may get rewarded in the end for being as good as they possibly can.

Cause lets not lie, demons are real.
There was no imaginary friends when we were children. 
 They were the reflections of our inner selves that we did not know were us.
Doesn't that explain why we always blamed them when we did something wrong?
They're still there, we just choose to ignore them now.

When I finally leave this world,
I'll be excited about who I see.
If it's God or Zeus or Satan or Buddha,
it won't make a difference to me.
And if I end up in an endless abyss,
I'll giggle over the fact that we worried so much about it.
May 2015 · 280
Untitled
Caela Bay May 2015
"shut your mouths!" is all i hear "shut your mouths you hypocrites!"
the words come spewing out from the hypocrites themselves.
Apr 2015 · 495
i am poison
Caela Bay Apr 2015
I am poison.
I always think I'm saving you
but I just make you feel incompetent

They don't like me, they don't like you with me.
it's always been this way

i am poison.
i'll try to run away
but you always catch me.
you love me to love you. you like the pain.
Mar 2015 · 432
Being the rebound
Caela Bay Mar 2015
Ever feel like you love someone ten times more than they love you,
because their heart has been tattered and torn by someone else?
So they can't give you all of it because pieces are scattered between them and the other person.
The parts they do give you, you hold onto with every inch of your heart and soul.
But sometimes it still hurts, because the hundred percent you give them,
they gave to someone else.
And they don't regret it, they are just pained by it.
It's a pain you can never fix.
It's just another broken piece of them you try to learn to love,
even if it breaks your heart and scatters it between you and them.
Mar 2015 · 2.6k
starcrossed
Caela Bay Mar 2015
Don't leave me,
I swear I won't be able to stand it
there are days when it feel like ***** is filling my lungs
and I am stupid enough to try and take another sip.

You're not just the sun,
You're the whole ******* universe.
I look at you and see galaxies, milky ways and star dust.
Yet I feel like the tiniest little falling star that's ready to burst.

Your laugh that you say is "so annoying"
is like orchestra music to me;
when the violin and cello  intertwine
it's the most divine sound I could ever hear;
every hair on my body stands up
and in that moment I  just kind of, fall in love.

Like that smile, oh that smile.
The way you crinkle your nose,
When you make me laugh like a child
and that tiny little he-he that you giggle back to me.

when you walk away to spend eight hours a day
slaving away to make food for people you don't even know
with people you don't even like.

I just want to throw my arms around you and pull you back,
say, " no. lets go take a nap"
I'll pet your hair and scratch your back.

I love to listen to the stories you tell me
the more I know, the more I become intrigued
I'm infatuated with you, who is so fascinating.

I know I am difficult.
you don't have to pretend like I'm not
instead of telling you that i'm struggling
I sit silently and let myself drown
and I know that I'm pulling you down to,
that's one thing I never want to do

cause without you, where I'd be
is a place where I don't think I could even call myself me.

It ***** that I'm needy,
and i'm sorry I'm so clingy
I'm not use to missing someone next to me when I sleep.
wanting to wake up to see your face
knowing that I can go on with my day.
my lungs won't be filled up
and for awhile I'll be able to smile
not wanting to drown out the pain with sleep or drugs.

Cause I dream about your eyes and I see galaxies
I think about your laugh and I hear music

"Beauuutiful"   ( you always say)
yes you are.      ( I always think)
Mar 2015 · 522
It's frightening
Caela Bay Mar 2015
i am madly, deeply, brutally in love.
Feb 2015 · 232
Untitled
Caela Bay Feb 2015
Sad people write beautiful stories.
Jan 2015 · 3.1k
Sophomore
Caela Bay Jan 2015
you're beautiful but slowly rotting
as the years go by your face becomes prettier
but your hearts grows uglier.
it's those friends of yours,
it's that attitude of yours
its that doubt in your eyes
and the boredom in your voice
your words are shallow
and it breaks my heart.
Jan 2015 · 252
Untitled
Caela Bay Jan 2015
My room is a mess
my mind is a wreck
he put a fire in my throat
a rain storm in my heart
and they never end.
-C.A.B-
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