This horrible feeling
This constant reminder
Of how my life is not one worth living
So many mistakes
So many regrets
None is which can be returned to me
All I want is for this smile on my face to be real
I smile everyday
I laugh all the time
I say I'm happy
Although not once was it true
In 4th grade girls' minds
Is how to braid hair and jump rope
But in this 10 year old mind lays
Suicidal thoughts to no end
Except the one to unlatch
No source of it
Just the thought of
What's the point in life?.
No matter the direction we will take
Our roads will all meet in one spot
Death
The beautiful, breath-taking moment of
Death
The moment I'm longing for
But how will it come?.
A car accident?.
A heart attack?.
Will it be gruesome?.
Or will it be of natural cause?.
In my sleep?.
I don't care
I just want it to come
Come faster
I don't want this life I'm living
I don't care for it
And never will
I don't care if I will end up
In my own big white house
With matching white plates and bowls
That's worth more than the snowy white husky
And the an Audi R8 in the garage
Alongside my perfectly polished children and spouse
Who will never hear the idiotic thought of rebelling against me
Or if I end up living with no job
No fancy house
Or a car
Or family
If I'm all alone
Living in the streets
I don't ******* care
I just want the Grim Reaper to come take me
Take me with you
You have my soul to take
Just put me out of my misery
I can't stand being on this planet
In this universe
No strings attached
Please
I beg of you
Just help
Rid me of this
Forsaken worthless case of a life
I call my own
Because it is unwanted
It’s yours to take
And keep

protection
from evil
foreign
and familiar
protection
your sole purpose
a failed duty
a broken wall
a broken child
a failed mother

went to the house last night
well this morning
4 am
strange  
houses so full
of memories
emotions
simple things
tiny moments
split seconds
no one remembers
gripping this steering wheel
clenching my fingers
attempting to map
the blueprint
in shadows
trying to look
in black windows
old wounds and burns
festering once more
lump in my throat
tears of happy thoughts
cheery reminiscences
distance is present
desiring past habits and quirks
sunday dinners
countless conversations
with billows of smoke
running from our lips
papa and momma bear
remain on the hill
but kids like to run free
all different directions
locations away from
the white house
aftermath
odd change in the air
heavier
almost ominous
but familiar
welcoming
but not home

|Broken Molecules |

Help
Needed and available
…If I search
Loved ones
In darkness
Placed by me
Expected to be…
…Decent
The outside
Different
Inside… blackness
Expectations pile high
But my shower
Saw my  face
Once
Knowledge of the next word?.
Not surprised
Choking on
“the tip of your tongue”
Don’t have a place
In your mind,
Roommates?
Forgiveness
Although
Counted how many times
MY lips touched
Your pipe
Having deep conversations
Your sweet friend
Christina
And
My old friend
Death
Didn’t know
Preoccupied?.
True
Got your own ****
Handle
Cause I’m not
Losing order
Losing my way
Falling deeper
Into the rabbit holes
Breaking where
I’m broken
Broken Molecules
Nothing more
Than these words and tears
So who am I now?.
A pathetic week

Sleep
At 2 AM
Uncommonly
I have insomnia
No.
Sleep
No sooner than 2 AM
Every night
Work at 6 am
Sleepless, restless nights
Caused by the burning hole
Silent attacks at 4 AM
In fear of waking the house
Phone died
No charger
I’m so depressed
No.
Lack of energy
Lack of motivation
For basic tasks
Last shower?.
4 days ago
Mental illness
Laying in bed
Paralyzed
Responsibilities to be completed
With no will
To put effort
Consequence?.
A racing pulse
Sweat dripping
Palms shaking
Ragged breathing
Searching for savior
Once in a person
Disappeared
Alone again
Nowhere to turn
Swallowing the pain
Razor sharp
Slicing down my throat
Choking back
Cries for help
They don’t care
Broken
All you’ll ever be
Searching for silence
At the bottom of bottles
The butts of cigarettes
The bowls of pipes
Till my feet lift
From the cold pavement
Till…
…Numb