Let these creaking bodies play
the melodies of lust and test
my mettle upon the metal grey
and cold upon this weary chest.
I knew those lips would tear away
that skin, and those eyes my heart infest.
I knew my mind had gone astray
when I realized I knew who knew me best.
And her lips tasted like metal
And she boiled my emotions in a kettle
And she played lines on my chest like treble
and bass notes rose from my throat
and those lips sung slashes for the rest.

You told me to flee as you shot at the enemy
The bullets echoed in your mind
My eyes were wide but only you could see
Fresh blood that had already faded in time

You knew well who the wicked were
So you never took your medicine
There was no need for a doctor
Only some bruises and cuts on your skin

Screaming in a voice that wasn't yous
Running over no man's land
Your screams echo within suburban walls
You don't trust my outstretched hand

A summer's day in our peaceful town
Your face bear´s the lines of blazing heat
You hear an explosion, you pull me down
As a truck slowly passes down the street

You still have the same touch when you hold me
Muttering what those hands have done
Pictures and flashes take over reality
Until there´s just sand, dust, loss and your gun

You are one of the lucky ones
But you didn´t come back the same
Sweating years and guilt until morning comes
Hearing your friends calling out your name

The fear of losing you is gone now
These days I carry fear of a different kind
That I´ll come towards you and somehow
You'll see my face and won't know it's mine

Inside you there is a wild storm
Were anguish and sadness grow
Suddenly you're back in your uniform
Surrounded by young faces you'll never know

I love you, no matter who you are
Forgive me for not removing your pain
When you enter a tank, I enter a car
Without warning your ghosts are back again

You're walking on the soil you fought for
Hearing people's voices condemn
In your mind you're still at war
Even if you did it all for them

I'm somewhere and nowhere.

Hear me out. This isn't meant to be profound or riddling, just me. Granted I throw up walls like a kid who ate too much cake on his birthday, but today its just me. I promise.

I know that can hard to believe, even for me. Some days I'm euphoric, some days I'm broken, or bitter or boisterous or batty. But today, I'm in between. Not in the extreme sense I'm used to, where I'm either depressed like crazy and happy like crazy and mad like crazy. None of me is crazy right now. And oddly enough that terrifies me.

I'm not happy, but I'm not sad. I'm not even feeling nothing. I'm ******* normal. I'm fine with where I am but at the same time I'm progressing forward, happily. Is this what it feel like to not be an alien?

My dad told me joking stories about how I was an alien dropped on the front yard when I was really young, but oddly enough he wasn't far off. I spent most of my childhood feeling incomplete, incomprehensible, like a human face hiding some sort of monster behind. I had a distinct instinct that the way I had to live through childhood was to hide, to keep secrets, to create parapets of stone around me to keep the people out, and to more importantly keep me in.

I grew up and hiding grew harder as the monster grew bigger, and I couldn't renovate fast enough for it. It eventually broke out of its stone home, and I was exposed. The alien girl was visible for all to see. It created chaos and it took a long time before I could feel human. I grew friends and a sewn together personality and threw my feelings into my writing, my work.

But today, something new happened. It was unlike any mood I had ever felt. I wasn't me anymore. Or, at least the me I had grown to know. I was exhausted but awake, and productive but not nearly as enthusiastic, and okay with who I was but willing to work towards something 'better'. I always considered better as something very subjective, but somehow today normal things seemed more... normal. Having a schedule, changing myself for the better even if I'm happy, setting random short term goals to make my life feel more... I don't know. Meaningful I guess? My life felt meaningful before but in this new body that feels so "normal" or "average", its like I'm working to be normal.

Its terrifyingly soothing. Its like the normal-ness lulls you into into thinking a normal life is ok. And not saying being normal is wrong. But I've lived a life being abnormal, being an outlier, an outsider, an oddity. This lullaby feels so wrong.

I always told I've learned to appreciate my condition because I don't think I could handle being normal, having less intense emotions, not understanding emotion so well. Its sounds stupid, it sounds like its glorifying mental conditions, but its not. I know the suicidal thoughts aren't good, and I know mania is danger. But I cannot help like feeling like I'm losing me.

I cannot even get myself to sob right now, or to even truly feel a suicidal thought. They won't stick. Not even for a minute. None of it. I;m ******* terrified but I can't feel I can't make myself feel who am I?

I can't be normal. I can't.

This is more maddening then the moods. Maybe I was hitting too close to home when I hypothesized a person from Wonderland would feel utterly insane in real life. Or worse, feel even crazier when sanity began creeping up on them.

I don't want to lose Wonderland. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. Who is residing in this body right now, whoever is containing my thoughts, it cannot be me.

I cannot let all of my insanity go.

Normal doesn't feel better, and **** all the people who think its the only way to go. Normal isn't an aspiration, its a cage, and I will not be imprisoned.

Al I can do is find a way back to Wonderland losing all control. I guess that's what I truly wanted. Not sanity, but control. Controlled chaos had always been a favorite of mine, after all. There is always a method to the madness, and I must find mine, because I certainly cannot live without it.

Who knew Grace would have to remember how to be crazy?

I refuse to be normal. I refuse to be in-between. I will always belong to Wonderland, to madness, and **** whoever says that's not a proper life.

Its the life for me, so frankly, I don't give a ****.

A faint glow of light
Casting long shadows in the corridor
Dust gathering,
In this house riddled with secrets
Lurching behind the curtains.
Time, stands still,
As these walls seem to breathe
With their eyes watching me.
In this endless solitude,
I've found my solace
In this madness,
I have begun to revel.
Intoxication finds me hospitable
Blankly staring at the photographs
Hung up high on the wall.
And I whisper into the growing darkness
An unsolvable equation to my insanity.
I have lost myself within these hallowed halls,
Built a temple around my being
With my inebriated dreams.
I fall deeper and deeper
Further away from all that is real.
Oh how comforting,
This swirling blackness,
Ushering me in to the unknown.