Life
is at times
an unwanted gift.
The sentiment is nice
but sometimes I think  
having the receipt would be nicer.
Maybe then it could be returned.
Maybe then enough money would be given back
for a new one.

My heart is racing violently,
Yet I stay seated silently.
Please not now, anxiety.
I need to remain calm.
I lightly touch my temples,
I can't keep myself from gasping.
I look towards the door,
My eyes begin to sting.
A tear drops past my cheek.
**** this, I need to leave.
"Don't say such things."
I swear.
These emotions have me snared.
As I stare at the door in tears,
I finally run through it,
Down the hall; and stairs.
They put me through this.
The reason I'm so anxious,
Is simply because of you idiots.

Alone, cold, and mislead
is what it feels like to be unwanted.

After a while the feelings are accepted,well actually any feeling.

Maybe this was planned maybe if I keep going I will see a light.

Through this darkness I will come.
Feelings of acceptance creep in, slowly, but they still come.

Laughter seems so far away, like it is foreign where I am.

Where is that I ask? Why does it even matter because I know what darkness feels like.

I know what being unwanted feels like.

Because no one can help me now. Now that I know what it feels like and what it means.

Now I know what it means to be

                                              Darkly Unwanted.

I dance in your whispers.
The moon is out of sight.
Normally I'm afraid of the dark,
But what about tonight?
The stars are gone,
And the darkness remains.
Normally, I'm afraid of the dark.
But what about tonight?
I am at peace with the dark,
The whispers in my ear.
I know I'll be okay.
What reason is to there to fear?
Because on this night,
I hear what the whispers say,
Listening to them now,
I know I'll be okay.

He watched as the tears flowed down my face
But I turned away to hide his disgrace
I took my heart and held it tight
held in the pain with all of my might
I took a breath
Sharp in
Cut out

As a felt his hand on my shoulder
But I was already filled with doubt
when I turned around to meet his gaze
Mine was hard, and soon his was hazed
I yanked away from his desperate grasp
But I think I already knew we were done and past

I heard his voice crack with sadness
"Please stay, I love you, I'll miss you, I need you"
Choking on sadness, but holding the rest down
I whispered back, with an emotionless sound
**"You may have forgotten what love meant, But my love is something where rules cannot be bent"

Perhaps if we are to meet again it will be in a different a life and a different body. Perhaps you'll look at me and smile, have a serious case of deja vu, and try again. A true example of second chances.

But at the end of the day, I don't want the one who will spin my head round, who will make my blood boil, whose kisses will feel like I'm on fire, whose touch will make the universe explode. No. I want the one who will be okay seeing me throw up after we've had a bit too much to drink; who will hold my hair and call me a loser the next morning, but will, nonetheless, leave two Tylenol on the nightstand. I want the one who won't mind taking care of me when I'm sick, who won't mind my coughing fits and my runny nose. I want the one who will be perfectly fine with running home in the rain after we've missed our bus; who will be content with wearing ugly sweaters in front of the telly, drinking hot chocolate and watching silly movies. I want the one who will cook for me and who won't mind my cooking. I want the one who will be perfectly comfortable with us walking around in our underwear and who will drink as much coffee as I do. I want the one who will lie in bed with our laptop while I'm reading a book and won't mind the silence. I want the one who will buy my parents silly Christmas gifts and someone whose mother I'll be friends with. I want the one who will laugh at my jokes when they're funny and will call me an idiot when they ****. I want the one who will beat me at computer games and who won't mind that I sing even though I **** at singing. I want the one who will open up to me and let me help them; who will listen to my worries but who will respect my personal space. I want the one who will call me silly nicknames and who will tell me they love me everyday. I want the one who will take pictures with me and will pin them on the fridge. All I crave is comfort and stability. Don't romanticise love: the only thing you'll ever need is a best friend who wants to sleep with you and spend the rest of your life with you.

Today I woke up and all I wanted with my entire being was for someone to be there next to me to tickle my back.

That's all just someone to tickle my back.

Most days I'm totally okay with being alone but it's moments like this when I crave the company of another.

To be able to call them in the morning and ask them to come over for the day.
                                                                    
And lay in bed all day watching Disney movies wrapped up in each other, exchanging light kisses and inside jokes.

Because there is nothing better than having your back tickled and nothing worse than there being no one to do it.