The water surrounds her
And takes away her breath
It consumes all she is
Free, at last

Teal and peach, mixing and mingling
The mess that she has created flows in and out
The left-over oxygen, escaping her lungs
Giving in, once more

And in her darkest hour
She decides to flee
Back to the depths of the sea
Sunlight, gracing her path

I'm afraid that I'm losing
To myself
In everything that I do.

I'm afraid
That I'm failing
When I try my best

I'm afraid
I'm overwhelmed
With no foreseeable escape

I'm afraid
I'm drowning
Which is my own fault

But most of all
I'm afraid
That I'm losing myself

With every new breath
I'm

Gone.

I lie to you.

You, of course, lie back.

And then the lie spreads to
An uncomfortable degree

But no one decided
To stop the lie
Because we all wish it to be true.

And so everyone now believes the lie
To be truth
All thanks to me.

And I lie to you.

In the dark
We lit the sparks
And smiled in our happiness

The fireworks were bright
We had nothing to fright
And we danced around our lights

Then the man came
You have no one to blame
And this started your shame

You pour the liquor down
I sit there with a frown
And now all I want is to get out town

My love for you had no bounds

Good.
I feel good.
I feel comfortable in the skin
that I was given

I feel happy
to be alive
here
with the people who care

With the people, I would do
just about everything for
The ones who give me
the confidence I desperately need

My past is floating away
The pain, lifting from my shoulders
and finally, FINALLY
I am here

In the present
No longer dwelling
I understand that the past
is not changeable

But the future is
I can change this road
I paved for myself a many ago
I can change

Because I am good.
Not perfect
But not a demon
I am simply

Human.

My pencil drags
leaving marks on the page
I don't pick it up, in fear of

Lossing my thoughts
my mind
my eyes

But I put it down, and pick up my pen
dragging that too
across the page
smearing ink
afraid of making that one mistake

The one mistake that ruins the pice
the one that ruins the work
my heart

I then put that down too
and chose my colors
so many combinations can be made,

green blue black
red orange pink
silver white black
purple black gold

But it can only be three colors,
or else it looks too cluttered
to messy
too unfinished

I choose my colors, and then
they too get dragged across the page
Mixing occurs
blending,

and I worry about the mistakes again
Anxiety spikes in my mind
my heart is pumping
but my hands are steady

And I repeat my steps, over
and over
and over and over and over
until I get It just right

And finally, I step back
I look at the paper
I laugh, I smile
finally, no mistakes

It's beautiful, but not enough so
so I try again
in an endless loop
of pencils, pens, and color

I have decided that I am a no one
that I need no voice
no name
no face

Because I am now a no one
I don't need to look ok
I don't need to talk to anyone
That I don't need friends

And now that I am a no one
I can run away
I can sob in a corner
I can do what I want

Now I am a no one
so I can be selfish
and starved
and damaged

I am a no one
so I am alone
invisible
almost ugly

So, I have decided I am a no one

I stare at the page
dreading the graphite
hating the outline
the color
the face

Hating everything I do
I can't stop it
I can't like it
it's stupid

You say I'll make it big
that I'll be famous one day
that I'll get the equipment

But I despise it
my art is so dull
so unbearably bland
who would want this art
the art on my blank page?

You say I'm fine
just the way I am
just the way I smile and talk and laugh
lights up your day

but I think you're a liar
you hate me
you hate being around me
you hate everything I do

And you say I need food
Ha!
'Eat' I don't need to eat
I don't need food
I don't deserve food

I stare at the page
with a smile on my face
tears glinting in my eyes
hating that you still
believe
in me.

I draw
I draw a face
Is it yours?
No, not exactly

Because I draw from memory
And my memories are weak
I'm sorry
I have no pictures of your smiling face

I draw
I draw a bird
No, not a crow
A raven
Very different birds.

I don't draw it dark enough
I'm too scared
If it's too dark,  there's no going back
Don't touch the 9b

I draw
I draw a storm
Not my storm, no
Just a storm

Wreaking through the houses
The walls
The roof
Just to get to you
And I let it

I draw
I draw a mountain
That I will not climb
I refuse, it's too big

A mountain of my fears is always too big
I don't wish to try
To climb
The things I cannot control

I draw
I draw tears
Tears that were mine
But no longer Belong to me

The tears for you that I shed
The tears I wish I did not have
The tears rolling in the back of my head
The tears wishing you never bleed

I draw

Stress
Its piling up on me
I can't breath
Can't you see?

The air is escaping my lungs
This is not any fun
Why did I try this stupid thing?!

Because of you
You went, so I had to go to
How stupid of me
Thinking I could do this to

And I hate myself
I really do
I'm so sorry
Saying this to you

My heart is empty
While my brain is full
And I don't know what to do anymore

I can't take the stress
And I refuse to say I am depressed
Let me wallow in self-pity
As the stress becomes a part of me.

Why don’t you paint me
Like I am?
Paint me staring out a window, wishing to be free
Where light shines through as happy things

Paint me thinking about life
Thinking about death
Paint me with all the things I suppress

Paint me in a place to keep me warm
Paint me in a beautiful storm

Paint me somewhere safe
Somewhere where I’m not a disgrace
With no more masks on my face

Paint me without my fears
Without any more tears
Paint me without my insecurity’s
Paint me so my scars won’t show.

Paint me with ink on my hands
And fire in my eyes
And tell me, what would you see?

Paint me with passion
Paint me with ease
But most of all paint me as ME.