(read forward, then backward, line by line)

I ran.
Not knowing what else to do
There was so much blood on my hands
It was mine
The kitchen knife
Caught in my chest
Guilt
Consumed by
Fear
I was heightened by
Adrenaline
But running on
Wasn’t enough
While trying to stay calm,
Losing control
It was me that would end up
Dead. Because
He was
In front of me
The whole time
It was too late
Trapped
I found myself
Locked in chains
My fate was
Death.

I find myself doing the things you used to do.
The way you'd bite your lip when you were thinking.
The way you'd put your hands together
During a scary movie.

I find myself mimicking the little things
That I loved about you.
And it breaks my heart to feel this;
That I can't get you out of my head.

Your actions, your smile, your voice:
They're imprinted in my brain.
You became a part of me
And I think that's what made it hurt so much
When you left and took that part of me
With you, away from me.

Everybody tells me
"Just get over it"
"Move on"
"It was just a stupid summer crush"

But you were everything to me
And I don't think I'll ever be able to feel that again.
I steeled my heart and closed off my mind.

I'll never let anyone in like that again.
Never.

But sometimes... I want to

it's embarrassing but it's true.
i just googled "how to fall in love".
and i googled "how to fall in love" because i am not in love right now and i really, really want to be.
my google searchings were inconclusive and i am just as unsatisfied
mind, body, and spirit
as i was when i started typing "h" into the search bar
there is nothing in my heart right now.
my mother knocked and no one was home.
it makes me anxious:
how did i go from someone so overwhelmed by the enormity and ever-presence of her emotions
to someone so void of them that i feel an echo in my chest when someone says my name?
i've also googled sociopathy,
but apparently i'm not one of those.
so here i am, somewhere on a sliding scale
between all or nothing.
and i report from the field that it is not, in fact, all or nothing.
i know i'm not alone out here,
but it sure does feel like it,
when i reach out and even shadows don't reach back.
it's not like i've already accepted dying alone but it's not looking likely that i'll be marrying my college sweetheart, either.
i just want my feelings back.
is there a link to that in the first page of google results?
i'll even pay for shipping, i guess.

When its over, Im going to scream out of happiness until I lose my voice
When its over, I will leave my room
When its over, I will read that book I bought months ago
When its over, I never want it to come back
When its over, I will brush my hair
When its over, I will finally open my windows
When its over, I will make plans and keep them
When it's over, I'll let people meet the real me
When its over, I can do what I want because I'm no longer in control

When depression is over, I will be free.

If I tell you I love you,
Does that mean I get to keep you?
Or does it mean you are now the owner
Of a sharp piece of information
You may decide to stab me with later?
If you are
Ever so inclined
To tell me you love me back,
Does that mean you’re always going to feel that way,
Or is it conditional on the present moment
And you could possibly change your mind
Six months down the road
And return my heart - battered?
Furthermore,
What does love even mean?
Because when I say I love you,
I mean that I want to be with you until the day I die
And every day thereafter. (Not to be dramatic).
When I say I love you,
I mean that I will be a solid, yet cozy, foundation for you.
I mean that I want to cuddle and drink pero with you every night.
I mean that I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up next to you in the morning
Even though your hair may be parted down the middle.
I mean that every second, my mind is housing the thought of you
The thought, just an empty copy that my mind supplies in your absence.
I want the real you.
When I say I love you,
I mean that I like you. A lot. Always.
I mean that I will watch the World Series with you and your brother every year
(even though I've never before cared about the Red Sox)
I mean that I hope you’re having a great day
But I also mean that I miss you and that I hope you’re missing me as much as I'm missing you.
When I say I love you,
I mean the very thought of loving you makes me wish I never met you at all,
Because a world in which your eyes don’t smile at me is not a world,
But a nightmare
That sends my heart racing
Eyes crying
Heart bleeding
Soul dying. So
When I tell you I love you
Please.
Tell me you love me too.

Oh Donald Trump may be an angry, narcissistic fool;
A racist, a misogynist and all-round half-baked tool.
Upon his nation and the world, he represents a curse,
but all of that's okay, you see, for Hillary was worse!

Oh Hillary, she had mad cow and syphilis and rabies.
She drank the blood of virgins and she lived to dine on babies,
and from her eyes shot laser beams while on a broom she flew.
In every way she's crooked, for The Donald says it's true!

She once was witnessed soaking in a lava-filled hot tub,
where she was playing footsie with her pal, Beelzebub!
To the Gulf and Caribbean she released the hurricane.
She brings the earthquake, fire, plague, and drought and flooding rain!

Although she now is history, with influence no more,
we must all hate her while The Donald's failings we ignore.
So while Trump spews his hate and puts all progress in reverse,
we must embrace his evil ways... For Hillary was worse!