should i be doing this
speaking to the unknown
its kinda thrilling
twinkling with nostalgia
but when im brought back down
the guilt crushes me senseless

what the **** is this
what am i doing

inner conflict

i listen to it on repeat
the only thing that gets me
it made me cry
hearing it through the lights
cant help but to be reminded
being numb, alone and blinded

they dont notice the bodies piling up
around us like its modern art
stripped of dignity, left in the gutter
another thing she'll add to her letter

its up to her to fix herself
whilst you keep her on your shelf
the confidence is sickening
to those who are listening

whilst she is slumped on her bed
hearing the world move on
she listens to it on repeat
she is claimed by the song

baked salmon and rosemary potatoes
i couldn’t believe that even you
could be reminded of warm sentiments like this

even more so i couldn’t believe
that i am something
to remember

the winding stairs
leading to the place
where all is unravelled

the furniture conceals vulnerability
but you‘re watching
the trauma gently oozes out
of the exhausted host

friday night was for an hour of chatter
driving home rehearsing what was said
sometimes wondering about the life you keep so close
other times completely lost in my story

now i bathe in the unknown
wondering if the future holds the sensation
of baked salmon and rosemary potatoes
accompanying my potential exploration

i love that
in a matter of seconds
my hairs can stand on end
my skin is represented by goose bumps
my eyes and face
soaked in tears

the little things like this
the thing which deems me as pathetic
in the eyes of society

but i love that about me
i love that i can feel so much
my heart can give out so much love
even if it’s not real

you may laugh
or be unaffected
but my speciality is empathy
and i will let myself cry

emptiness is so familiar
it can feel like our home
sometimes you are so wrapped up in it
you forget to open the door

look at what you’ve done
an angel in the eyes of the source
the ones who battered you, crushed you
manipulated your mind, twisted your sanity

take the leap, dear one
don’t look back at what they’ve done
rip the sugar-coated invitation to hell
take your time, no time to dwell

believe what your soul is telling you
not everyone is a liar
listen to within
and elevate higher

it's like being left out in the cold
over and over again

does honesty even exist
or am i a magnet for lies

everyone i meet
vomits deception

its sickening
but loneliness is scary

this weather we're having
mirrors my inner emotions

i know something is hidden
and it hurts

she’s torn apart
been ripped to shreds
then carefully placed back together
distant and alone in her head

but we all have something
lets not be afraid
to challenge them
to accept every memory made

she’ll check in with herself
dare to reach out
a problem shared is one halved
emotionally she is no longer starved

don’t deny yourself the journey
to accept, understand and heal

she carefully took the steps
held the hand of support
not knowing what is next

but seeks growth in everything she feels
soaking in independence
and uses love to heal

you say how are you
i say lonely
you say really
i say lonely
you do nothing

why did you ask
why pretend

i said lonely

waiting for the storm to hit
feels like burning yourself
you don’t notice the pain
until there’s contact

you just have to wait it out
and trust the process

take me to the time
when i open my eyes
and i'm not encompassed by dread

fear doesn't follow my every step
and we aren't always thinking 'what if'

what does it take
to just live in the moment

the answer is always time
to heal your mind
to hug your inner child
with yourself, to always be kind

i get lost and forget my identity
so can we just pause
and stop chasing that false serenity

silently living a life
feeling the dull heart ache
you stick in the sharp knife

your eyes have rolled back
replaced by a cloud of fog
and my hurt sits in your backlog

you don’t notice each word
you never realise
you make me feel unheard
lifeless soul healing through my cries

i’ll be gone
but you won’t see
because I was never number one
not important, just a nobody

it’s just not fair
feed her your leftover energy
then fuel her with your lifeless stare

and now we behold
this constructed spirit
purposely provided to fit your mould

a hollow container, she’s not alone
but she is conditioned so deeply
to lock up the unknown

who is she?
for now she is a deer

only very few can see
that she is combatting her fear

its one way glass
my eyes are one way glass
the window to my soul

i can see out
but you can’t see in

overflowing and flooding the room
following the glimpse of strength
overcome by the shadow of gloom

trying to understand
is like trying to build a sandcastle
with no sand

dipping in and out of sleep
screaming to be free
until the screams are weakened within me

the death of a loved one
feels like using a single plaster
to heal a thousand stab wounds
& being expected to carry on as normal

inside of us
are tiny little buckets
filling up
and watches you grow up

then the slightest thing
makes it spill over
and every crevice of your being
is encompassed by pain

fleeing through the tear ducts
you are temporarily healed

can we live
at the bottom of the toothpaste tube
the part where no one can get you
and no one bothers to use you

i want to roll you up
like a cigarette
and inhale you into my lungs
so you can live there

and when i smoke you
i can still smell you
on my clothes
and in my hair

i felt like i was stuck
in a recurring nightmare
but you feel some kind of glory
and it punishes me through your stare

what is it you receive
some kind of buzz?
because for me,
i don't want to breathe

the pain slowly wraps around
waiting for my grief to slow
it feasts upon my breakdown
and pierces through the flow

my eyes are still puffy from last night
the pain still trickles through my soul
somehow i have won this fight
and gaining some control

yes, you damaged me badly
i think you know it's true
so i'll showcase my growth gladly
and you'll stay stuck, just like glue

you, me, everyone
getting under my skin
can't even keep it in
so i won't

your voice grates on me
like everyone's pet peeve
nails on the chalkboard
& now i've unlocked rage which has been stored

i'll be slumped in the hard wooden chair
clicking and slapping the keyboard
kissing goodbye to my ability to care
and waiting for you all to change the **** record

we are all either survivors
or truly living
too scared to go

the rest found it too painful
to stick around
and felt no fear in giving up

and leaving

right under her nose
but she didn't know
it didn't want to impose
kept to the pattern and flow

no longer spiralling
but stuck
like gum on your shoe
like some bad luck

if you squint your eyes
and hold your breath
you will detect an end
but nothing like a death

memories are merely in our mind
sometimes you get triggered
and you are now blind
feeling disfigured

unlearning old habits is a fight
such a familiar face
the old you, a comfortable place
a room with no daylight

but the wheels keep turning
and the world keeps spinning
she is still learning
somehow it's just the beginning

I have ten minutes to write this poem
I spare myself ten minutes
Every morning before I leave
Ten minutes to try and just breathe

Ten minutes act like they’re in a race
The one hundred metre sprint
They’re winning, it’s clear to me
They want to escape my life, as fast as they can be

With five minutes to go I look around for inspiration
The cold cup of tea on the table
Winks at me for validation
I remember and drink it til it’s empty

Four minutes to go
Til I become the cup of tea
Desperately urging to evaporate
Silently waiting til one of them drinks me

Lucky me I have two minutes to spare
I’ll finish this poem
I’ll grab my keys, put on my shoes
Arrive at my destination and pretend to care

who put the brakes on
who paused the healing process
paused it to make a quick cuppa
cuppa was never made

shoved in the back of my mind
it’s all piling in
crammed in every crevice
out of my eyes, it spills

that’s an improvement i guess
although i just see it as a loss
control spilling out
whatever is left, i don’t want

how long til my only desire changes
to become tiny and hide away
it’s getting old now
but it’s the only thought that stays

if you find comfort in your bed
then by all means, lay in it

but keep an eye on the thoughts in your head
try not to dwell, try not to form a habit

it just may break you

my light on every gloomy day
balanced in your own unique way

eyes locking
unlocking the peace
peace from your presence
emerging beneath the sheets

if i was fire
you would be water

you probably don’t know
but when my body is encompassed with fear and pain
you turn the pain to snow
and evaporate it with the rain

when you’re around
everything becomes so easy and fun
so i’ll wrap up warm with your glowing aura
my sweet, caring little bun

baffling how hard it can be
when you’re momentarily free
to document something so deep
about what you may feel

you think too much
please slow down
crazy starts to resonate
til you wear crazy like a crown

when will you realise
you’re wasting it
years will creep past
so shut the door to the demons who visit

warm sunshine presence whispering
forget, be free & have fun

oh wipe that smirk off your face
it’s easier said than done

to try will always be enough
as long as your efforts are true
things might feel a little less tough
lost, lonely girl of only twenty-two

i don’t feel like her
the one trapped beneath the grid
they keep loving
the same old ****

delicate line
from top to bottom
firmly posed

these identifiers of allure
is a pain I can no longer endure

touchy subject
wish I didn’t have to write about it
it’s eating through our souls
til we take on the shape of her
that’s the only goal

pathetic

empty as an unlit bulb
with no lamp shade
lonely in the centre of the room
overlooked

good days
bitter sweet
but you know
it’s merely a treat

head in a bad place
buried in the sand
deflated balloon
tasted so bland

gaze into the distance
stare at the stillness
glance at your feet
just take a seat

try good thoughts
on the bad days
breathe just a little bit deeper
collapse and feel the rays

stare at the sky
and just try
try to connect

why do we stare at the clouds
imagining our dead relatives can see us
who fed us that lie
is that why I always stare at the sky

don’t read your book of mindfulness
lift the quilt
tuck every hair
can’t see me?
like you care

you never see it in her eyes
the discomforting shadow
who rests beneath the disguise

prop her up with bamboo
like a limp old flower
so she seems shiny and new

babbling to those who don’t care
and to those who do,
she will not share

reliving in flashes
disturbed by each sting
her heart has turned to ashes
unable to forget anything

as she clutches the wooden bench
she doesn’t feel the splinter
but it doesn’t quite compare
to the pain she felt that winter

Exhaustion seeps out of my sockets
Backed into a corner
Pinned to the wall by pain
Sorrow clouds the room as it starts to rain

Take me to the roof top
Stay here just for comfort
Delay the desertion  
If you need me
I’ll be sleeping

Cross the road
Hand in hand
Fingernails digging in
Suffering locked to my skin

I’ll be the messenger
Tell every single part of me
Your agenda today is
To bury yourself and bleed

didn’t you know?
it’s a one way ticket
purchased my own gloom
finding myself feeling entirely doomed

they spread on the bed
some call it the starfish
to me I see the starfish as a symbol
a symbol of utter freedom

I can taste the envy on my tongue
gulping it down before it seeps through the sides of my mouth
before the words pierce holes in bonds

they are so free
free from evil thoughts
free from worry

who is that
how do you feel
what if
what if

switching off
is not on
the cards
for me

i watch the raindrops
fill up the puddles
puddles where the birds bathe
to them, the world is still turning
turning, with no intention to stop

caged like a bug under a rock
feeling like we’re living by a broken clock
in these quiet times I think of you
writing little rhymes, like you used to do

your spirit lives in the whistle of the birds
your memory clings onto the petal of a flower
remembering you as i am greeted by the april shower

we paint our faces
stick scars to our skin
laughter dances around the room
nerves make an appearance from within

smoke machine switches on
smoke creeps around our ankles
music deafening us
lights blinding my friends

no sight
no hearing
no awareness
of the twists and turns this night takes

she’s bleeding tonight
it’s noticed but is unimportant
she resembles a statue
enduring the raid of her body

in her peripheral is the door
fleeing to an exit is not a choice
observing the intrusion  
aching for conclusion

surveyed until she is out of sight
silenced until alone
but at this point
she has turned to stone

words are tucked inside
safe from vulnerability
all she can release
are cries
cries which start to cease

and with arms wrapped around her
she will never be the same
only a shell of a person
trying not to accept the blame

what enchants me the most
is how you make me feel at home
even if home isn't in sight

what astounds me more
is how you make me feel safe
even if danger is lurking round the corner

but

what mesmerises me just a little bit more
is how when you are by my side
everything is complete
and we
are magnetised

losing track of something so simple
evaporating through my fingers
and hiding beneath the blades of grass
i call for it, but it only lingers

being chased by the unknown
it has just smashed a glass
purposefully rupturing all that is divine
pieces shatter everywhere, at last

veins ache for release
pulling at the heart
tugging at the long string of fear
sickened by the lack of escape,
so unclear

can you help sew my skin together
stitch it back to normality
glue on a new pair of eyes
because my old ones are lost amongst my cries

take in the substance
fear diluted with worry
inhale, swallow or inject
listen to the footsteps dancing in your mind
dancing to the familiar beat of angst
pumping around your veins
instigating a sudden panic

racing thoughts
winning the battle
against your attempt of control

laughing at your sorrowful expression  
they’ve won
you say over and over
they’ve won

steps feel like leaps
walking feels like sprinting
your world develops a dark demeanour
laughter becomes extinct
and grief defeats another dreamer

c utting
o pen wounds
n umbing
q uickly
u ltimately
e nding the
r espiratory system
e levating the chances of
d eath

nifty little brain
bringing a world of pain
world so complete
but pierces me with defeat
pierces through my heart
intentionally sharp
wearing a mask so sheer
so i only feel fear

developing a cycle
bravery is just an option
dangling off the cliff
cliff of gloom
if i fall
my future is doomed
future no more
so i hold bravery at my core

i only have the strength to cling on
that’s enough
for now,
for me,
until i’m gone

spiralling out of sight
allowing the touch of fear
fear curling up in the corner
loving, hating, smiles & tears

losing the feeling of loss
doesn’t stay gone for long
back to the station
where I am dragged to the floor

smothered & pushed down
by a faceless source of energy
effortlessly mournful and grey
smelling like severe sadness

so much to smile about
but not finding the strength to smile
longing for that excited tickle of glee
maybe that’s over, maybe it’s this, maybe...
but just for a while

love will scar your makeup

falling in the vortex of your eyes
we are enclosed
alone in the warmth of us
wrapped up in a bow,

a surprise

delving into the comfort of you
momentarily hypnotised at every glance
fallen into place
all from a stolen dance

getting the sensation of butterflies
indigo brushes past me
whilst lilac kisses my cheek

bringing even more life to my soul
i hope you feel as enchanted as I do
because I’ve started to feel whole
all because of that one stolen dance