it's all a mystery
next steps new goals
the past is history

can we savour the way the bed feels like one big embrace
can we relish the sensation of air in our lungs
can we try adore the imperfections without disgrace

today is here
yesterday is dead
tomorrow is yet to come

never mind whats on the agenda
ignore the impending fear of death
attempt to appreciate every second
learn to appreciate every breath

balancing the feelings
feelings which sit in my bones
crack your knuckles on my ribs
gutting me when I feel most alone

chapped lips
chapped lips pursed on the blank expression
tingling & lingering
watching the fire ignite in seconds

brush past me, accidentally creeping into my life
lifeless body triggered
what is it about you?
cheeky grin but no sin
reassuring eyes, secrets but no lies

symbolic human interaction
demons becoming a distraction
distraction leading to dissatisfaction
time to make my final transaction

tender, sweet & warm
bearing the sunshine after the storm

I’ll be your Christmas gift
wrap me up, but don’t suffocate
leave the mouth, I’ll communicate
remember to deliver that first and last kiss

beating heart, pumping blood through a body
a body so lost
a body with no soul
a body so cold

in existential depression
simply calling for a response
existing in a pool of love
remaining comfortably numb

on a journey out of the fog
loving & living
formulating a path to triumph

she is fierce & fabulous
a dynamic woman
natural, strong & feminine

this road is going to be…
this road is,
incredibly spectacular

i watch the raindrops
fill up the puddles
puddles where the birds bathe
to them, the world is still turning
turning, with no intention to stop

caged like a bug under a rock
feeling like we’re living by a broken clock
in these quiet times I think of you
writing little rhymes, like you used to do

your spirit lives in the whistle of the birds
your memory clings onto the petal of a flower
remembering you as i am greeted by the april shower

if you find comfort in your bed
then by all means, lay in it

but keep an eye on the thoughts in your head
try not to dwell, try not to form a habit

it just may break you

smiling but my skull is screaming
nodding but my soul is sobbing
free but my voice is captured
open but my eyes are glued

love you but you love to hurt me
hate you but you feed my loneliness
need to speak but petrified of nothing
lost for words but won’t shut up

financially stable but life is poor
walking alone but surrounded by demons
listening to you but deafened by pain
wonderfully happy but tremendously miserable

who put the brakes on
who paused the healing process
paused it to make a quick cuppa
cuppa was never made

shoved in the back of my mind
it’s all piling in
crammed in every crevice
out of my eyes, it spills

that’s an improvement i guess
although i just see it as a loss
control spilling out
whatever is left, i don’t want

how long til my only desire changes
to become tiny and hide away
it’s getting old now
but it’s the only thought that stays

escaping the stifled claws of society
she gulps the tangled energy
vibrantly gleaming
but not quite beaming
she rewinds back
back to a crisp January morning
when the walls didn’t scream
and life was a dream

she’s torn apart
been ripped to shreds
then carefully placed back together
distant and alone in her head

but we all have something
lets not be afraid
to challenge them
to accept every memory made

she’ll check in with herself
dare to reach out
a problem shared is one halved
emotionally she is no longer starved

don’t deny yourself the journey
to accept, understand and heal

she carefully took the steps
held the hand of support
not knowing what is next

but seeks growth in everything she feels
soaking in independence
and uses love to heal

you never see it in her eyes
the discomforting shadow
who rests beneath the disguise

prop her up with bamboo
like a limp old flower
so she seems shiny and new

babbling to those who don’t care
and to those who do,
she will not share

reliving in flashes
disturbed by each sting
her heart has turned to ashes
unable to forget anything

as she clutches the wooden bench
she doesn’t feel the splinter
but it doesn’t quite compare
to the pain she felt that winter

inside of us
are tiny little buckets
filling up
and watches you grow up

then the slightest thing
makes it spill over
and every crevice of your being
is encompassed by pain

fleeing through the tear ducts
you are temporarily healed

I’ve purchased a secret
Purchased and now possess
Lingering on your lips
Longing to leap onto mine

Softly break the silence
With a stupid little melody
Ignoring the pain around us
The distress, unease & austerity

Force open the wound
Allow the anguish to seep out
Leaking onto your new shoes
Staining them with suffering

Visit the vanquish
Tie the lace around their neck
Oh, just let them rot
Shortly after, I’ll go cash my cheque

c utting
o pen wounds
n umbing
q uickly
u ltimately
e nding the
r espiratory system
e levating the chances of
d eath

didn’t you know?
it’s a one way ticket
purchased my own gloom
finding myself feeling entirely doomed

they spread on the bed
some call it the starfish
to me I see the starfish as a symbol
a symbol of utter freedom

I can taste the envy on my tongue
gulping it down before it seeps through the sides of my mouth
before the words pierce holes in bonds

they are so free
free from evil thoughts
free from worry

who is that
how do you feel
what if
what if

switching off
is not on
the cards
for me

i love that
in a matter of seconds
my hairs can stand on end
my skin is represented by goose bumps
my eyes and face
soaked in tears

the little things like this
the thing which deems me as pathetic
in the eyes of society

but i love that about me
i love that i can feel so much
my heart can give out so much love
even if it’s not real

you may laugh
or be unaffected
but my speciality is empathy
and i will let myself cry

it just wasn’t meant to be
keep on saying that to me
you’re right, we both know
I’ll try harder to go with the flow

you’re so chilled, life is a breeze
would you cope if your mind was diseased?
death is upon us my dear friend
soon we’ll be rotting, let’s not pretend

oh, but what if you’re already rotting?
well then maybe we are the same
i too, am dead inside
my corpse tiptoes around in shame

validation is all we seek
then you’ll wonder how life became so bleak
calm down, soon you will decease
unless you give that trapped emotion some release

Exhaustion seeps out of my sockets
Backed into a corner
Pinned to the wall by pain
Sorrow clouds the room as it starts to rain

Take me to the roof top
Stay here just for comfort
Delay the desertion  
If you need me
I’ll be sleeping

Cross the road
Hand in hand
Fingernails digging in
Suffering locked to my skin

I’ll be the messenger
Tell every single part of me
Your agenda today is
To bury yourself and bleed

Dear every scary aspect of Earth
Dear the slug seeping through the sockets
Dear the rotting skull buried at my feet
Dear all the unstoppable intrusive thoughts
Dear the constant shift in emotion
Dear the next death
Dear the next unwanted touch
Dear the venom swimming through the veins
Dear the daisies which lay on top of the venomous veins
Dear what i might do next
and finally,

Dear the jump scares
you made me realise that the most frightening thing is,

I got my drivers license
So I can drive myself crazy
So you don’t have to

loss of breath
out of my depth
sinking into the pain
lungs filled with shame

weighted feet
dragging me down
lower and lower
about to drown

except…

i’m not in the ocean

where am i?

empty as an unlit bulb
with no lamp shade
lonely in the centre of the room
overlooked

what enchants me the most
is how you make me feel at home
even if home isn't in sight

what astounds me more
is how you make me feel safe
even if danger is lurking round the corner

but

what mesmerises me just a little bit more
is how when you are by my side
everything is complete
and we
are magnetised

emptiness is so familiar
it can feel like our home
sometimes you are so wrapped up in it
you forget to open the door

you, me, everyone
getting under my skin
can't even keep it in
so i won't

your voice grates on me
like everyone's pet peeve
nails on the chalkboard
& now i've unlocked rage which has been stored

i'll be slumped in the hard wooden chair
clicking and slapping the keyboard
kissing goodbye to my ability to care
and waiting for you all to change the **** record

tell me to leave
spy on my shattered heart
wrap ropes around my throat
watch this world fall apart

its scary when your body is made of glass
people see all of you, notice every weakness
vulnerability is my identity
and relief is not an option

shards of glass penetrating my skin
butter knife lodge into my back
daggers trapped between my head & heart
bullets fired into my third eye

this sinking feeling reminds me its real
I thought it was gone
but i was wrong
I accept that disappointment is all I’ll feel

take in the substance
fear diluted with worry
inhale, swallow or inject
listen to the footsteps dancing in your mind
dancing to the familiar beat of angst
pumping around your veins
instigating a sudden panic

racing thoughts
winning the battle
against your attempt of control

laughing at your sorrowful expression  
they’ve won
you say over and over
they’ve won

steps feel like leaps
walking feels like sprinting
your world develops a dark demeanour
laughter becomes extinct
and grief defeats another dreamer

feed me through a tube
tube linked to my mind
feed me til my head is full
full enough to make me blind

dish up those greasy lies
the cold goodbyes
force-feed me some facts
facts delivered alongside another story

wait until all i feel is guilt
and when it starts to disintegrate
send me a little text
reminding me to slump back into that state

you’re not doing anything
you should be doing everything
i’m appalled, disappointed, you’ve caused so much gloom

oh, actually
now i love you,
give me attention
now get out of your room

i’ll twist your mind
tamper with your thoughts
then i’ll play the victim
so i’ll never get caught

why are you so down my dear?
did someone hurt you?
or cause you fear?

yes, someone is ******* with my emotions
you want to know who?
well i don’t mean to cause you guilt…
but, it was you.

look at what you’ve done
an angel in the eyes of the source
the ones who battered you, crushed you
manipulated your mind, twisted your sanity

take the leap, dear one
don’t look back at what they’ve done
rip the sugar-coated invitation to hell
take your time, no time to dwell

believe what your soul is telling you
not everyone is a liar
listen to within
and elevate higher

happy birthday to the soul in another realm
your disappearance has left my world shattered
watched your life slowly leave us
watched you become weak, feeble and haggard

the lights dimmed when you left
the music dulled when you left
a finished puzzle has lost a piece
leaving an irreplaceable hole, disturbing all peace

i’ve never felt a loss like this one
and i’m scared to feel it again
it took twenty-four months
to finally get used to pain

hair white as snow, smelling like a single rose
eyes like a welcoming warm hug, wrapped around every inch of your being
cheek so soft and easily kissed
you were right, it was the last kiss

the love inside of you blossomed & radiated
your energy was longed for & preserved
i can’t quite put to words how beautiful you were
your soul silences me, i am eternally grateful

i’ll never meet another like you
and that’s fine
there’s only one of you, grandad
i’m so proud to say you were mine

i felt like i was stuck
in a recurring nightmare
but you feel some kind of glory
and it punishes me through your stare

what is it you receive
some kind of buzz?
because for me,
i don't want to breathe

the pain slowly wraps around
waiting for my grief to slow
it feasts upon my breakdown
and pierces through the flow

my eyes are still puffy from last night
the pain still trickles through my soul
somehow i have won this fight
and gaining some control

yes, you damaged me badly
i think you know it's true
so i'll showcase my growth gladly
and you'll stay stuck, just like glue

i don’t feel like her
the one trapped beneath the grid
they keep loving
the same old ****

delicate line
from top to bottom
firmly posed

these identifiers of allure
is a pain I can no longer endure

touchy subject
wish I didn’t have to write about it
it’s eating through our souls
til we take on the shape of her
that’s the only goal

pathetic

we are all either survivors
or truly living
too scared to go

the rest found it too painful
to stick around
and felt no fear in giving up

and leaving

i want to roll you up
like a cigarette
and inhale you into my lungs
so you can live there

and when i smoke you
i can still smell you
on my clothes
and in my hair

should i be doing this
speaking to the unknown
its kinda thrilling
twinkling with nostalgia
but when im brought back down
the guilt crushes me senseless

what the **** is this
what am i doing

inner conflict

silently living a life
feeling the dull heart ache
you stick in the sharp knife

your eyes have rolled back
replaced by a cloud of fog
and my hurt sits in your backlog

you don’t notice each word
you never realise
you make me feel unheard
lifeless soul healing through my cries

i’ll be gone
but you won’t see
because I was never number one
not important, just a nobody

defeat pricking the dimpled surface
listening intently
manipulating, orchestrating & feeding the fears
butchering all sensations of opportunity
she curls up and loses identity
she kisses goodbye to serenity

she retreats and sits
ties her hair delicately
inhales harmony
exhales gratitude

with the pen to the paper
she hesitates for a while
so much she could say
almost too many thoughts to compile

longing to write about such significance
expecting it to flow so easily
and hoping to reflect on something so magnificent

she rests her head in her hands
ticking over in tranquility
comforted by the unaccustomed feeling of stability
it’s just the beginning, she said

she puts down the pen,
rips out the page,
she yells ‘carpé diem’
and begins to seize the day

right under her nose
but she didn't know
it didn't want to impose
kept to the pattern and flow

no longer spiralling
but stuck
like gum on your shoe
like some bad luck

if you squint your eyes
and hold your breath
you will detect an end
but nothing like a death

memories are merely in our mind
sometimes you get triggered
and you are now blind
feeling disfigured

unlearning old habits is a fight
such a familiar face
the old you, a comfortable place
a room with no daylight

but the wheels keep turning
and the world keeps spinning
she is still learning
somehow it's just the beginning

eating less and less
so we waste away
eaten less and less
i can see more bone today

why, you ask?

so you notice me
so you fall for the thin goddess
so i am a strong contender in the fight for your love

isn't it funny
waste away
become nearly invisible
only in an attempt to be noticeable

knock knock knock
oh come in
for a nibble
for a drink

there’s so much i have to tell you
do you remember me?
i saw your old car the other day
it will always belong to you

i couldn’t unglue my eyes from the number plate
almost as if i saw a ghost
it pained me to look away
almost worth crashing for

let’s have a cup of cocoa
and a piece of dark chocolate
and finally catch up

you can’t hear me
can you?
here, let me hold your hand
maybe you will understand

oh, just like that
you’ve disappeared into ash
i don’t think you were real
just a fond yet painful
memory

it's like being left out in the cold
over and over again

does honesty even exist
or am i a magnet for lies

everyone i meet
vomits deception

its sickening
but loneliness is scary

this weather we're having
mirrors my inner emotions

i know something is hidden
and it hurts

i listen to it on repeat
the only thing that gets me
it made me cry
hearing it through the lights
cant help but to be reminded
being numb, alone and blinded

they dont notice the bodies piling up
around us like its modern art
stripped of dignity, left in the gutter
another thing she'll add to her letter

its up to her to fix herself
whilst you keep her on your shelf
the confidence is sickening
to those who are listening

whilst she is slumped on her bed
hearing the world move on
she listens to it on repeat
she is claimed by the song

you say how are you
i say lonely
you say really
i say lonely
you do nothing

why did you ask
why pretend

i said lonely