my body is a matchbox
full to the brim of kindling
posing as a lit match
flames stuck to me, so attached

i wore the flame
but the flame also wore me
wore me down
until my body became a ghost town

i’d flicker and light up
whenever anyone needed me to
but then fall apart so quickly
in the fingertips of you

keep going for more
there are hundreds to use, my dear
but keep an eye on the matchbox
because when it is empty,
keep the ash as a souvenir

string us along
like a chain of polaroids
some faded
some so vibrant

knock knock knock
oh come in
for a nibble
for a drink

there’s so much i have to tell you
do you remember me?
i saw your old car the other day
it will always belong to you

i couldn’t unglue my eyes from the number plate
almost as if i saw a ghost
it pained me to look away
almost worth crashing for

let’s have a cup of cocoa
and a piece of dark chocolate
and finally catch up

you can’t hear me
can you?
here, let me hold your hand
maybe you will understand

oh, just like that
you’ve disappeared into ash
i don’t think you were real
just a fond yet painful
memory

I got my drivers license
So I can drive myself crazy
So you don’t have to

at last I think I’ve realised
swirled through the motions
like a spinning top
with no intention to stop

like the key meets the lock
I reach for a reading
if it’s bad I’ll simply block
if it’s good I’ll keep believing

transparency cradles the outline of a storm
we can clearly see each other
notice the heat itching to come closer
each crack of thunder
indicates another victim being born

keep it short and sweet
time is carefully limited
allow the rage and agony to finally meet
because now,
nothing is prohibited

I’ve purchased a secret
Purchased and now possess
Lingering on your lips
Longing to leap onto mine

Softly break the silence
With a stupid little melody
Ignoring the pain around us
The distress, unease & austerity

Force open the wound
Allow the anguish to seep out
Leaking onto your new shoes
Staining them with suffering

Visit the vanquish
Tie the lace around their neck
Oh, just let them rot
Shortly after, I’ll go cash my cheque

the safety net no one asked for
clasping at the sides
tightening the jaws of betrayal
ever so quietly strengthening itself
each bite of your innocence
enhances the clutch

dismembering your freedom
stacking loyalty on top of love
laughing internally
laughing at YOU

the cloned feeling of fear
waits for the green light
meticulously planning the next attack

wait til it’s dark
wait til you’re in the darkest of places
and in that moment,
mortality is imminent

she retreats and sits
ties her hair delicately
inhales harmony
exhales gratitude

with the pen to the paper
she hesitates for a while
so much she could say
almost too many thoughts to compile

longing to write about such significance
expecting it to flow so easily
and hoping to reflect on something so magnificent

she rests her head in her hands
ticking over in tranquility
comforted by the unaccustomed feeling of stability
it’s just the beginning, she said

she puts down the pen,
rips out the page,
she yells ‘carpé diem’
and begins to seize the day

spark up
the flame
in my guts

Where’s

My

Mind

defeat pricking the dimpled surface
listening intently
manipulating, orchestrating & feeding the fears
butchering all sensations of opportunity
she curls up and loses identity
she kisses goodbye to serenity

escaping the stifled claws of society
she gulps the tangled energy
vibrantly gleaming
but not quite beaming
she rewinds back
back to a crisp January morning
when the walls didn’t scream
and life was a dream

feed me through a tube
tube linked to my mind
feed me til my head is full
full enough to make me blind

dish up those greasy lies
the cold goodbyes
force-feed me some facts
facts delivered alongside another story

wait until all i feel is guilt
and when it starts to disintegrate
send me a little text
reminding me to slump back into that state

you’re not doing anything
you should be doing everything
i’m appalled, disappointed, you’ve caused so much gloom

oh, actually
now i love you,
give me attention
now get out of your room

i’ll twist your mind
tamper with your thoughts
then i’ll play the victim
so i’ll never get caught

why are you so down my dear?
did someone hurt you?
or cause you fear?

yes, someone is ******* with my emotions
you want to know who?
well i don’t mean to cause you guilt…
but, it was you.

beating heart, pumping blood through a body
a body so lost
a body with no soul
a body so cold

in existential depression
simply calling for a response
existing in a pool of love
remaining comfortably numb

on a journey out of the fog
loving & living
formulating a path to triumph

she is fierce & fabulous
a dynamic woman
natural, strong & feminine

this road is going to be…
this road is,
incredibly spectacular

eating less and less
so we waste away
eaten less and less
i can see more bone today

why, you ask?

so you notice me
so you fall for the thin goddess
so i am a strong contender in the fight for your love

isn't it funny
waste away
become nearly invisible
only in an attempt to be noticeable

your cuts heal quickly
but they are so frequent
on and off
on and off
like a persistent, infuriating tap

you’re out to hurt, it’s your guilty pleasure
you’re the predator, I’m your prey
my silence is your measure
my silence makes you stay

you possess the key, the ability to ****
I need, no,
I will take it back
and then when I bleed…

I bleed clarity

not pain

lots of lost souls
traumatised beings
polluted and infected
unstable and rejected

making the decision to remain comfortably numb
or deciding to seek change
they step into your office,
and finally step out of their pain

on the verge of breaking…
a warm, lilac, reassuring presence rests on their skeleton
natural, comfortable, strong and feminine
delicately unpicking their man-made wounds

and eventually assisting us to blossom, love and live
this wise woman is in motion
so much depth and guidance to give
your light is so bright, consisting of security and devotion

we’re all on our journeys out of the fog
knowing that it’s going to be spectacular
simplifying and remodelling our internal monologue
with your help, we will eventually regain our power

you value the whispers of each symptomatic soul
welcoming every single dynamic individual
some are so mild & timid
but some are so rock ‘n’ roll

thank you for taking the time
thank you for making me shine
i now know its ok to not ‘be fine’
i am so grateful for your ability to re-align

so thank you, for one last time

x

vivid sights of flashing lights
music dancing around my ears
innocent fumbled dancing
body let loose whilst we clutch our beers

your stare was cold and evil
auric field becomes crimson
plan is clear, you slowly get near
i am unaware, but suddenly i am so bare

forceful and firm
my friend is now an enemy
i am frozen and paralysed
no one can hear my internal cries

numbness spreads like a disease
my innocence shatters
each section slashing my heart
only slightly so i still remain
but enough to endure the pain

your hand slithers around my being
parts you know you can’t touch
you think you own me, all of me
silent on the outside, when i want to scream so much

why me?
you took the power to reveal all of me
it wasn’t yours to take, it never will be
but that night, i belonged to anyone and everyone

countless tears, panic & sleepless nights
aren’t you lucky i didn’t blab?
was all this worth it?
just for a few unwanted grabs

mind is vacant
bones are aching
the warm shivers, the dull tingling
it takes over me, it becomes me

mind spilling over
question after question
who knew the huge difference between loss & lost
loss is my soul, lost is my name

feeling numb but feeling so much
head in the clouds
body in the crowd
you can see me but you can’t touch

that doesn’t stop you though, does it?
sick of the same ****
you repeat yourself all the time
pain repeats itself all the time

head ready to explode
heart ready to implode
all this is going on, but,
I am vacant.

You stand so tall, towering over
Together and prepared
But deep down, are you scared?
Whatever you say goes, I hope my gratitude shows

Troubled, confused yet so sure
Do you think we’ll ever find the cure?
Losing your identity, it’s the cold-hard truth
I’ll never forget the sorrow you caused in my youth

Gentle, sweet and warm
Nobody senses your inner-storm
I’m sorry you can’t see the light
I’m not sure if there is one for you, you never put up a fight

Broken beyond repair
Life without your love is not one to share
I wish I could help in some way
But the loss hurts me too, so I stay away

You come and go so often
So meaningful at present, so easily forgotten
Thanks for all the good times, they were fun indeed
I must remember, romance should be a want, not a need

I know you inside out
I know what brings sadness, fear & doubt
You’re really trying, it makes me proud
Energy shines so bright, internal peace screams so loud

lurking in the shadows
lays a slumped figure
lost for words
lingering for love

lets get the party started!

today we are women in motion
clinging to our independence
whilst power radiates through our being

to all of the people who inflicted pain
they hurt & hurt, seeking power to gain
i know you hear my song
you’ve never seen me so strong

so run away, be very quiet
because guess what
i’ve started a riot

the flame ignites freedom
a solitude tear creates ease
we are free, much to your displease
walking together, without your demons

i can’t quite comprehend
how frequent this feeling is
failure & disappointment is now a trend
i feel one step closer to death’s kiss

oh that sinking feeling when you lose your phone
the ridiculously impactful sense of loss
the lump in my throat has only grown
its not loss of a phone, it’s the knowing that our paths will never cross

sadness showers over me
soaking up my joy
rejection crippling me over & over
playing with me like i’m a ******* toy

**** this
**** me
*******

finally, **** this repetitive feeling too.

start the day when the party’s over
that’s when it really begins
unsure of who i will be today
or who i have been

can’t keep up, dozens of types
one word is all it takes
****, poke, provoke me
go on i dare you

so many dark things i could delve into
physical pain i could explore
but the thing that hurts the most
is the invisible knife coming back for more

the knife is made of trauma and pain
penetrates my skin
greets my blood
creating scars only i can see

i’ll hide my words
i’ll hide my sorrow
plaster on a smile
until tomorrow

this is the one thing I cannot get wrong
you can’t criticise this
you can’t be disappointed
this will not be analysed
to me, my writing is perfect

to you,
well…
I didn’t ask.

*****

learning to love again
it’s a strange feeling
you don’t know if you’re making progress
no idea if your heart is healing

learning to love again
it’s like being naked in public
body is made of glass
face without its mask

learning to love again
i’ve become transparent
every scar, emotion & feeling can be seen
my soul displays where the pain has been

learning to love again
don’t assume i mean loving a person i know
my ability to love again isn’t consumed by a lover
but i doubt that would show

i have learnt
i am still learning
for true self-love
that is what i’m yearning

its alien
its alien to me
its alien to the youth of today

this dating malarkey

my generation
we can’t stay idle for two hours
forcing conversation
words with no meaning
deceptively beaming
at one another

its not natural you know
you ask me to meet
i can’t just get up and go
or is it me?
the anxiety?

its just not my cuppa tea

i’ll never know
shove me out of my comfort zone
making me realise I prefer to be alone

I greet the bed, quilt, and pillow

And to that soul-destroying sinking feeling…

its time to go

oh its spilling out of me
like luke-warm lava
supposed to be unbearable to touch
but actually is so familiar

i don’t want to welcome you back
the lump in my throat
the forcing back of tears
losing the ability to simply breathe

my stomach knots over and over
crossing paths as the hurt churns inside
waving at the butterflies
who have made my stomach their home

words racing round and round
pushing dread further and further down
until dread, despair and pain hide in every crevice

dread lurking in the shadows
depair tiptoes around my bones
pain hides and puts on its disguise

you know, the worst part is
i don’t know why
or actually i know that there are so many whys
and i can’t begin to use one as blame

so my aura takes the shape of my dear friend,
anxiety
welcome back i guess…
do you think if it cry, it will become less?

yes

play me like a game
the more you play, the stronger you get
i start to pull away
trying to pretend we never met

what was life without this game
i can’t remember the feeling of peace
it’s unknown if i will ever feel a release

tear my spirit in two
rip my soul in three
split my heart in four
keep my body waiting for more

back to square one
i think i like you again
but we have so much fun
UGH. what is it about men?

you made my mind confused
just to keep yourself amused
good for you, get your kicks
and i’ll get my depressing fix

you’ve done well, i could say
on track, hitting targets, completing goals
well done for your progress today
i can see you’ve scraped enough energy to climb out of that gloomy hole

seems like a front
like some kind of stunt
fake it til your make it
that’s what they all say
but it actually works, just for today

plod along young one
make yourself proud
announce your self-forgiveness,
shout it so loud

remember to plaster on a grin
even if its false
because if you do
the relief will eventually kick-in

so well done
young one

happy birthday to the soul in another realm
your disappearance has left my world shattered
watched your life slowly leave us
watched you become weak, feeble and haggard

the lights dimmed when you left
the music dulled when you left
a finished puzzle has lost a piece
leaving an irreplaceable hole, disturbing all peace

i’ve never felt a loss like this one
and i’m scared to feel it again
it took twenty-four months
to finally get used to pain

hair white as snow, smelling like a single rose
eyes like a welcoming warm hug, wrapped around every inch of your being
cheek so soft and easily kissed
you were right, it was the last kiss

the love inside of you blossomed & radiated
your energy was longed for & preserved
i can’t quite put to words how beautiful you were
your soul silences me, i am eternally grateful

i’ll never meet another like you
and that’s fine
there’s only one of you, grandad
i’m so proud to say you were mine

tell me to leave
spy on my shattered heart
wrap ropes around my throat
watch this world fall apart

its scary when your body is made of glass
people see all of you, notice every weakness
vulnerability is my identity
and relief is not an option

shards of glass penetrating my skin
butter knife lodge into my back
daggers trapped between my head & heart
bullets fired into my third eye

this sinking feeling reminds me its real
I thought it was gone
but i was wrong
I accept that disappointment is all I’ll feel

loss of breath
out of my depth
sinking into the pain
lungs filled with shame

weighted feet
dragging me down
lower and lower
about to drown

except…

i’m not in the ocean

where am i?

Dear every scary aspect of Earth
Dear the slug seeping through the sockets
Dear the rotting skull buried at my feet
Dear all the unstoppable intrusive thoughts
Dear the constant shift in emotion
Dear the next death
Dear the next unwanted touch
Dear the venom swimming through the veins
Dear the daisies which lay on top of the venomous veins
Dear what i might do next
and finally,

Dear the jump scares
you made me realise that the most frightening thing is,

smiling but my skull is screaming
nodding but my soul is sobbing
free but my voice is captured
open but my eyes are glued

love you but you love to hurt me
hate you but you feed my loneliness
need to speak but petrified of nothing
lost for words but won’t shut up

financially stable but life is poor
walking alone but surrounded by demons
listening to you but deafened by pain
wonderfully happy but tremendously miserable

it's all a mystery
next steps new goals
the past is history

can we savour the way the bed feels like one big embrace
can we relish the sensation of air in our lungs
can we try adore the imperfections without disgrace

today is here
yesterday is dead
tomorrow is yet to come

never mind whats on the agenda
ignore the impending fear of death
attempt to appreciate every second
learn to appreciate every breath

balancing the feelings
feelings which sit in my bones
crack your knuckles on my ribs
gutting me when I feel most alone

chapped lips
chapped lips pursed on the blank expression
tingling & lingering
watching the fire ignite in seconds

brush past me, accidentally creeping into my life
lifeless body triggered
what is it about you?
cheeky grin but no sin
reassuring eyes, secrets but no lies

symbolic human interaction
demons becoming a distraction
distraction leading to dissatisfaction
time to make my final transaction

tender, sweet & warm
bearing the sunshine after the storm

I’ll be your Christmas gift
wrap me up, but don’t suffocate
leave the mouth, I’ll communicate
remember to deliver that first and last kiss

it just wasn’t meant to be
keep on saying that to me
you’re right, we both know
I’ll try harder to go with the flow

you’re so chilled, life is a breeze
would you cope if your mind was diseased?
death is upon us my dear friend
soon we’ll be rotting, let’s not pretend

oh, but what if you’re already rotting?
well then maybe we are the same
i too, am dead inside
my corpse tiptoes around in shame

validation is all we seek
then you’ll wonder how life became so bleak
calm down, soon you will decease
unless you give that trapped emotion some release