When I looked into his eyes, I saw an incredible blue green ocean of a human being.
A human being who cared.
A human being who no matter what, would always be there.
When I looked into his eyes, I saw a beautiful iris full of thoughts and desires, begging to be let out into the free world.
Gentle thoughts.
Pleasant thoughts.
Desires that would make me jump with glee.
I saw beauty.
I saw passion.
I saw a man, who was as strong as a lion but soft as a flower.
A man who could protect me.
A man who could laugh with me.
A man who could love me.
I saw a stunning picture of him and I, smiling, holding each other as we did, being so comfortable.
So happy.
He was the man who cared.
But now he’s the man who left.
When I look into his clear, grey tinged eyes, I see a boy.
A little boy.
A little boy who hides from the truth.
A little boy who will lie to you.
Who will tell you what you want to hear, so he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences,
Though he has no issue telling others.
A little boy who left you alone out in the cold, because he felt that he was responsible for keeping you warm,
And that was too much to ask from him.
Even after months of you saying to him that you were fine on your own.
That you didn’t need help.
Prince Charming turned out to be the villain.
That beautiful man was a lie all along.
He never really cared.
Because if that man who cared about me so much was true,
It wouldn’t matter that we broke up 9 months ago.
He wouldn’t leave me in the dark, while he soaked up the light.
It wouldn’t matter if we decided to stay friends, or if we decided to leave each other.
He would still care.
It wouldn't matter that we did decide to stay friends.
He wouldn’t feel as if it were a responsibility to care about me.
He just would.
And that man who he was before, seemed like he genuinely did.
But  just like everything else, that was a lie too.

You never used to inspire me to write.
When I met you, I wished so badly that my writer's block would disappear and I could compose a poem of all the feelings I had for you.
But you know what they say,
Be careful what you wish for.
Because now I can't stop.

Now, the thought of you is so inspiring that all I want to do is write and write and write and write and write and write and write.
Your gorgeous tan skin and bright blue-green eyes force my fingers on the keys to keep going, until my nails are broken and my fingertips are raw.

You never used to make me feel creative.
What happened?

I fell in love.
I dove into the lake of love, heart first,
not realizing that I would never escape it.
I didn't want to escape the canal boat floating down the river of devotion so smoothly.

I should've gotten out when I could.

Little did I know that a shark lingered in that river.
A Great White Shark, ready to lunge at my exposed heart, that rested on my sleeve.
Although what I realize now is,
Sharks only live in the ocean.
The stinging pain in my chest isn't an aquatic beast.
It's love itself,
Trying to rip my heart from my chest and tear it to pieces, before my very eyes.

Love.
The destructive force that tricked me into falling for its lies.
Its promises of joy and happiness,
devotion and fondness.
The infatuation and lust that love guaranteed was all a ploy.
A ploy to catch me in its web, waiting for the spider itself to eat me alive.

You never used to inspire me to write.
But now you're my muse.
I wish I was smarter than this.
I wish I didn't fall in love with your kind heart and your gentle soul.
But remember, be careful what you wish for.
Because maybe, if I hadn't wished in the first place,
My heart wouldn't be so heavy,
And my hands wouldn't be numb from writing endless insignificant love letters to you.

A flood of guilt just rushed through my veins, practically drowning me in the emotion.
I stopped in my tracks, realizing what I had just done.
I had just jeopardized everything.
I knew how I felt towards you, but now I knew that it didn’t matter how much I tried to convince you.
At this point, after doing what I did, there was no chance you would ever take me back.
And that stung.
I felt like a bee had just jabbed its stinger into the scrapes caused by the ton of bricks that had just fallen on top of me.
There was no way out of this mess I made for myself. But the saying goes, you make your bed, you lie in it.

I made that bed in May.
I made that bed when my idiotic self went back to the guy who tried to breakdown my relationship, and eventually reached his goal.
I’ve been sleeping in the bed of thorns that was once made of roses, for the past four months, and I’m sick of it.
I can’t go on feeling like I’ve shattered the glass that is my heart, even though that is exactly what I did.
I didn’t realize what an incredible person I had, until they were gone.
It took me a day or two, but by the time I fully realized what I had lost, it was too late.

Much that once was, was lost.
My emotions that suddenly roared back to life in my brain, had dulled in yours, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I couldn’t kiss you back to life, the way it happens in Disney movies.
I couldn’t talk my way out of the situation, like I do when I don’t do my homework.

It was more complicated than that.
It wasn't just me anymore.
There was a whole other person, who’s feelings had to be taken into consideration.
And at that moment, I understood.
I could comprehend that you weren’t into it anymore.

But now, it's different.
It's different in the way that I can’t handle this anymore.
I’ve tried to make it seem like I don't care anymore.
I’ve been with other guys.
But it just feels wrong.
I miss you.
And you need to know that, as soon as possible.
You need to know that I care.

I care so much that I can’t bare to see you with Mary Jane every chance you get.
I care so much that I cant contain my smile every time I notice you in a crowd.
I care so much that hugging you has the potential to
Make.
My.
Day.
Maybe that sounds crazy, but at this point, I care so much that I don’t even care.

Even though I miss you, I still would rather you as a friend than nothing at all.
But wanting you as a friend doesn’t mean that the part of me wishes there were more doesn't exist.
A part of me- a big part of me wishes for nothing but to go back to the night of semi-formal, when I realized that I had feelings for you.
I wish I could go back to that night, when I came into the kitchen and you stopped mid sentence. I wish you would look at me the way you looked at me that night, again.
I wish I could go back to the night you asked me out, and relive it over again too.  To hear you say, "My god, you're so beautiful," just once more.
I wish I could go back in time to the night we cuddled in that bed, or the day of our first kiss.
I wish so badly that I could go back to being able to wrap my arms around your neck and pull you close, to kiss your soft lips again, even if it was just for a moment.

That part of me aches when I see you.
I feel it.
I feel it all the time.
I feel it when I see you, and I feel it right now.
It’s the left side of my chest, filled with anxiety and care and emotion and love.
It’s my heart.
My beating heart that I’m so glad still is beating because I would miss you if it wasn’t.

I would miss seeing your eyes light up when you get intrigued.
I would miss the overwhelming scent of your cologne whenever I see you, and how it takes so much out of me to keep up with you when we’re walking, because your legs are so much longer than mine.
I would miss talking to you, hearing your philosophies and views on life.
I would miss everything.
And I do miss everything, because right now, my heart feels numb.

But when I’m with you, it beats a mile a minute.
It’s like you’re the trigger to my heart that sets off the wild butterflies in my stomach, and the dizziness in my head.
I can barely focus around you anymore, because all I want is to lay next to you and breathe.
I couldn’t care if it was silent or if there was no dead air.
Because I would be with you, and that’s all that matters.

I would give anything to lay next to you on your John Doe scented sheets,
and stare up at your white pop corn ceiling.
I usually don't like pop corn ceilings.
But when its yours, it doesn't matter.
Because I like you, and that's all that does.

It's funny because she always thought they would have the perfect ending to the perfect love story.

It started with a boy who cared but didn't love,
who made it seem like she was his whole world, but in reality she was just a pea on his plate of opportunities.
He broke her heart, and the new boy was there to put it back together.
It started with a kiss.
One tiny magical peck on the lips in the end of ninth grade that started it all.
From that day on, she was hooked.
His alluring persona and overwhelming scent engulfed her as his arms did when she saw him.
Their caring ways attracted one another, but at the wrong time.

So they waited.
A summer passed. An autumn passed. A winter passed.
He had been with other girls, and she had been with other boys,
but they always came back to one another.
Soon the spring showers started to roll around, and the two got close again.
She was interested in someone else, while the boy admired her beauty from afar.
He was entranced. Captivated by her innocent affection for the other guy, who didn't know the definition of caring.
It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair to him that she was so involved with someone else that she couldn't notice the boy that was right in front of her.
It wasn't fair that she was trapped in his web of lies, but wouldn't listen when she was told the truth.
She was bewitched by the fellow's spell, while the boy's seat belt was fastened around him, not letting him escape from her enticement.

Eventually, she started to see it.
The true colours of the web spinning spider started to peek through, while she noticed the light radiating off of the boy who's one desire was her.
After falling asleep on the phone for multiple weeks, she started to see it.

The boy asked her to the spring dance, and she agreed.
They got ready together, but she wouldn't let him see her until she was done.
When she was, she strolled into the kitchen where he was sat, and he stopped in his tracks.
He stood up abruptly, his hands on her waist, mesmerized by her elegance.
They arrived at the dance together, staying with one another for most of the night, where most of their feelings grew stronger.

Days later, after the continuous midnight philosophical phone conversations, he finally built up the courage to ask her to be his.
She agreed with no hesitation, elatedness filling her to the brim, practically spilling out of her as she saw him the next day.

Their first kiss during their relationship was enchanting.

It set the wonderful romantic tone of their relationship, that lasted only a mere two months.
A sheer two months before she went back to the toxic snake who took advantage of her kindness.
The boy was hurt. He was hurt that after all they had been through, she still went back to that monster, who he knew would just destroy her again.

But he was wrong.
What destroyed her was the realization.
The realization that even though the relationship was over, her feelings were far from gone.

It was hardest when she saw him go back to the girl he was with during the fall,
But just for one night.

Summer passed.

She was still furiously in love with him, but he had moved on.
There was not a trace of emotion left for her in his body.
No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't find love for her in any small fibre of his being.

He was done.

And she was crushed.

It hurts.
It hurts so much to see you in the halls
to see those piercing eyes and gorgeous smile
directed at her.

His soft lips pressed against mine as his strong hands gripped onto my hips.
His hands erased the finger prints you left on my body as he started to feel me.
Your scent was forgotten by my memory as his gathered around me, engulfing me in the intense, manly smell.
My thoughts of you vanished as my mind was flooded with memories of him.
My only focus was him and his body.
His lips.
His hands.
His everything.
He felt so good.
Better than you ever could.
His lust pulled me from your games.
You thought you were in control.
You thought you would win.
But you were wrong.
You lost the game.
And you lost me too.

You'll only understand in my dreams.