If today I died
I wouldn't be sad or mad
Void of life I doubt
I would feel at all
But surprisingly I'm ready
Not to end life as I know it
But if it were over
I might actually feel glad
Glad that feeling is no longer a necessity
Feeling love or any other pain monger
If love is the cause
Pain is almost always guaranteed to be the effect
When there's no more joy in feeling
What's the point of living
So yes I'm ready
To let go of pain
And all things leading to it
True I haven't accomplished much
And definitely not everything I wanted
But what's the point in trying
When the simplest of feelings
Seems to always remain unattainable
And being happy feels more like a facade or job
Than a blessed emotion

Sisters,
We are in trouble
Overwhelmed by reality
We choose to sleep
Being awake is painful true
But what else would you choose?
Disconnected with the truth
Disillusioned with "inclusion"
But when we as women chose to stand
With other women
Away from our brethren
We undermined our people
Their problems weren't ours
Respect in our households and communities was never the problem
But now we're truly  included
In the reign of terror
By the hegemony
that we were never actually excluded from
So now while we've branched off
Into this group and that
Engulfed in the rainbows, weaves,  
****** objectification, drugs and popular culture
We are sleep crawling
To our extinction
It is better to live through pain
I n order to achieve gain
Than to nap through life
Never understanding your greatness
It is time to rise and return home

I miss you so much
And I doubt
you truly understand
You course through my veins
When I look in the mirror
Who do I see but you?
In my hair, mannerisms and attitude
Most of my family
Doesn't even like you
Or they have a cynical attitude towards you
Its hard not to be rude
But somehow I manage not to
These things you go through
You shouldn't have to
At least not alone
I keep finding myself
With a man
Trying to replace you
But no one can hold a candle
To my father
Missing you fuels my fear
Fear fuels nightmares
Nightmares of you
And your demise
They even strike during the day
By the time its over
Everything is blurry from my eyes
Its driving me crazy
Please don't make goodbye
The first thing I have to say next time I see you.

The manifest has been written
And she will be sought
But when I meet her face to face
How will she react?
With a simple embrace?
She's so beautiful
Smooth skin and a sweet grimace
She's always fresh and sharply dressed
It's been so long that I've dreamed her
Yet her image is so vivid in my mind
So many times I thought I could just reach out and grab her
Only to awaken to a disappearing mirage
But alas dreams become reality
And I feel like a groupie around her celebrity
Unsure if she's aware of my quiet insecurity
Even though I've dreamed
Do I deserve to be here?
But she merely smiles
As she beckons me closer
With each step I pinch myself
To make sure I truly exist
Just as soon as I reach her
I close my eyes and enjoy the ride
Her embrace is like a sweet kiss to my pride
Humbling me effectively
Causing my soul to smile and shine
Radiating like new armor
I open my eyes to drink in my newfound skin
And like magic she is gone once again
And then I realize
She is finally part of me
And no longer is reality only in my dreams

I need you to want me
like I want you
to dig your nails into
my derriere as you
pull me closer to you
****** into me like you own me
oh how I love being submissive to you
this lust has me in a whirlwind
make me melt how you treat my neck
like an oyster, *******, licking, nibbling, biting
biting my lip making my head spin
the way your mouth is on my mountain peaks
is extreme pleasure bordering on pain
you don’t have to touch me
feeling your hot breath on the mouth to my river
makes me twitch and throb
at the thought of your moist tongue
running up and down me
you must want me to beg you ‘cause
I know you want me.

Seeking shelter during the storm
It’s not as simple as a run
Much more complicated than a fight
After all, how do you fight life?
With the will to live?
The idea is to survive
But the goal is to evolve
Me and my resolve
Proving to myself and the world
Better yet **** the world
It brings me problem after problem
All due to trivial delusions
That I have always left in the past
But just as I pass
Something jumps up to bite me in the ***
How much strength do I truly need?
The God they all fear
Doesn’t seem to believe in me
After all what’s the sense in blind faith
When all I see is pain
Maybe it expects more of me
Stop smoking ****?
Or maybe even to believe
But I can’t seem to hold on to that
I go to believe
And seem to be dragged further into hell

So delicate and ripe
Fruit waiting to be picked
I can smell the sweetness
Before I even dive in
So excited the anticipation
Has me famished
And us both leaking
So earnest in my approach
My descent seems snails pace
Spreading her open wide
Caressing those thick buttery thighs
My moans haven't developed yet
So all I can do is sigh
As I plant delicate kisses along each thigh
Tongue tracing the curves of her love
Nuzzling my nose in her fresh mound
Inhaling the intoxicating essence
This meal may stick to my ribs
Running my tongue along get dripping cavern
Such a sweet drink
Sweeter than my dream
My thirst has been ignited
As I envelope her between my lips
I feel her pearl throb and twitch
My tongue can't resist
And as much as i try to pace myself
I become ravenous for her nectar
desperate for her taste
vice grip on her hips
Caught in a frenzy
Oblivious to her moans, cries sighs and thrashing
Her libido is no match for my palate

I been bestowed this burden
Hiding inside
Controlling my actions
Dictating what I do
And don’t do
Limiting my flexibility
Adding to my irritability
Causing physical pain
Adding to my mental distress
Complicating my relationships
What makes her and them better than me?
Why don’t they all suffer like me?
What makes me deserve this burden
I thought I was doing good
Doing what you wanted
Shedding the excess
Adding to the overall condition
But it’s a cheap trick
I been bamboozled back to square one
Its so hard to keep a smile on my face
Knowing what I know inside
Lashing out even though they don’t know
The ones who know don’t provide support
Or assistance just pressure and blame
They just say its heriditery
In your genetic line
I just want it gone
But then you tell me
What I would miss
As if I could miss this
Painful embarrassing controlling condition
And look with disgust because
I rather be barren

(c) ANBP 3/25/11

vengeance is the force
that will push you past your limits
teach you more
than you can understand
causing emotions that you
don't have the strength to overcome
I finally understand why it's necessary
to reap what you sow
because otherwise you won't comprehend
the impact of your actions
and the depth of the pain you inflict
that you insist on doing again and again
How could you ever know
the strength of my heart and legs
until you take that walk.....

I need you to be sick
without me
Because this is what the thought
of without you
does to me.

I need you to mentally replay
our encounters conversations and videos
Because this is what I do
when I can't talk to you.

I need you to taste me before seeing me
because I always feel and taste you.

I need you to hear my voice
when I'm not around.
Because I'm tired
of feeling crazy
about you.

I need you to understand
that the little things you do
are always noticed
and they all have little shrines
in my mind.

I need you to know
that I'm an attention *****
and although I like to share
sometimes I want to be stingy
with your time.

I need you to know
that when you're upset with me.
I feel needles in my chest and I can't breathe
it’s an incredibly slow burn.

I need to know
Do you truly love me to
the depths that I love you?
Can your truly promise your desire and passion won’t fade?
Will you always be my best friend?
Will I be yours till the end?

Because if you can’t answer yes
to all of my requests.
Then my love is in vain,
And you should leave me alone
And hope for the impossibility
That my love will wane.

I gave you my heart

you gave me a fabrication of yours

I gave you my body

you strummed it like B.B. does Lucille

I gave you my trust

and you made a fool of me

I gave you me

you gave me games, manipulation and control



Seeing all this at my front door

i chose to close it

after i let you in

when everyone else chose

to walk around a black hole

I chose to jump in.



Once all my fruit spoiled

I recognized the parasite

in my midst was you

like an Indian giver

I took my gifts back

and i beseeched you to leave

with a facade of hate



Impersonating the reaper

you created a nightmare

your greediness was your downfall

you tried to take it all back and

were trying to take my soul

forcing me into battle with you



Now, though I will triumph in the battle

I struggle to piece together

my heart, my body and me

like before without battle scars

to prove you ever

existed to me

I can dissect;
break it down to the smallest molecule
But you wouldn't see where and what i mean
My deepest pain, excruciating, blood boiling anger
Wouldn't be justified in your eyes
Categorized and stereotyped into something
With which you would never be able to sympathize or relate
But if i opened my thighs your attention would quickly shift
To see where and how long you could fit
When you look into my eyes don't you see more than that
The pain i carry from constantly being called ugly and fat
A child beyond her years
Into an adult who disowns her tears
From seeing the blood pour from my lips
And the welts on my hips
Self taught the language  of rejection
Because it replaced affection
Seeking anything to fill the void left
From s mentally, physically, verbally abusive father
And an intangible mother
It's so much easier to ignore and dismiss me that
If you sought  to truly understand me
It still would not expand your vision of me

It's impossible to me
How you can't see
Or maybe just wont admit to me
That your attentions
Are divided disproportionately
It is what it is and
I am in no way green to what I signed up for
I am a grown woman
But I beseech you please
Don't lie about it
A pill is still hard to swallow
Even when called another name
Yet the unease and doubt
Just before it hits your stomach and after it leaves your veins
Cannot be chased
When words don't mirror actions
How do you plead your case?
That your actions are reaction to my action?
I guess we shouldn't admit your action creates my disposition
How about we just avoid the whole situation
And throw out the prescription

Feeling you enter the depths of me
Bringing a crescendo of euphoric vibes
In the midst of my high
I see you so much clearer
as if the mist magnifies
Allowing me to focus on the beauty of you of i and us
The symmetry we create
Bodies dancing in the glimmer of light
A rhythmic frenzy
Captured by the shadows
Like a picture show
In and out of silence
Constantly in the throes of passion
your eyes capture mine
And i cant look away
caught in a ophthalmic conversation
Telling me everything your mouth cant articulate
My fingers possessed
Grabbing at all of you
With each twist dip plunge
Reaching for your face, pulling your neck closer to me
My lips begging for a kiss
Scratching your arms and back as you delve into me
With each stroke my pleasure leaks out
Adding to the puddle already trapped between us
The way you make me lose control
Is insurmountable
So caught in ecstasy
The last ****** barely completed before the next began
I lose my breathe for minutes at a time
But you never stop making me climb
And soar to new heights of ecstasy
Trying to keep my head
Can be an effort in futility
While you do these things to me

Charity and love
go hand in hand
From my perspective,
it's two breeds of the same species
To love encompasses the desire to give
yet charity has its limits
But what limits can be placed on a charity of love?
Endless giving even as much as my soul
and the purity that's left of
which you never turned away
greed is your sin
consuming the broken pieces of me
as if it were a buffet
But wait Hey!
if you consume all of me
what is left of me
the parts you control
in fear of being alone?
How is it possible to fear
what we've already experienced?
Is the experience that horrific and unrewarding
horrendous to the mind and eye
daily disrespect is ok and warranted
Warranting questions of common sense and more
dare we say even sanity
all in the name of love and charity
because what need do I have of me
without giving to the one I love
because he needs
more than me

I just wanna be there
while you're in your deepest despair
to make you smile brightens my week
when it comes to you I get so weak
making you laugh sends me on a euphoric bend
a feeling I never want to end
if only I could transfer my joy
the ultimate goal of my ploy
but diffusion isn't the only way to transfer energy
so I opt to smother your face in kisses
with the full intention of making you smile
but as soon as my lips leave your skin
your smile fades and I'm at the drawing board again
we both know its nothing physical I could do
regardless, I'll do what I have to
don't you know for you,
I'd cut myself open if that's what it took
for you to feel comfortable enough
to open up to me like a book
so i can be your shawman and heal
the layers of wounds and scar tissue
they left all over you
something you never have to worry about from me
I'd hurt myself to help you
but please don't thank me
because I'm selfish you see
I just want you to brighten my week

I am the rose that grew from concrete
Budded from stones, rocks, mortar, cement, broken glass,  drug vials and bags.
I am a product of my environment.
What you thought would **** me,
Only served to make me stronger.
Evolved into a hybrid
I'm the only of my kind.
My thorns fortified with brass knuckles,
My color faded from weather beatings,
And all other beatings,
The travesty of my existence
is not lost on me.
Beauty in the midst of pain,
And what is the epitome of ugly.
I don't belong here and never did.
Wisdom I have absorbed
From rains never to come again
Rejuvenates my leaves.
Although I cannot absorb it all,
Through the cracks in the concrete.
I relish what I can
And vow to absorb more the next time,
Should I be so fortunate.
Because the concrete can protect
As well as expose my naivete.
So compelling to manipulate,
It would be ideal to control.
Impossible though.
How can you control
What grows and survives in the midst of chaos?
And at what cost to your soul?
Even through the ominous clouds,
I remain in light.
The Sun has never been immune to my plight.
Providing the strength, energy and hope
I'll need for the next season of my fight.

the first time i realized
i smiled
then ten seconds later
I cringed
wondering how did I end up here? again
or does again apply
when before it was blind and misguided
this time my path has been navigated
tested tried and true this pathis in no way reminiscent of the past
although comparisons are wrong, there are no similarities to be found here
as if like clockwork you prove that
each one before was wrong

I must say I would love to thank them
for they were the catalysts of the "do not" list
and without them I wouldn't have taken
the chance, to "do" you
I even wonder sometimes if I bit off more than I can chew
because with you
I finally have what I asked for
which scares me more?
sometimes wondering if I measure up
to my own expectations
a challenge worth my time
for a love with no limits.

Learning the mystery
May be a feat
Reminiscent of pulling teeth
It can be time consuming
But never in vain
Because if you can ever be trusted
To understand without judgement
The reward can be so sweet
usually more than the average can handle
From passion, compassion and loyalty
We are indeed valuable companions
Definitely worth the effort and patience
Because we don't offer information
And even when you ask
Initially trying to get to know us
Our answer will accomplish
Only half the task
Because growing up we learned what not to say
Definitely the hard way
Exposing our interior and
Shedding our hard exoskeleton
Is a thought beyond terrifying
And a task that is quite daunting
Revealing a membrane underneath
As intrinsic and complex
As it is delicate and fragile
Attempts to damage or injure
Can prove beyond fatal
For the venom used against you
Is comprised of fermented resentment
From the cumulative pain you've inflicted
used with lethal precision on
Your insecurities, pain, and pride
drawn from Information that you provide
The easiest way to avoid heinous defeat
Is via honesty, loyalty and
Through the words and promises you keep
Most chose not to heed a warning so distinct
And are horrified
When the revenge exacted is so succinct

I feel so outside of myself
this isn't me
I don't care if you don't call
I don't care if you don't come by
nothing you do phases me
I'm a Scorpio
you cant know me
but you do, somewhat
this drives me crazy
The vulernability
The uneasiness I feel with it
Why must you do this do to me?
Why did I let you?
I need control but I don't have it
Because of you
and what I feel
feeling so good
I know what I feel is real
But my mind doesn't see it.
(c) ANBP 3/24/2011

I was thinking of you last night
your picture was vivid in my mind
toned body laying on me
hips grinding powerfully into mine
your lips, lovingly soft against mine
your strong thighs spreading mine
your deep voice in my ear
a harmony so sweet
your teeth bitin into
my succulent breast
by the way- you left a mark
the way your nails dug into my soft ***
how you stretched my walls
and your constant throbbing
reset the beat of my heart
the unision of your tongue
darting in my mouth and your last ******
the euphoria that spread
through my body
as you coated my walls
it was real until
I opened my eyes
and didn't have yours
to look into

When i think of you
I want to hurt you.
Kicking myself for not taking advantage of the opportunities
With past lovers hell even strangers
All in the effort to be perfect
The perfect girlfriend and "wife"
For a crook now facing life
Blinded in love
I couldn't see or maybe i wouldn't see
You for who you truly are
Unstable and illogical at your core
A ******, i know, i think you're not
But the man for me
Unfortunately, you'll never be
So disappointed in my contentment with denial
A marriage announcement
I'm too embarrassed to cancel
Earnest attempts to start a family
Breaking my heart every month
You've increased my pain exponentially
And in a display of complete lunacy
You have the audacity to make demands of me
And use my past against me
Well guess what, I'm no longer blinded
In retrospect, all you had to offer
Was *** and companionship
As if *** is everything
Well it is something
Just not enough
And i refuse to carry baggage
For you who refuses to admit
To me or better yet, yourself
That not only are you
Not a man, but
Not one who deserves me

Monotonous subject matter
Am I truly talented
If I mainly write from pain?
Passion inspires talent
And emotions fuel passion
So the product of my passion
Should be fire
But I feel the heat leaving
And now I'm cold
Frost bitten by the stares and blank looks
When I've finished reading
Or they've closed my book
Can't they see my blood through the ink?
Isn't it an obvious cry for understanding?
Why do I even crave to be understood
I should just be satisfied with being heard
But just because you hear me
Doesn't mean you feel me
And if you don't feel me
How can you begin to understand
The complexity within
So much of my life has been spent shunning my emotions and passions
That now that I've accepted
And embraced,
I'm eager for you to as well
Excuse my enthusiasm because
Every moment not understood and embraced
Feels like my existence is diminishing
And worse than rejection
Is complacency
in the face of nullification