it’s 3 am and i’m thinking of you
the smell of your sweatshirt and your huge smile too
the walk to my house at 1:32
the kisses you gave me before i knew

it’s 3am and i’m thinking of you
you said she was nothing you would pursue
but you and she still had a rendezvous
and now i’m sitting here with tears in my eyes that i’ve burst into

it’s 3am and i’m thinking of you
the mistakes i made and the chances you blew
i wish we could go back to before we fell through
but now i’m sitting here feeling simply blue

we cannot keep doing this.
every few months.
a new message-
another incident-
a new problem-
a new love-
another breakup-
reignition-
old feelings.
who gave you the right to walk back into my life?
who told you that you could just come back and act as if nothing had happened?
why say something when you don’t act on it?
why bring it up at all if you are just going to disappoint once again?
don’t tease me.
i’m tired of playing these games.
wondering what you want.
wondering if you’ll take me back or if you’re going to leave yet again.
don’t ghost me.
“i still love you.”
then act like it.
you can’t tell me that and then not elaborate on it.
don’t leave me guessing.
will he come back?
will he respond?
or is he going to be done by tomorrow?
it’s like you don’t see how i’m feeling.
i know that i’ve told you.
i’m tired of getting caught in this ****.
tell me what you want.
stop making me guess.
i still love you.
and i don’t hide it.
so why do you take it back every other week?
- the one who loved you too much

i am tired.
i am tired of seeing the way people are unrightfully treated.
i am tired of sitting around and pretending that you have not affected me.
i am tired of hiding problems and tucking them away like it's no big deal.  
i am tired of feeling awful.
i am tired of being sad.
i am tired of not being able to order my own food at a restaurant for the fear that someone will judge me if i stutter. which i will.
i am tired of a lot of things.
"how are you?" a kind acquaintance asks.
"tired," i immediately shoot back.
a popular response.
fraught with worries.
drowned by despair.
devoid of energy.
too tired to sleep.
"how are you feeling? what's up?"
you don't care.
you're just trying to be friendly.
and i'm too tired to be friendly back.
physically speaking, i'm exhausted.
mentally speaking, i'm distressed and exhausted and anxious.
i'm tired of lying.
i'm tired of trying.
i'm tired of sighing.
i feel like i'm dying.
-alc
4/4/2017

tick tock
the sound from the clock drives me insane as it echoes infinitely throughout the depths of my brain
tick tock.
the sound of your watch constantly clicking reminds me of the deadline i have until it's too late
tick tock
"my watch is a little slow"
thank you for leaving me with less time than i already had
thank you.
tick tock
how long until you notice that my hands have been fidgeting and shaking this entire time
tick tock
how long until you notice that i've grasped the seat and my knuckles are turning white
tick tock
this is my end and i'm not sure if you care but at least i tried
tick tock
you've paid attention to my good efforts but have torn them down with your negative words and rude remarks
tick tock.
"you are becoming the most negative person i know"
i guess i'm taking the likeness of you, you're a disease.
tick tock.
leave me.
tick tock.
one chance.
tick tock.
how long does it take?
tick tock.
tick-

Sadness is a dark feeling
I don't know whether to consider myself depressed or just
well
sad.
It's like you've fallen into this deep, pitch black hole
And you can't get out
You don't want help getting out
You see the pessimistic side of everything
and you embrace it
It gets even darker
And the hole is eventually filled with the dirt others have poured in
And you accept it
It's you alone with our thoughts
Sometimes they won't shut up and your heart is racing and you shut yourself out from everyone and everything
"You are becoming the most negative person I know," she says
I wonder why
Other times it's completely silent and the sadness flows from your eyes and falls to your toes
And sometimes silence is violent
But the sadness becomes your addiction
-a.l.c.

I didn't know you hated me so much

I mean if you didn't hate me you would't do this to me
Smiling that way that makes my heart drop
Laughing in that way that makes my stomach knot
Talking in that way that make my heart stop

You're taking my breath away and it's getting hard to get it back
I'm wishing for your shiny glow
But the night's completely black

My vision's blurry with tears
But the problem is that they're not from sadness
I don't know what they're from
I think I'm just afraid of the unknown
Unknown are these feelings you're causing me
Unknown is the tic toc from your watch

I hadn't really noticed before
The tic toc from your watch
It's so annoying
All it does it remind me that you're next to me,
but I can't listen to you pretty voice

I get this flutter my stomach every time you say my name
It sounds so sweet coming from your lips while I look at your face
It's almost like a melody
But I get so weird when you play that note
And I'm already sick of your acapella song

If you're not gonna be mine, please stop
I really can't take this anymore
It's past midnight and all I can think about is your stupid smile
I can't sleep at all
Just leave my mind alone

Leave my heart
Leave my mind
Leave this city or just hide
I can't see your face anymore because I fall harder each time
And I can't try to make you mine
you're never gonna love me, so why waste my time?