I feel wrong. Uneasy. Unable.
Why can’t I stop this idea of wanting to break myself down?
I shut out every emotion every day
I was taught to ignore pain to make other people happy
And now it’s coming back to bite me.

Now all of this emotion is coming up
In chunks
In tears
In sorrow
In anger
In depression
In panic
In hate
In shutting people out
In aggression
But I cannot do anything about it.

God, how I miss you and the way things used to be between us.
Don’t you remember us?
I remember knowing everything was going to be okay.
I remember a sense of stability between us.
I remember being able to run to you because I knew it would be okay.

But now?
I’m scared to think of stability because it isn’t real.
It’s a fantasy that I’ve drilled into my brain in order to try to convince myself that you would WANT me.
I mean, I did think you wanted me.
For a long time, I really thought that you would want me.
But now?

I can’t.

And what doesn't help is I can’t say anymore to you than what's already been said.

I can’t.

I can’t because I don’t want to hurt you the way that you’re hurting me.

If you live your days

like you’re not living at all,

will you be remembered?

And will your presence

be heard?

Will there be a voice,

illuminating the darkness

that may someday

make its way through?

Will the oceans

be there to guide you

when you need it

the most?

Will the strength you have,

help you at your worst?

Your mere presence

is the key to your very own

successful bliss.

Night falls upon the sleepless one,
who stares deep into the void.
He cannot yet be overrun,
He shall not be destroyed.
On the precipice of the blank,
He has lost all hope.
The riverside with either bank,
But while on land he cannot cope,
And so the water engulfs him,
He is drowned but still he breathes.
Light without him is now fading,
But within him it still seethes.
Destruction lies upon the sleepless mind,
Until it pounces on the light, resigned.

Nameless, but free.
Hair dyed an extraordinary shade of lilac,
sparkling a thousand which ways into the sun.
Like a diamond.

And yes, she was much like a diamond,
They make you believe that they're rare and expensive.
But really, there's millions of them.
They just want to feel special

You always point out every flaw dad
Always reminding me of everything I do wrong
You never cared how I felt dad
Always comparing me to someone else
I already know how stupid I am dad
Believe me I’ve been told thousands of times
That’s why I want to move away from you
You’ve made me feel alone dad
While still saying you’re my friend
I cared but you didn’t
That was my problem I accept responsibility for that
But the hardest part about letting go is that
I’ll never hear you running after me
Deep into the cold

When I tell you
I miss the past
I don't mean my youth
In which running
Across fields and roads
Was as enlightening
As reading a book on magic

I'm telling you
Crying out to you
Trying to explain to you

That I miss the past
Where I felt like my mind
Was it's own special haven
Of magical escapades
Where I didn't feel so-