I feel wrong. Uneasy. Unable.
Why can’t I stop this idea of wanting to break myself down?
I shut out every emotion every day
I was taught to ignore pain to make other people happy
And now it’s coming back to bite me.

Now all of this emotion is coming up
In chunks
In tears
In sorrow
In anger
In depression
In panic
In hate
In shutting people out
In aggression
But I cannot do anything about it.

God, how I miss you and the way things used to be between us.
Don’t you remember us?
I remember knowing everything was going to be okay.
I remember a sense of stability between us.
I remember being able to run to you because I knew it would be okay.

But now?
I’m scared to think of stability because it isn’t real.
It’s a fantasy that I’ve drilled into my brain in order to try to convince myself that you would WANT me.
I mean, I did think you wanted me.
For a long time, I really thought that you would want me.
But now?

I can’t.

And what doesn't help is I can’t say anymore to you than what's already been said.

I can’t.

I can’t because I don’t want to hurt you the way that you’re hurting me.