I’ve told you this before...
but i think of you a lot.
it’s not really intentional,
its just that
everything reminds of you.

when i see a flower-
i think of how good you look in the color pink.

when i think of economics, or politics, i think of you-
because i know how interested you are in those subjects.

when i stare at people for long enough-
their faces start to morph into yours.
and thats why i don’t like to go out anymore.
because everywhere i go,
i see you.
i see you in the scribbles in my journals,
and in the cracks on the sidewalks,
i see you when i press a button in an elevator,
and when I’m filling out a form to sign up for the sats?
don’t ask me why,
because i don’t know...
i just know that it happens.

i know that i know things about you that no one else does.
and you know things about me that no one else does.
you know things about me i wouldn’t want anyone else to know.
i trust you like that.
i think of you as a safe house,
a place where i know that things will be good
eventually.
at least-
i like to hope so.

i didn’t leave you because i didn’t love you anymore,
i left you because i didn’t think i was good enough to take any more of your time.
i left you because i felt like a burden to you.
something that was holding you back instead of pushing you forward.
at first, you disagreed with me.
you told me that you were only you when you were with me,
you told me that i was all you had.
baby,
don’t you realize?
i left you because i knew you could be better without me.

now, you have started to realize that that is true.
notice all of the things you can achieve without me in your life?
it’s beautiful, really.

beautiful in the way that everyday that passes the only thing i have on my mind is regret.
the fact that i gave you up kills me, because
i know now

i have grown
and i know now

that you have too

to me it makes sense that we try again,
because it is almost like we are completely different people now!
but you don’t see it that way...

you see it like you don’t want to get hurt by me again,
which i understand,
i don’t want to have the power to hurt you like i used to.
i don’t need that power anymore;
because i know me,
and you know you,
so how about we just allow ourselves to know each other all over again?
wouldn’t that be fun, baby?

but you don’t want that
you like the way your life is without me,
which i understand,
but i just want to be held again...
not by just anyone, but by you.
only you.
only you have been on my mind these past few months,
i am sick to my stomach from how much i miss you
but i guess i deserve it,
i am the one who pulled the trigger, after all...
which is to say, i am the one who let the balloon go

and i guess i’ve learned now that once it starts floating
it won’t want to come down again.

i don't believe you anymore when you say you care

nighttime is reserved for thoughts of what could have been,
thoughts of us,
thoughts of you.

i am angry because it feels like,
between us,
i am the only one who is still grieving over my losses.
i lost my first love,
and my best friend.
i was left with no one.
and while i was wallowing in the depth of my sadness,
you had turned glue out of your tears and started putting the pieces of yourself back together.
i am not angry because you are doing better now,
just angry because
i am not.
im angry because you have started to find yourself, but i am still stuck in between us and *me

fall in love with me.
settle down with me.
explore with me.
love with me.
cry with me.
hurt with me.
grieve with me.
heal with me.
be with me.
hold me.
kiss me.
discover me.
sing with me.
read with me.
learn me.
understand me.
accept me.

and if you do, i will

fall in love with you.
settle down with you.
explore with you.
love with you.
cry with you.
hurt with you.
grieve with you.
heal with you.
be with you.
hold you.
kiss you.
discover you.
sing with you.
read with you.
learn you.
understand you.
accept you.

and we can fall in love with us.

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived