Feeling like a kid
Is the best happiness

How about we start at the base
Ground zero
The place of destruction
The beginning of the action
My brain

If you think you can take it
Go ahead, step on in
Welcome to what will probably be
The most traumatic experience
Of your life, yet.

It's a chaotic chronic
A twister of pain, little gain
No production, simply destruction
Addictive personality
Worrisome and stressful reality, honestly

I don't know just how to say it
Or how to express it plainly
So I'm gonna wing it
And hope you people can understand
That I'm truly not all there

Sure, I'm responsible
I'm a smart kid with a bright future
But I don't know if I want that future
I don't know if I want myself either
I'm internally deranged

I like the idea of wasting myself of throwing myself in the flames and playing hopscotch in the smoke rings
Of wandering oblivion
And living in eternal suffering

No, I'm never gonna be a drunk
Never going be a ******
Never gonna trade my soul
To the only one who knows
Just how far I really wanna go

I'm not gonna dive off that cliff
Into that endless abyss
That holds the cold embrace
If the sweetest, purest
Most adored lover's kiss

I'm gonna keep to myself
Leave behind the inhalants
The smokes, drinks, and capsules
And hold my daddy's hand
And stay my little girl self

Meanwhile, on the inside
I'm lighting your home on fire
Throwing your kittens in the river
Slaughtering your children's dreams
And revealing your secrets

Satan can keep his contract
I'll keep my soul, just like you want
But I'll inwardly express the pain
That is my life
Signs of a serial killer, right?

Well, remember
Whatever I become
You made me
Aided the monster
By caging me

We were living in a dying flame
Ashes among the embers
Stuck in the reality of shame
While we slept in the abyss
Finding any other man to blame
To save our already lost souls

Around the world, the devil crept
Leaving evil pleasure behind
Demons were all to remain
In the place of the lord in vein
And as our God abandoned us
We tasted the cries of the insane

.........

The words she crafted
Slipped through her pale fingers
To dance upon her smooth flesh

The phrases were deaf
To her orders to flow from her lips
They simply ignored her frail voice

They wound around her neck
And she choked on their power
For she now came to the realization

The words were never hers to command.

Sometimes I feel lonely
I'm not alone
I have a boyfriend
And great friends
But within myself
I feel abandoned
I feel lost, abused, and afraid
But mostly I'm lonely
I don't know why
All I know is I'm dying inside
It's horrible in my mind
I need stability
I need internal security
It's terrible to be lonely

The paint slips
through her hands
melting down and
staining the sand
branding the land

while she attempts
to sculpt strands
of words that stretch
across the world
like cheap rubber bands

I am ruled by an addiction.
However, this addiction is not my own.
It is someone else's, someone who should be more important that anyone on this planet to me.
But, because of her addiction, is no more than a horrible burden that does nothing but bring tears and hatred.

Boy: You're beautiful. Did you know that?

Girl: I've been told otherwise..

Boy: Plastic ******* have to do that kind of stuff because they don't even almost compare to genuine women.

i don't hate you

i just hate

the way you made me smile so much

the way you showed me new things

the way i gave precious things to you

the way that you told me you loved me

the way you called me cute

the way you made me think you were true

the way you kissed away my pains

the way your hair was always perfect

the way you seemed to be worth it

the way you acted just like me

the way your smile changed anything

the way your voice lifted my spirits

the way your happiness made me happy

the way you made me feel like i could fly

the way you became my everything

the way i dove in head first

the way i fell head over heels

the way you made me think you were different

the way you treated me like i was special

the way you made me love you

so you see, i don't hate you

i just hate everything about you...

She is pretty and bright
She laughs at the jokes
And she sings along

She goes on hot dates
She makes the guys drool
And she is all too alluring

She is funny and sweet
She is a pleasure to meet
And she is liked by plenty

She plays and she smiles
She is supportive and kind
And she holds anyone's hand

She winks at the boys
She is flirty and fun
And she hides it very well

She weeps when there is no one to see
She does things no one would believe
And she screams at herself obscenities

She claws at her skin
She fears she'll give in
And she has no one to tell

She hates her reflection
She knows she's unworthy
And she'll never be released

She drinks too much in silence
She cuts a couple fresh wounds
And she wonders when it will stop

She's an addictive personality
She's addicted to bleeding
And she wishes someone would see

i like you
:)

i love it when you laugh at my jokes
and when you scoff at the bad ones

i love it when you smile at the things i do
and tell me when you think i should improve

i love it when you hold me while i cry
and when you tell me you need me to hold you

i love your voice, your words, your ways
and every single little thing you do

Forget it ever happened
We'll be the same

All the hurt feelings go away
Smile like the day before yesterday

Put on the happy mask
Leave the pain in the past

Pretend it wasn't real
Maybe then we won't feel

Fake the trust that said bye
Act like it's as easy to come by

Our love is honestly real
So we'll ignore the confusion we feel

Every kiss
Reminds me of another's lips
As though
You're not mine to hold anymore

A stranger
Someone I could only dream to know
Every night
I will be haunted to tears

Every touch
Reminds me of distance
Sleep is gone
I've been abandoned by my only refuge

Desperation splattered against my face
From the onslaught of your apologies

Patience radiated from me
To the flood of your guilt

Depression bathed the love
While I gave up on the battle that is my mind

My dear, I love you still and forevermore
But I now bear this ****** crown of thorns

Not a savior am I, for I yearn for one
Only a deeply tired peasant, longing for rest

Now I cannot simply dream a dream
My reality has taken refuge in a nightmare

Being wary of spoken adoration
Longing for my previous joy to return

My gaze now fixed in newly born sadness

My hopes all set in an infinite melancholy

Your touch no longer pure and joyful

But now tinged with taint and regret

Your words no longer lively and renewing

But now shadowed by emptiness and shame

A love that was so refreshing

A relationship that had become my muse

Temporarily reduced to confusion and hidden pain

My own tears shed in the darkness

While I hide them for your sanity

This eats away at my stability

At this moment, us no longer holds tranquility

you feel pain
and fear
the world is so cruel
no one really cares
well, except for me and you

you're alone in this
you say no one could understand
but remember
you have me
take my hand

we've both suffered loss
and we've both been through hell
here, i have the scars to prove it
and so do you
so why wouldn't i get it?

i understand your pain
though my situation was different
but still it hurt like crazy
and ripped me apart
just as this has done to you

when you cry
i cry just the same
your pain
becomes my own
i feel your every mood

your emotions reflect in me
your anger infects me
your happiness bathes me
your violation degrades me
and your living changes me

we're the same
in so many different ways
so know that i'm always here
you're never alone
so that may lessen your fear

i've given myself to you
so use my feelings if you have to
to feel joy and happiness
flooding through my love
you can find everything you need within me

me and you
you and me
we're like clones, copies
we're one and the same
you'll always have me

i don't know what souls are made of

i don't know what mine consists of

i don't know what makes up yours either

but  whatever it is

ours are the same

your essence mirrors mine

my personality reflects yours

we are one and the same

looking into your face

bathing in the brown of your eyes

is like looking into a mirror

and losing you

would be to lose myself

As soon as I have decided to smile
You breathe
Killing my joy

As soon as I have decided to laugh
You speak
Killing my humor

As soon as I have decided to dream
You botch
Killing my wonder

As soon as I have decided to change
Your heart beats
Killing my motivation

while we sat
and we waited
talking about nothing
too much to think about

                                                          ­         while we worried
                                                         ­          and we debated
                                                         ­          moving for nothing
                                                         ­          too tired to end our rest

it all fell apart
we watched
we felt but
we made no attempt to help

                                                           ­        our energy was gone
                                                            ­       we had determined we'd stay alone
                                                           ­        too exhausted from life
                                                            ­       to care that our world was falling

while we rode the tide
into oblivion
not changing course
or crying about anything

                                                       ­            while we felt our lives
                                                           ­        crumble before us
                                                              ­     not minding that it was over
                                                            ­       or seeking out refuge

we held hands
and shared one last kiss
for our love
was all we'd really miss

Smile, be happy
I'm here to comfort you

Ignore, don't notice
I'm falling apart next to you

Love, don't hurt
I'm not going to show my pain

Heal, don't feel
I'm here to save you

Rise, don't fall
I will help even after I'm gone

We don't have ***.
No, we don't ****.
We make love.
And it's wonderful.

i hate you
i hate you for everything you say
i hate you for every breath you take
i hate you for every heart beat
i hate you for every single blink
i hate you for every little comment
i hate you for every living moment
i hate you for every word you think
i hate you for ever staying with me
i hate you for every single substance
i hate you for every night of fear

i hate you
i hate you for threatening what i have here
i hate you for threatening my dad
i hate you for threatening my best friend
i hate you for threatening my grandmother
i hate you for threatening my sanity
i hate you for threatening my humanity
i hate you for threatening my life
i hate you for threatening theirs too
i hate you for threatening us with words
i hate you for threatening our worlds

i hate you

walk a mile in these shoes
the shoes that i've worn my entire life
never gotten any new
they're what i've been stuck with since birth

take a step into my brain
feel my everyday pain
no i'm not happy i did some things
but really i had no other choice

you say that this makes me a *****
well, were you there when i said no?
but it happened anyway, i had no say
so honestly can you call me a **?

you say that i'm a murderer
but did you know that the baby would have died anyway
that my body was beaten severely
and that it no longer can support a fetus?

you say that i'm a liar and a thief
guess what. i have children and a dying mother to feed
get a job? i have two.
still we don't have enough money for the month to get through

you say that i'm hideous and ugly
well, i used to win pageants too
until one day there was 10 car pile up
but what does it matter to you?

you say that i'm evil and cold
did you know that i have no one else at home
i've been left alone, rejected
so that's what i'm used to

before you think thoughts of me
look at the things i've been through please
and realize that i'm me and not your label
the stories you've heard are fables

i am
the lion
under your bed

i am
the noise
waking the dead

i am
the boy
banging his head

i am
the trust
reduced to only rust

i am
the struggle
of going completely under

i am
the life
that broke in the night

i am
the monster
in your open closet

i am
the woman
screaming ****** ******

i am
the lie
that infected everything

i am
the secret
you hide from yourself

i am
the demons
swimming through your mind

i am
the honesty
that you left far behind

i am
the dust
on your recorded thoughts

i am
the allegiance
left trampled in the dirt

i am
the power
given to your pain and hurt

i am
the sadness
that defines your person

i am
the reality
that numbed your heart

I want you to know
That I love you
More than words could ever show

I want to tell you
That I adore everything
That has anything to do with you

I want to say thanks
For all the little things
You do that make my days worth it

I wanted to let you see
That the way you breathe
Has so graciously saved me from myself

I wanted you to know
That thanks to you
I've been set free, so please don't go

Dear Love,

When you're with me
You heal my heart

But when you're away
I'm sad to say I fall apart

I wrote on myself last night

I wrote the words

                                                          Vile

            Broken

                                                                                            *****

                                            Alone

                      Ugly

                                                                             Fat

                                                    Pale

     Stupid

                                                                                     ****

                              Inferior

                                                                                                            Lonely

                 Sad

                                                          Awkward

                          Weird

                                                                                        Worthless

I wrote them with sharpie

And then I took my pocket knife

Freshly sharpened

And I cut the words into my skin

I cut lines across my thighs

And I watched all the ink sink in

"They say that ink poisoning can **** you

Well, welcome death

To my body. To my temple."

That's what I said

Later, I got in the shower

And I scrubbed off the writing

I scrubbed until my flesh was raw

There was even a little more bleeding

I marked DAY 3 off the calendar

And I went to bed

This morning I woke up

I plastered a smile on my face

And prepared for the day

To see the only one who makes me happy

And keeps me sane

At least when he is around

Soon I'll go home and do like usual

I'll pull out the sharpies

And again I'll sharpen my pocket knife

I'll make a long list of words

And I'll repeat the night before

But tonight I might not cry as much

Even though the pain will be 10 times worse

The trees
                       Their leaves
                                                   A brilliant green



The flowers
                       Their petals
                                                   Such majesty



The wind
                        Its grace
                                                   With powerful haste



The sky
                        Its wonders
                                                   An intense unknown

All the world has
And can behold
All the earth contains
And can know

                                                                                                     I present to you
                                                                                         With a glee so obvious
                                                                                                      With such love
                                                                                       I adore your everything

Each word you say
Every breath you breathe
Give life to these things
For they are our connection

                                                                                 Like gifts of the springtime
                                                                              I'll hand you a summer's day
                                                                                       Simply to call you mine
                                                                            And to claim your heart today

Wine can be so sweet
It can taste so good
Just like the life we live
Living like teenagers forever

Tequila can be so kind
It can open your mind
Just like our music and movies
Pop and rock and nothing classic

Whiskey can shine so bright
It can light up your darkness
Just like our words and phrases
Cursing and cussing at anyone close

***** can be so hot
It can burn up your thoughts
Just like the things we do
Messing with your head all the time

Drinks can be so human
They can be so life-like
Just like our humanity
They're like us, our personalites

I've been in a rut.


I don't like this.


I've lost self respect.


I can't recover.


I've broken my own heart.


Will it ever end?

And  it hurt
Hurt so bad

And I caved
Caved again

And I know
I'll never make it