Can't see the dawn
from the angle of dusk
Even harder to believe--
it could see me?
Why would sunrise care about its setting?

“I think you'd hafta be flyin', er sumpthin'

Maybe if I banked a 180
gazing into that new east?
Okay--

I know it's not

I could still see the reflections
of where it was
of warmth and color where it used to be?
Okay--

...and now I'm just the warmth of the reflected
disorientation

--*******, that poetry-killing six syllable word!

Ya wanna pass that joint
before I land this heap without My wheels down”

I must ruin your fantasies now
because there will never be beauty in such pain that makes you want to set yourself on fire

No beauty in having the power of making your parents think you are not safe if you do not pick up your phone or in causing them to have panic attacks every time you lock the door

There is no beauty in having a chance and not taking it because there is something wrong with you and you feel so ungradeful because no matter how messed up you might be, many others have it worse

There is no beauty in wanting to get cancer and die so you wouldn't have to do it yourself because it would hurt others less

There is no beauty in the chaos of staying in bed for weeks in a *****, messy apartment and lying about your life being in order

There is no beauty in sleepless nights
Eaten up by ether pain and guilt or numbness and debating whether you should let yourself live another day because you sure as hell know you are what people call a parasite and you don't deserve to be significant to other people

There is no beauty in being a coward and doing absolutely nothing with your life when there is only one thing you have to do, yet you stay in an overly expensive apartment all by yourself  wishing you could just hit the reset button and maybe be born as someone else or not at all

There is no such thing as beauty of madness and there never will be beauty in being me.

I don't have any amazing stories about my life and about who I am
I don't even know who I am

And I wish I could lose everything and everyone so I could have a valid reason to end my life

I have the best parents
A loving sister
Dear friends
And they don't deserve the pain that would demand to be felt if I killed myself

I don't deserve what I have
I keep letting everything escape my fingers because I never held on tight enough
And pain is festing on my soul like a hungry animal thirsty for blood
Because lately, I am sure there is something wrong with me

My biggest punishment is being aware of the consequences people around me would endure, the aftermath of suicide

I pay my sins with having to live and disappoint over and over again

I am so so sorry. And I know you are tired of my sorrys. But you are never letting go. Because you love me. And I do not deserve that and it's only making things harder

Please hate me. Please.

She used to lick
my hip bones as if they created a special taste
specifically for the tip of tongue  
sides of me would squirm while she danced rhythmically above
sunlight was made from the strands of her
dripping hair
I would perk my lips
gesturing my existence to the sound
of her fluttering lungs
at each giggle  
patches of grass tickled below my back
small specks of clouds
planes racing from the ground
I felt her voice
in the coils of
percolating vowels
safe precocious sounds.

loving you was my
favorite thing to do
because it
felt so good
loving you
was like breathing
to me
I didn't need a book
to know how to do it
I just
do
loving you
felt so natural
like it was something
I knew how to do
for a long time
and I felt giddy
thinking about my
newfound ability
it feels as if my heart
was always under
a warm blanket
so safe
so secure
longing for yours
under the covers
it feels as if my hands
we're naked whenever
it was not linked with yours
it feels as if every breath
I take was being clouded
with you
you
you
if only
you knew how
to love me too
because for you
loving me was
learning a new language
playing the piano
driving a car
it just doesn't come
as naturally
as walking
talking
breathing
in
out
in
out
I still don't know
how to stop