START

Blue lights surround
the remote control, he presses
one of the small buttons.

Nuclear attack in
news broadcast, hand
searches blindly the phone.

Video home system
shows time going forward
and moves it back,
when something - unexpected
happened

- still, he panics.
the landlord has to hear whining again
and she is tired to calm him.

WORK

75th anniversary
in the company he hates working
- taking pictures with the staff.

CEO
holds him on his shoulders
and whispers: my children
are not waiting to play
with them, my husband is
not waiting to fry the potatoes.

Empty meeting room,
blue aquarium in the background,
she undresses - chubby body
surprisingly satisfying his
needs.

He does what he hasn't done before,
moves hands across
upper and lower back
- bottom
only to find hemorrhoids.

END

Blue lights shine
the apartment, where he
suffers convulsions of
the things he experienced.

VHS tape runs
a news broadcast
- school shooting,
landlord didn't answer
his calls.

CEO runs in his mind
asking to come back
- to please her inadequte
soul.

When mother and father
often create insults,
older brother joins the battle
knowing he would lose,

I close my eyes
slowly, like entering
a dream that
I can control
by it's length
and it's confusing images.

My bed, which sheets
tell the story of satisfactions,
turn to the warm mattress
on the beach in California.

Mother Earth
blows the breeze on my pale
hairy skin
– I shiver with pleasure.

Shouting turns to
laughing
from my friends
that I don't have or
neither will get.

Sand drains between
my toes, beach ball
bounces from my head
- I laugh with joy.

One of those
young, vulnerable people
could look at me
that particular way.

Hot breathing next
to my sensitive neck
followed by sloppy
tongue work – I moan
with excitement.

I open my eyes
slowly, like being born
again and I find out
the fight is still going on.

Brother's voice is lost
Mother shrieks
Father yells

- I cry with despair.

Sun sets to fall asleep
but leaves it's gloss to play the encore
before the day ends.

I've known for a long time
which direction my feelings go.

The goal has not been known
but I hope it stays here to live.

The second hour of our vacation is running
my hand moves closer,
in the rough grass,
to back of his hand.

I want him to say my name,
in a way which no one will hear.
Hold me,
in a way which no one will experience

- then he rises and joins with our classmates,
who start to play soccer.

He hugs Mary and they swing side to side
– eventually falling to the ground – laughing.

Jealousy whispers,
asks to join me.

I consider it.

First,
I try to stop sadness to become visible.

Doesn't take long,
when a goal is scored.

Cheering, laughing – enjoyment.

Jefferson Airplane performed
Let Me In.

It worked as a silent call
For those, who never heard it

From young women
- men watching, listening.

But their soul did
shout it with
tremendous joy,

in denial of all those
sentences of

Let Me Go.

The whip lands
on labyrinth of lines.

The shout, filled
with a hopeless prayer -
”jahve!”

The scream,
prelude of the charm
that death whispers.

Pharaoh takes
a bite
sweet grapes
satisfy
as much as
the queen's *******.

Doctor,
mask with a long bird's beak
looking like a horn,
checks out

what's hidden under
the grotesque version of
scales, that colorful and
wiggly fishes own

- abscesses.

A green-eyed girl
face still frozen
from the horror of the plague.

Doctor takes a deep breath
coveres the patient,
who sometimes was called -

he can't say it
but still feels the first time
when she was on his
protective lap and she cried
like the world was too
big to handle in the first day.

Now, The Doctor
feels the world is
too cruel to handle

in their last days.

My top hat
full of thick liquid.

It looks like the sun
dazzled itself to nausea,
through the window of
desperate fingerprints
- to my precious
black, top hat.

I can feel
under my body, the ***** marks
people left before
me, when grunting and
******* and crying.

The ***** at the reception,
filled crosswords and smoked
two at a time,
told I will enjoy my time
at their guesthouse

- with teeth, that could
make dentists despise
their job.

In the closet, my clothes
dropped from the hanger
- guess they have given up.

I'm still considering,
using my precious
top hat.

After what I've done,
at the gate of my dream,

my mind cheats

exaggerates achievements

on how it affected
- how it convinced.

Reeds tickle
from the edges of stems
- moving fingertips

which you hear
from my chapped lips

- commitment.

You are the snowflake
I want to feel on my face.

The snowman,
whose smile I create
with my words

- dimples.

Flames covering
architects of the future
that were called worthless
on their hollow minds.

Burn, burn!

They said,
when future seemed
too promising
for their weakness to take control.

Someone watched from the door
same ***, different age
- young, human being

hoping in a shocked state

that he can still build
on top of the ruins.

escalator
up
down

talking to itself, the mall

- abandoned

dirt water
of the immortal
fountain

Tell me, the reddish hug
of a distant horizon around us
- one more time

when we took the grace
of the world, with open
arms and mind

and we held hands
for others to see.

Tell me all of that, before
I depart from my body
to see

how you treat my shell
until it loses the final
power to breath.

My husband

sitting on
the ledge of
heaven
or hell,

watching as the
shell of him
drinks warm Budweiser

and

is deaf
to our son's squeaks
of playing with
toy cars.

Daughter
draws a picture
of a restored home
full of colors and
fake smiles

that we show to our
neighbors.

I wish
his glassy-eyed stare
and hidden breakdowns

would've been

shot or stabbed
by the Vietnamese.

I'll pack our bags,
go to my mother
who smokes non-filtered
cigarettes and blows
the smoke to my tired face.

”What did I told you?
I knew he wasn't
strong, what a ******* mouse.”

Georgia and Matthew
eat melted strawberry
ice cream in the
disturbing silence

while I try not to create
psychotic thoughts.

Those eyes
that still see blood and
broken souls
- looking at
a black and white movie

should've been
torn apart
by the forks of hungry children.

Full moon keeps me awake,
I touch myself - on purpose
in it's glow

my changed memories
beautiful variations

about what I still can get.

stopped
flowing

wobbling
- thinking,

passers-by feel cold
icy grass shivers

infected creek's
colorless veins

- the frost,

stopped
being.