You're small and cute but made to be hot.  filled with warmth, you're a badass teapot.

-for my friend Cara who Is now a teapot in my eyes xD

its Friday night, and I are happily at home!
Being suffocated by my blanket.
It's as if the world is pushing down on me because it knows I have no one around me.
I close my eyes and I feel my oxygen depleting.
I am trapped in darkness, with no one around to help guide me to the light.
Fighting my way against the world with no one to reach out for.
Feeling lost and forgotten.
I wander through a dark forest of depression, while only the monsters in my head reach out for me.
I try to beg for help and can't make a sound, but eyes scream out.
So I sit to face my inner demons and overcome my greatest fear.
The loneliness tries to take me over. Rejected and unwanted, just like a broken toy nobody wants to play with. I was left in a dark room, with no one to come back to me.

skin left sore and damage.
My purple flesh leaves marks that signify hate within others.
Pain left from fathers and mothers, sister and brothers, friends or foe.
I  believe the skeletons I hide, have more guts than I do.
Being pushed around and abused by those close to me without fighting back.
But I know I would rather take a thousand cuts before giving one.
I may seem so well put together from the outside, but I know on the inside I have been torn apart.

I have realized I have a very unstable mental state.
Like I'm pretty sure we have all seen that person on the street.
Where your first thought is, "yea they are on something".
That person is in control of my brain.
For example, a typical Friday night goes something like.

" I hate myself // you hate me // I love you // you love me but you actually hate me // I'm hungry // I want to die // sometimes I wish I was a squirrel // it would cool to have a pet sea monster // I hate myself".

But it's not all bad.
It feels like I have become aware of my emotions.
Being able to choose when something is funny, sad, or frustrating.
It's like a superpower that doesn't always work. Being able to smile on rainy days, is nice.
But not crying for losing someone close to you can be jarring to handle.
I am drowning in the dark ocean comprised of my anxiety and depression.
Losing oxygen and the will to try and swim back up.
I sink to the bottom, just to realize I can stand up.

what brings me joy. Well shockingly, a few things.
1. A bright and warm, summer day.
2. A meal that I really like
3. Sinking into the couch and running some games with friends.
4. That feeling I get when all four wheels touch the ground and my legs become one with my skateboard. Rolling over the divots in the concrete, feeling the wind coat my skin, and my mind is set free to an endless form of creativity 
5. A nice slice of cake.  
6. Waking up at a time I decide.
7. Music that can fit my exact mood.  
8. Holding that someone special in my arms.
9. The first snowfall of the year.
10. a cold glass of rye, for the night I want to forget.
11. Hearing your voice, while you rest your head on my shoulder after a long day.
12. The feeling of your nails in my back, writing your passion on my skin.
13. The set of hands that fit perfectly with mine.
14. The sound of rain hitting my window at night.
15. You.

dragged to his ruin
ravening fish came to eat -
floating bait of meat.

As my body shakes violently,
In the midst of sound sleep;

Naked and alone,
Lying on the cold concrete;

This nightmare of my reality
                 I Dream...