"Tame your dragon"
My teacher says...
Can I refuse this assignment?
Make a plan
she instructs...
My plan is to slowly self destruct.
But I don't think that's what you want.
Can I be honest
and say
that today
is not the day,
nor was yesterday,
that I honestly want to change?
I know I should
but I don't really know what to say...
tomorrow, maybe
I'll consider starting.
But it might just be
a distant tomorrow
cuz today my plan is relapsing.

I'm grateful today
to be able to say
that I know I have a future,
begging me to stay.
Because otherwise
I would having nothing preventing me
from acting on my desire
to die...
Today I want to live
because in the morning the sun will rise
in the eastern sky,
and rise high
lighting up the darkness in life
or something.
I want to live to watch it set
one more time
to watch the night
come alive
as my monsters become less silent...
and only then, do I want to die.
But I don't jump
trying to fly
Because I know that I can't,
because I know that the sun will rise.
at least one more time.
And I know
that some day
It's going to rise
so high
that it consumes everything in sight.
I know
that some day
it won't set again.
Some day, I can say goodbye
to the night sky
and my monsterous mind.
So I'll just hold on tight.

I feel protected
from any harm;
But I know better
I'm not safe in these arms.

My mind has been warped
twisted and turned
like taffy in a candymaker's careful claws.
but this candy that I tried
isn't as sweet in my mind.
sugary sweet poison;
That's all it is.
Delicious and dreadful and deadly.
But oh how it tastes...
It's bittersweet some days.
I can't explain.
And it's an addiction
a love hate relationship
(a contradiction)
and I think I'm fighting it
but truthfully
I don't want to be.
I want to give in
and binge
on the sweet delicious taste
of my awful bitter disgrace.

I'm trying to be that fighter
that you all expect out of me
I'm trying to smile brighter
So you don't see
that this life
kind of feels like
it's burning a hole inside of me.
That I can't see
one step ahead for anything.
I'm hoping you don't actually see
the scars that are so obviously
A work of my own artisrty.
I'm hoping that you don't see
that I'm falling apart at the seams...
But I cant decide
if I want to fight...
I know I want to win the war
but I don't know much if I want to actually fight it anymore.
Daily
things are thrown at me
and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with these things.
And sometimes it's not even my own battle that I'm fighting.
But either way
It's all the same.
Every day.
A war that I'm waging.

I wouldn't be surprised
if they all got some sick gain
from the pain
they cause those left unnamed.
I wouldn't be surprised
if he gets a kick
out of kicking her around
and out of holding her down.
If she gets a high
from pushing her to the ground.
If they get a lift
out of treating them like they're worthless.
You're causing pain
to those who's names
fit in to the fill-in-the-blanks.
please just stop.