dear depression,
you were the girl next door,
everything i was curious and scared of
and when you struck me,
it was more shocking than if you came up behind
me and kissed me on the lips

dear depression,
you were my best friend
for so long, my only friend
and when i was going to sleep
you talked to me,
told me i wasn't good enough
but your voice
was better than no voice

dear depression,
you pushed me to the edge
and i nearly tumbled off
but at the end of the day
i am still breathing

dear depression,
you pushed me over,
and i fell
but as i fell,
you whispered in my ear
*write

You're a dream
That crawled into my bed
And never came true

You're a laugh
          About to burst into tears

What you are
          Is vague
                And beautiful

Do you know the true meaning of sleepless nights ? It's not staying up watching tv & on your phone ; it's drowning deep in thoughts all alone , having nightmares when your eyes shut & fighting back tears.
Sitting up or laying down thinking you overcame them but just encounter new fears , heartaches , depression & maybe a life at stake .
Ever just stared at the ceiling or stars ,wanting to be up there ? Free from mistakes & bypassing thoughts of death as these sleepless nights then become routine & the screams grow louder in protest for you to give up & in to this not thick but thin life.
These oh so sleepless nights are dreadful & exhausting physically & emotionally but when it happens all you can do is hope to sleep again .
  
                                    ~Chilled

I tried swallowing
The disappointment
With sleeping pills,
But God, how could I not choke
When every single one of them
Reminded me of you?

i tell myself im feeling better.
no social media
no outside distractions
just me and my mind.

ive made quite a few changes in these seemingly eternal summer months
ive changed my diet
changed my thinking
my sleep schedule
my hobbies and interests
even my wardrobe.

ive made all these changes
ive gotten out of my head (for the most part)
so if ive made all these changes and if im doing all of these new and better things
why do i still feel so low ?

i feel low not as in sad
no sad is too simple, too cliche, too blase
i feel low as in my heart will start to clench and struggle to beat
my breathing gets shallow
my thoughts are dulled and become sullen and narrow
like im on the verge of a never arriving panic attack

so tell me if im filled with no responsibilities no standards to hold myself to
filled with a sense of freedom and "peace" as many would say
how come if you asked me to today
i still couldnt put my so called peace on a scale of 1 to 10 ?

isn't it ironic that happiness is
something humans need?
We spend our life
looking for it.

The definition of happiness
is different for each of us.
For some people being happy
means love themselves.

For other people being happy
means being rich.
And for other people death
is their only happiness.

(m.v.a)