I have learned from a young age that I would attract a certain kind of attention. Prepped for the stares I would receive for being more well endowed in the areas that spark lust in men. From a youthful age sexualized, only sought after for one purpose. One glance and thoughts are shifted to fantasy. Never asked about feelings or emotions, just questioned about how I can satisfied needs. I am only looked at as a fun time never a long time. They all believe that because I look a certain way, that I must have all these men in my bed, and that I am only in their presence for pleasure. My sanity is often questioned, once they realize that I am not a seducer or temptress that falls in to the hands of multiple men. But they also have the mentality to wonder why someone like myself is distant, guarded and closed off.
(Looks gone to waste in their eyes, tainted in my own)

They tell me the things I crave to hear
I'm hesitant every time knowing that it is all *******
I hold back as much as possible, but still give in I am only human
Thinking this time will be different, I was wrong
I am always wrong
Leaving an unfamiliar home mascara stains under my eyes
Residue of a wiped off sticky white substance on my chest
Lighting my cigarette a habit I had given up months ago
Crying because he was the same as all the others even though he stated over and over again he was not, and how he wanted to change my perception of men but he was one of them from the start
Inhaling each drag along with a a memory of the ones before
They always give so much affection and admiration until they got what they intended when they first laid eyes on you but it is now replaced with cold distant replies
They can not all be the problem right? So I guess the problem has always been me

When it hits me
It comes in stages
Everything will be fine
Then the thoughts flood my mind
They take over me
I start to get numb in the chest
I then lose focus
Only thinking of the thoughts it has brought
There is no way to avoid it
Pain
Trauma
Sadness
It fills my body till there is no actual life left

I knew from the start when his good morning and goodnight texts never had the word beautiful with heart eyes unlike yours never without
Why didn't I notice sooner that I would never fall for him the way I fell for you
I should have known when most of our conversations ended with arguments, that he was never the one
Unlike yours and mine filled with laughter every minute
I should have known when I never smiled at the sight of his name on my phone. . .forced feelings
But when your name appeared on my phone my day was filled with undeniable happiness
I should have known when he never made me feel special
I still remember the paragraph you had once sent me
Explaining how I changed your life and how it had no meaning before you met me
All I get from him is criticism for every little thing I do wrong in his eyes
He would never amount to you, to what we had
I doubt anyone ever will
I am wrong and only hurting myself trying to find you in others

When I heard the word romanticized
I questioned everything
I wondered if we were less then what I thought
Did I break my own heart?

Sweat trickles down her forehead and down the back of her neck
His chest glistens with sweat accumulated over the past two hours
Hands grasping at his broad shoulders towering over her
Breaths have become shorter and moans have become longer
Legs dangled over the leather car seats
Thighs spread as far apart as they allow her
He bites her bottom lip mixing pain with pleasure
Their hot breaths fogging up the windows
Bodies harmonizing perfectly with each others movements
Till they have drained each others energy
He lays his head on her bare stomach
Dozing off to the sound of her breathing reducing to normal
Her hands run through his hair
She wondered how she allowed herself to enable this behavior
After all he was only supposed to give her a ride home from work

"I actually feel sorry for you, because I feel like you wanted a relationship with me but couldn't admit it"

You were right my love, I regret never opening up to you. I was always to afraid that you would realize I was never truly what you wanted. I did not want to be hurt by someone I cared for so much, but in the end I just hurt the both of us.

"Never say goodbye
because goodbye means going away
and going away means forgetting."
How I yearn for Peter Pans words to be true
When you said goodbye
I wanted nothing more than to forget you
I cried every night wanting the memory of you to vanish
Wishing we had never met
Hoping I never gave you a chance
But to this day
Months after your goodbye
I am waiting to forget you
But I am miserably failing

You were my knight fighting off my darkness, allowing my light to shine. I was in awe about how you gifted me with happiness, when I myself could never create my own happiness. You broke me down and exposed the only will I had to be alive. Being my knight was only a facade to the antihero you truly were. You left me unprotected and alone, darkness has completely taken over, returning stronger and shattering my will to live.

I still miss you
I still live in the memories of us
The wonderful times we shared together linger on the nights I am loneliest
But the image of you is starting to fade
and I do not know whether to be relived or sadden

You and I are alike in a way
Both used each other heartlessly and ruthlessly
But in a very different clashing type of manner
I was used to satisfy desire and passion burning within
You were used as an attempt to fill voids of emptiness
Along the way my intentions were altered
Yours remained the same
That is when we grew apart
And I fell apart

I used to pity my friends
They fell so easily
Never failing to coexist perfectly with an admirer
Becoming best friends and lovers
Until the day they break apart
Leaving memories with a mixture of despair
I believed getting over a person was simple
Stop texting
Stop calling
Stop thinking about them
Then move on like it never happened
But that all changed when I met you
When I myself fell
I fell for you, when I told myself not to
Now I pity myself for missing you

I act tough
Say I'm heartless
When I'm just hurt
Saying I have no emotion
But I am overwhelmed with it
I say my soul is black
The past has rotted it to nothing
I build walls high enough to keep people out
But have trapped myself inside
Surrounded by the lies I've told to cover up
The fact that I am broken
Never believing the lies just living with the tragic truth
What's behind these walls will ruin anyone

Sadness is nothing new to me
I am dealing with depression
Emptiness has a home in my chest
Negativity has found comfort in my head
Both permanent residences
I now have a new sadness to welcome
This sadness leaves an aching pain in my heart
An ache that is refusing to leave
Sadness is nothing new to me

he spots her almost instantly
long black curls blowing with the breeze of each step she takes
her face stern with concern but still impeccably gorgeous
sun kissed skin with a glow that keeps him captivated
lips tainted with a subtle hue of red
he can only imagine his lips against hers
she looks up making eye contact for a brief moment
leaving him breathless
all he can comprehend at the moment are her stunning eyes  
eyes that have the ability to ****** him with each gaze
almond shaped with an entrapped light brown
she was the most alluring women he has ever seen
but she will never know of his admiration or thoughts towards her
for she has now left his sights with no trace of continued presence

You know its there
You feel it everyday
It holds you hostage from your own life
You try to defeat the control it has on you,
Managing to achieve it
You start to see the light,
Where darkness once reigned
An ending you are at peace with
But it only last a brief moment
Till it disappears  
Depression never ends

he held the flower in his hands admired its beauty and scent
realizing it was the one for him he plucked it calling it his own
not knowing each petal combined made the beauty he admired
so he plucked one by one till there was nothing left for him
the beauty was no longer there in his eyes the once beautiful flower was no longer valued and thrown out while he admired another to his liking

"Get over it"  . . .  Its not that easy
"Move on"  . . .  I've tried
"Let it go" . . . It is apart of me
"If it was me I would be happy"  . . . Impossible with my thoughts
"Think positive"  . . . I try everyday
"The past does not define you"  . . . It haunts me
"If you just think differently"  . . . If only my mind allows me to
Enlightening words from a friend who has never know depression
Whose mind is right
A friend who has no sickness holding them back from life

You can't tell me these things , you just can't
The simple meaningless words you tell me
They mean everything to me
I will pick them apart and hold on to everybit
knowing they are nothing
Knowing it's not what it seems
But for someone like me your words mean the world to me
It's hard for me to distinguish the lies in your so called truth
I tell myself it is all a hoax
but I'm still falling for it

Why do you chose to hurt me?
Why do you say I mean so much to you?
Why do you say you need me?
Why do you lie to me?
Why me?
Why?

It is 3:27 A.M.
We just ended a three hour call
This was the first time hearing your voice in 6 months
You said my name like old times
Like we never ended
We talked effortlessly
But only about your wants and needs
That is what I've always been here for right
Your call was nothing more than an attempt for a late night hookup
But for me it was a slap to the face
The sound of your voice hit me like a ******* train
A repercussion of memories appeared stronger than ever
Does it bring you pleasure to trifle with my feelings
I tell myself to hate you
But you know more than anyone that will never happen
Because I am wrapped around your finger
Not knowing how to set myself free

I see myself through your eyes
I do not blame you for wanting that slender frame I will never be
That natural beauty you seek when you concentrate on my bland features
You crave getting lost in a mesmerizing smile when all I offer you is a mediocre expression
You wonder if the next will captivate you with a charm I was never able to accomplish

Do you compare me as I compare myself
In my eyes they are far more desirable than I ever will ever be
Do our eyes witness the same insecure girl

12
It was a simple number that meant something to you
And I admired that
You memorized it and it was yours everyday
May 12
You didn't text
You didn't call
You knew
You had to know it was part of our everyday routine
The one person I wanted a birthday wish from
I constantly checked my phone
And I was constantly let down
It hurt me even though I'm the reason we ended
A simple happy birthday

I am risky but not in the way you think
I spend most of my time in my mind
Thinking of scenarios that will never happen
Living a made up life that is unobtainable
I do not deserve that life
And that will never change
But spending time in that place is risky
Almost dangerous
With all the negativity
I should be avoiding my mind
But I am ****** into its trap
It tortures me by dangling the perfect normal life in front of me
Only to light it on fire
Worsening my depression

My wrists ache
They ache as tears flow from tired eyes
My chest hurts
It hurts from lack of air, too much air all at once
My heart beats the faintness of beats
It beats with no purpose
My thoughts have been overcome
Overcome with sadness
I am weak and only becoming weaker
There is not enough strength in me to carry on

I write to you often, I have multiple goodbye letters
Expressing the the things I was never able to say
How I actually started falling for you
Saw a future with you, I regret not letting you know that you meant something to me.
I also write letters of hate towards you, asking why you chose me, was I a joke to you, did you just want me for lust, was it all a lie.
I write you letters on how much I miss you, even though you hurt me I still miss you.

I write to you with no intention of ever showing you

You are
The influence to my writings
Creator of my sadness
Author of my heartbreak
My muse for it all

my body has often been the conversation towards explicitly

my body has been the conversation for my mother
telling me a guy my age will be intimidated they will never like me or how she could take me to Vegas or the corner to make money

my body has been the conversation of men
at the age of eleven being cat called as a twenty year old
in the 6th grade having boys grab me or look under my skirt

my body has been the conversation of teachers and peers
not being allowed to were similar clothing due to my curves
"it may be distracting to others" they say
"what size are those things" from my classmates

my body has been the conversation many times
it no longer feels like mine to claim

They have only ever wanted me for one thing my whole life
I have closed myself off and made myself unapproachable
I am emotionless and resent having feelings thinking they are wrong
Because they have only ever wanted one thing
Till this day they only want one thing
Never giving me true affection
Just one thing
But I give in because that is all I ever did

It amazes me how easily you lie
It  has become fluent to you
A second language you have perfected
Every word spoken with smooth deception
Were your lies so absolute that I fell for them
or was I to blind to notice the obvious?

Putting you through this is not worth it
You already have to much to worry about
I'll just make things worse
You see what I want you to see
And that's what you want
But that's not the real me
You would never be able to handle the real me
My breakdowns
My constant isolation
My negativity
My sadness and tears at @2 am
The never ending pain
Trust me I'm saving you the time
I'm not worth it

The mind is powerful
It can be an inventor
A doctor
An artist
The list is neverending
But my mind is different than most
It is the master of twisting happiness into sadness
Love into hate
Light to dark
Joy into pain
It enjoys watching me suffer
It thrives on my misery

I ask you "what is love, explain it to me"
Not trying to be taunting
But because I've never experienced it
I want you to explain the feelings and emotions you encounter
The thoughts that swirl in your love drunk mind

Distressed with enough built up pain to hurt any who come near
Sobbing from dusk to dawn at the conclusion I will never be able to accomplish happiness
When others are deep in slumber I demand for it to end
Or wishing it never began
Yearning to feel that pain to divert the hidden pain
Content with the thought of vanishing without a trace