Maybe it's the blood
Maybe it's the scar
Maybe it's the gap
Or the bar

That led me back
To this place of insanity
I am a wrenched soul
Among humanity

For I know what I do
And how it hurts others
But I am a selfish *******
So I keep on until dusk it smothers

DECEMBER DREAMS**

December dreams spiral
thru the whiffs of smoke,
emanating from forest hidden Cherokee homes.
They pirouette the way notes
imagine Lester Young’s
tenor music to be;
the way Blue Jays flap
while protecting their territory.
~~~
The Eastern mountains,
snow covered and brown,
rise gently as I walk
yet provide glimmers of ancient valleys
carved out by receding ice.
There is the feel of human destiny
washing me as a breeze
sings thru wild peach trees;
And a breeze lifting sharp talon hawks
with its hunting melodies
carrying the owl's secrets
thru even more exotic landscapes.
~~~
Over looking the Talamaque River,
I rest on the brown
frozen earth becoming
lost in ancestor dreams.
I can see the blood flowing west.
I feel the tears soaking the ground
where Dogwood now grows.
And Grandfather speaks to me
with a warm sun in the ‘long ago tongue’:
“Redzone, it is good to
have these memories.
To remember the trees
the bear and the chic-a-dee.
One day, May will arrive with the morning crows
and Turtle will once again discuss
constellations with the Moon.
Our people, will no longer be forgetful
of who we are and how far we have to go."
~~~
December dreams spiral
thru whiffs of smoke
and Lester Young plays
with the flapping Blue Jays.

~~Aztec Warrior/redzone 12.15.01~~
(written after finishing a collection of poems
by Ron Welburn called “Coming Through Smoke
and the Dreaming”)

Words wandered to express your charm
Poem could not portray your smile
Sonnet sauntered resetting the rhyme to your tune
Acrostics acquired feelings to fill out your name.
Free verse flied away fluttering it's words
Knowing it's about you. About you.
Ineffable beautiful soul.

They finally told me you know.
About what you became.
It took them awhile.
Every time I asked about you they said you were well.
fine.
moved on.
hid it from me.
I wouldn't have the right reaction.

They said you drove to their house drunk.
Brought our daughter with you.
They watched her play
while you ****** some stranger.

Well.
She isn't mine anymore.
I was a stand in stepdad at best.
She isn't yours anymore either.
you Told me,
her, your mother
you wished she was gone.
That she was such a burden.
You wanted to be free.

Your mother was
nice enough to take her off your hands.
the whole time we were together you convinced me your mother was devil.
stealing your baby.
Convincing all you weren't enough to raise a child.
You never told me that when I left,
she'd be right.
That without me, you'd give up.
go back to the trailer life.
The drugs. alcohaul.
Empty whirlwind to try and feel something.
anything.

I wasn't happy when I found out.
You'd think that when you hear
your ex lovers life going down in smoke
you'd be exhilerated.
I'm not... I feel guilty.
For leaving you that way.
you weren't fit to love anyone alone
Not me, your daughter, yourself.
I don't want to see you blackout on pavement
cold, too drunk to drive home.
Throwing up for whole days after ******* strangers for drugs.

When I left you, you refused to drink.
Said, you had an addictive personailty
were avoiding it.

I want to imagine you getting better.
finding the right help...
learning how to raise a child the way that is your own,
but is also healthy, happy.
I gave you both so much time, love, care.
Driving you to the doctors,
her to the playground,
the whole family down to boston for vacation.

you chose this.
Drunk driving from Trip to allyway
Killing yourself on the same street you grew up on.

I wish I had adopted her when you begged me to.
Back when our puppy love blinded us so loudly all we saw was the sun.

You had me convinced I was controlling, jealous.

So I showed you exactlly what happens when I stopped trying to help.
Stopped caring that you were lying.
Gave you all the space you needed to
be free.

I was hoping on some level that I was wrong.
That I was controlling. jealous.
just a confused terrible person.
wishing that I was this monster blind guarded by distrust.
But here you are....
Gave up custody.
Picked up a million vices
working at mcdonalds.
I'm happy you feel free.

I'm happy I gave up trying to change you,
it was the healtiest thing i've ever done.

I've never had a regret before.
always owned my descisions.
Preached each and every terrible experence helped shape my charecter.

Until today.
I regret leaving you that little girl.

All the audio recordings of you hitting her, calling her a ****,
telling her she couldn't eat until she stopped crying
All the times I didn't step up and say you were wrong
because I “wasn't her real father”
it “wasn't my place to tell you how to parent”
You "didn't hit her that hard"
all I ever wanted was to raise her right.
To love her.
Give her something constant in her life.

I painted you on such a pedestal just because you gave life.
trapped myself in this hole I labeled love.

I wasn't happy when they told me you lost her.
That you were an alcohaulic.
had given up.

I just regreted ever telling you no.
no I can't adopt Soleil.
I can love her without paper.
No I would never take her away.
I have faith in you.
You'll be an amazing mother.
Just believe in yourself.

Maybe if you listened to me.
you'd still have her.
be alive.
Free.

There is nothing like feeling lost
You have this place where you feel empty
You try to be found at any cost

Sometimes you feel like you've been tossed
You always feel so lonely
There is nothing like feeling lost

You feel cold and you just want to defrost
This feeling can be very deadly
You try  to be found at any cost

When someone pities you, you feel crossed
Even though they are just trying to be friendly
There is nothing like feeling lost

You just want to be stopped being glossed,
Over, you've thought about it plenty
You try to be found at any cost

You feel all criss-crossed
Your heart feels like it heavy
There is nothing like feeling lost
You try to be found at any cost