Sometimes I listen to the trains go by
And I pretend I jump on one
Not really sure where im going
But that doesn't really matter
Sometimes in this fantasy I worry
Which is ridiculous because it's just a fantasy
You shouldnt have to worry about things you only think about
Right?

Someone once said I was a fanatic of escapism
That I would never find peace if I never stopped moving
But let me ask you;
Can you name a creature that doesn't move?

Trees grow
They shake with the wind, and shower all below them with leaves
Further cementing their carved throne as the elders of our planet

Mushrooms, dogs, lizards, fish
I could name creatures and organisms that 'move' for days
I could give you a fact about each of them
And teach you why darwinism has blessed that specific species with its touch

They said I'm an escapist
Someone who runs from trouble and problems
Or maybe from life itself
Or maybe in circles
I say
When you're a pine tree in a green house there is no such thing as escapism

There's drive to live and acceptance of demise
The only two forms of black and white that's even remotely close to the chessboard you're picturing
My drive to live isn't escapism

So when my branches break your windows,
When my canopy and height topples this ceramic plated greenhouse,
Dont you dare say it was an escape attempt.
I didn't escape. I didn't even leave.
I did as a pine tree does
And I Grew.

I've been thinking a lot lately

In the last few years I've been to two funerals
In the next few years that number could jump to six

So how do you do it?
How does one manage to speak at a funeral?
What do you say to encapsulate the entire lifespan of a human
In just a few sentences?

How am I supposed to be able to talk about all the good and compassionate deeds
While also talking about all the hurtful and venomous actions and words?
And more importantly how do you speak in general?

The last two times, my voice became a snow covered field cricket
I stared at their stone-like, alien faces
And could only focus on the open casket.

I had words to speak, yes
But the dictionary I keep in mind was slammed shut and shoved into a melting iron safe
The absolute SECOND I couldn't recognize who lay before me at first glance.
Did I try to speak?
No
I avoided the tearful, dagger filled looks of the room by my own volition

Maybe it wasn't my place.
Maybe those words weren't meant for me to say in a room full of grieving and tired eyes
But if no one else is capable of speaking the truth no matter how heart-wrenching it may be
Where do those words come from?

I know it'll be my turn to speak one day
And I know on that day my voice will scream and cry
My vocal chords will rip and I will sob more so than I have ever dared to before.

On that day I'll understand how to say goodbye
And how it leads to an acceptable
Goodbye Forever

For eight long years I stood
Unable to see beyond base color, and movement
I'd look at the white fuzz ball in the night sky
And wonder what it looked like in detail

It's happened
I got my assigned looking glass and went out
And as the night air kissed my skin
And the sweet dew on the breeze blessed my lungs
I saw you

A clear cut light bulb
Surrounded by a flooding white light
With hints of blues and greens tussling the cloudscape

You wore a crown better than any I've ever had the blessing to see
And gracefully and silently you hovered
Clearing the way for your astronomical war path of silent and peaceful soft light.

I decided to have fun.
That it was going to be a good night
No matter what the cost was
I stitched this vague and improbable idea into a battle flag
And charged into the tar pit riddled with energy of every variety

In doing so
I barged out of my mind
I charged the locked door located in front of my ear
And pryed the lock off with my bare hands

I didnt at first
At first I ran in circles
I ran into walls
I punched indestructible windows and mirrors until my knuckles bleed bone

But there's always new tactics being formed in life
New power and possibilities to explore and devour
And now that I've found the door
I can capture the world
And drag it back to my Temple
Kicking and screaming.

Once my skin tasted warm daylight
I vowed to never let the sun set on me again.
So, barefoot, and frantically shrieking in a panic
I chased behind

I caught up
And past. To enjoy the warm day

But the sun cooked my skin, charring it to black flakes that drifted aimlessly in the breeze
Leaving my bleached and wrinkled flesh showing for the birds hovering overhead
Revealing my humanity to be food for the birds circling above me like a halo
The birds
The birds
The ******* BIRDS.

I fell under the suns spell
I chased it until my bones cracked and shattered
And my skin peeled back from my soul.
I chased it until my parched throat could no longer remember what my voice sounded like
I chased it until my ***** feet bled, and my legs muscles exploded from sheer over use

And its curse melted into my skull
I was fed to those who knew better than to chase such an impossible object
I was fed to those winged rats just as many before me have
I was fed to the sun's own messengers

The ice of winter grew thick
Encasing the world in a slippery custom made glass case
And stopping everything in its tracks
I sent my heart and soul North
Hoping to mitigate the damage to self
Until the ice thawed

But it never did
As time marched forward it became clear by the thickening of the shining hardened plastic suffocating the earth and plants

There would be no thaw
And now, encased in the ice myself
I can only wonder what my wandering and uplifted spirit can do without me

Forced to be an observer from a distance
I sob over my own hollowed out remnants of the future and present
I weep for each laugh and giggle missed by my soul
I shed a tear for every day I miss and every milestone I won't see

If this was the right decision, I desperately wish I could be a selfish version of myself

If this was the right decision why does my bleeding heart scream at me in pure agony

If this was the right decision why does it hurt this much to be right