the worst thing you ever did to me
was give me hope again,

only to take it back
when you were not bored anymore

maybe you love her
even when you say you don’t
and maybe you miss her
in every way when you’re alone
but tell me why
when you hold me close,
for a second, i believe
you love me the most.

i don’t like to dream
because when i do
i dream of you
and you being in my dreams
will cause my head
to be full of you
and when you are in my head
i can fall asleep at night
probably thinking of you
so when your memories
flatter my conscience
my conscience
will choose you
to dream of tonight
and that maybe
in a perfect world
you dream of me too

is it your mind
that wraps itself around
the desire you have
to love
and be loved in return
or is it your heart
that still believes in fairytales
and fools you
to invest
all your strength
into a love
that will never ever last
but either one
is just as bad
because both of them
will leave you  
just as broken
as you began.

What if
I had fallen to my knees
On the cold parking lot concrete
Tears washing over my cheeks
And cries no one should ever have to hear
Bellowing out from beneath my ribs
Screaming at the sky
Looking up at your face
Forcing you
(and everyone else)
To see me in this godforsaken state
Of absolute chaos
Heartbreak
In it's rawest form
What if I had begged you to stay?
What if I'd told you I can't do this without you?
What if I'd told you how much I needed you
What if I did anything other than fighting back the tears
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Mostly for the crowd of people gathering
Saying their goodbyes
Anxiously looking around to bear witness to everyone else's reactions
And I didn't want to be that girl
That girl who falls to the ground
Kicking and screaming and crying and begging
But what if I was?
What if I was any girl other than the one I pretended to be that day
The one that held her tongue and kept her mouth shut because she knew the second she opened it to speak she would sob
The one that wrapped her arms around you for the last time,
and the one that let go
The one that couldn't bear to watch you walk away
So she kissed you goodbye
Got back in the car
And drove home
What if i wasn't that girl who didnt allow herself to completely fall apart until she was alone in the privacy of her own home?
What if instead I'd made a scene,
Doing what everything inside me so desperately wanted to
Grabbing hold of your hand and refusing to let go
Losing the facade of confidence
The charade of strength
But I'm not that girl
And I never will be
So each and every time you leave
I kiss you goodbye
I unclench my fists and retract my anchors
I untether my heart from it's human home
And I put on a brave face
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Or maybe
For that girl.

the most difficult fact
of it all
is that
even though
they treat you so poorly
you still want them.

the moment
your heart
pounds in pain
because of the way
they refuse to love you
is the exact moment
you need to stand up,
walk out

and find someone who will.