sea waves blue, smooth as a silk sheet are
gently lapped by chilly December air
my skin prickles as the air leaves
goosebumps on my bare arms. i try to
ignore them as the frosty gale bites into my clothless skin.

boats are tethered to shore, no longer
roaming far at sea, they have a home at least
though only temporary, but a safe sanctuary. i wonder
where the people are, perhaps safe and warm and cozy
in the comfort of their fireplaces and families.

i lay down on the barren grass,  now mere stubs that too
***** my skin, they were once lively and green under the shade of a once blooming tree,
now limbless and leafless,
a mere trunk of wood that stands stubbornly on a patch of forgotten ****.

as nighttime falls the boat lights come on, setting patches
of deep blue ablaze, like a fire it spreads and spreads until
you can no longer see the depths of aquamarine,
and maybe just maybe pretend to yourself that they
never even existed.

maybe grass needs to be barren before spring brings shrubs and
trees decapitated before they can bloom again,
maybe matches need to be lit
and places burnt to ashes
before the past can fall away like a brittle husk.

I look up to the cloud-filled sky, blue dotted with specks of white and
perhaps there is no heaven beyond those clouds,
no god near welcoming doors, and
if all prayers are just a shout into the empty void
then perhaps all we can do is
shout.

When the sun came up, I fell asleep
When I closed my eyes, I danced in my dreams
I climbed up to the clouds and watched them weep
And I thought my heart would burst at the seams
When the sun came, I heard Mama leave
I called her name but I was lost at sea
If she could hear, I'd tell her not to grieve
Maybe the clouds would ask her to forgive me
When the sun came up, I'd fallen too deep
The wings I'd built fell down so listlessly
I felt my feet take such a leap
But down came the cage, Mama set me free
When the sun came up, there it was
The cold, cold bed where I lay meting
And around it voices fell down in a heap
Melting ***, what sweet wonders you reap
When the sun came up, I wouldn't give in
I twirled and leaped down the mountain stream
Up above, there wasn't much I couldn't be
And all my eyes saw, was much too sweet
When the sun came up, there were many things
My mind was split, there was sorrow, there was glee
The world had another day to see
But it didn't matter, I had fallen asleep

I told myself i didn't want to write about you anymore
But i cant lie, you've shook me to my core
You'll look deep in my eyes
And then your mouth will spit even more lies
I try to run away from you
We both know, you'll just leave me broken and blue
I try so hard to disconnect
It feels like i haven't slept
Don't pretend to love me
We both know, we could be meant to be.

No one rules the world forever
It is you today may be soon my time is coming over.
At those times Unlike you i will be sober
We will meet again when its my turn and your time is over.

I have been thinking a lot about breaking-up. Not because I no longer love you, but as a defense mechanism. To protect me from decaying from the inside out. I am tired, tired of feeling scared and small. A thing you have rather than someone you consciously want to fight for. A thing. It is most likely all my own fault. My own insecurities eating away at memories, words and smiles that don't quite meet your eyes. I feel transparent. Enough to disappear for a while. I wonder if you would miss me or if it would be temporary relief somehow? You love me, I know, but I feel edges starting to fray. Constantly put down. Why do I keep feeling like nothing I do will ever be good enough? I love you too. But I fear I hold you back. Make you miss out on the life you had envisioned for yourself in my mind. You are too much to lose. And, so I never quite say goodbye.

What does that say about us?