I have yet to say that word to you
I am cautious
because last time I said those words
they were not true
and you are too perfect
for that perfect line
to be untrue
But
I love you
I love the way your eyes are like the colors blue and green are fighting for the spotlight
I love the way those eyes look at me and give me comfort
yet have the ablility to light a fire inside me that roars uncontrollably and refuses to go out
I love the way your lips move on my body in ways of innocence and passion
I love the way those lips speak words to me that lift me up or make me melt
I love your body and the way mine can fall into the rythm of yours
I love that you love something much greater than yourself
I love your mind because it is so wildly beautiful
Lastly
I love how our souls run together
and when I'm with you I feel whole

I remember everything
Even the things I don't want to remember
They come rushing back
and punch me in the face
It paralizes me mometarily
and makes me think
No wonder
it makes me wonder why
and how
and even what-if
I kept your memories in a box
in my closet
You threw mine away
with no care in the world
I wanted them back
and now they are thrown away like trash
Maybe you don't think of me
because you threw away my memories
So maybe when I rid of yours
those insulting memories will go away as well

You'll always love someone else
never me.
"I like her"
it breaks my heart
                            Every
                                      ****
                                                   Time
So why do I allow my heart to skip a beat for you
when yours never skips a beat for mine.

Are you okay? he asks
Yea. I reply

Why do I lie to the one I trust the most
The one I love the most

I know I am hurting him deep down inside
but I guess it's the way it will always be
because you're so far away
and living a new life
and loving a new love

How do I describe to you the pain and fear
the fear that I will let down every one who is important to me Again
and the pain of being hated or left out
the pain of feeling like I drove him to his new irresponsible self

How
How do I tell you

How do I tell the one who is already here for me
how I need you more

How I need my world back

That these are just excuses so you will comfort me

How how how

How will I ever tell you
No, I am not okay.

Why is it that I still think of you
when you wronged me so.
Why is it that I worry about you
when you don't worry about yourself.
Why is it that I still care about you
when you don't care about yourself.
Why is it that I am writing this poem about you
when I ended things.
I moved on.
You did not.
I moved on yet I still think about you.
Not the positives.
Far from the positives.
I think of all of the negatives.
(which were most of the times)
I see you with her
and I wonder if it it real
or just a rebound from me.
I will never know
because the way you treat me hurts.
Yes, I moved on.
But being hated hurts.
How do you go from being strangers
to lovers
to strangers again.
How do you grow a hate so strong for a girl you once loved?
When I see you with her
I wonder.
I wonder about the way you describe me
what you say about me
about the past.
Why is it that I still think about you
when I never cross your mind.
Why is it that I moved on
and you literally moved on.
Do you still think about me?
If so how?
Do you think of the good?
Or do you think of the bad?
(which you shouldn't
I never did anything to you
it was all you.)
All I want to know is
why I think of you
and the past
and the bad
and the what-ifs
(even though I know it would be bad)
Do you think of me
when you see me?
Do you think of the way you treated me
the tears shed
the fights
the way you wronged me
the 10 wasted months?
Or do you think about the way I broke your heart?
I just want to know.
I want to know how you feel about me
how you felt that night.
Did you cry?
Did you speed home?
Did you change?
I know you changed
not for the better like I
but you changed.
I wish I knew why
why I still think of you.

Never in a million years would I have thought that I’d be without you.
Living without you.
Growing without you.
Being without you by my side for every step and every breath I take.
You were supposed to be my first EVERYTHING!
My first date.
My first teenage “love”.
My first kiss..
The first person I drove when I got my license.
You weren’t supposed to be the boy 500 miles away.
You were supposed to be the boy who looked out for me.
The one who held me tight as we danced the night away.
That talked me out of dating that stupid boy who only wanted one thing.
Then made sure that my heart never got broken and if it did you would take care of it.
That I didn’t cry on my Sweet 16 or the days leading up to it because of one stupid boy that I thought I loved.
You were supposed to be the one that I came to that summer night in tears.
You should have hugged me and told me I made the right choice and it would all be okay.
Instead I called you crying and you listened to me for half an hour as I tore your heart into pieces.
I’m sorry for breaking your heart those 8 months, trust me, it broke mine too.
Never would I have imagined in a million years that we would have fought so much and you would have been right in the end.
Never would I have imagined your first love not being me.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
You should have been here.
To see me run.
To see me swim.
To see my world come crashing down.
To see me almost quit and give it all up.
You should have been there to tell me I’d get back and it would be okay.
To tell me that the pain would go away and to chase my dreams.
It shouldn’t be this hard.
I should see you everyday.
I should not see you once every few years, if I’m lucky.
Never would I have imagined that cold November day in 5th grade would impact my life this much.
Never would I have imagined going through school alone without you by my side.
Never would I have imagined not knowing what your house looked like.
What your room looked like.
What your house smelled like.
Or if I were still taller than you.
The only first you may ever be is the boy who will tell me I’m beautiful and in return I will believe you.
But for now, you are my first true love as well as my first heartbreak.

like the flower picked for its beauty,
i am the one left behind.
the one that is not perfect.
not good enough to take home to your mom.
to show off.
or be proud of.
i grow more beautiful and stronger each day.
leaving you speechless in the end.