Alvira Perdita

Alvira Perdita Apr 2021

needing 2 shots of whisky after a perfectly lovely lunch.

when we sit in the shade
from the burning sun on the
autumn afternoon, listening
to the children hunt for eggs,
all i can think is that you all
belong here.

i am the imposter, i can feel that they know. your jokes are all funny and i can't find the energy to laugh.

i don't want to be here, i hate 'family lunch'es, i hate pretending to be alright when i just want to sit in my room, alone.

family is always priority for me,
but i cannot place them in my life.
so we sit, laughing with all your loved ones,
and i pretend not to feel alone.

i dont think i'll see 2022 if things carry on this way.

#family #easter #alone #depression #away #lonely #homesick #lovedones #dying #demons

Alvira Perdita Jan 2020

drowning

above the ceiling is lit with bright lights that surround me,
the crowds around are gathered together, talking in
excited tones that pass my ears without reaching me.

can they not see that i am drowning?
i stand in the centre of the room, screaming for help
but they can't hear me, they don't notice or they don't care

my lungs are imploding, i can feel the weight crushing
every inch of my insides. nobody has looked at me yet.
i don't believe that they can't see me, it's impossible.

he extends a hand, holding it casually as though i'm not flooded
he says "just breathe, everything will be okay."
he doesn't understand that if i take a breathe, i will drown

i close my eyes, i can hear them now
"everything will be okay" they're repeating to me
i can read in their faces that they don't understand why i don't just breathe

i'm trying to breathe but it's become impossible and
all i can do is ask for death
but i'm not that lucky

since dad died everyone is giving me space, and i don't think it's what i need and i'm honestly starting to forget what it feels like to want to be alive and these days all i can do is just wish that it will all end. i don't want this life any more, i don't want this pain and i don't want to be alone anymore.

#depression #depressed #suicidal #suicide #pleaseletmego #death #drowning

Alvira Perdita Dec 2018

witches burn

i am a wooden cross
with a young girl strapped to
my chest. she is crying, i can
feel the fear, her desperation , running
through her body, thrashing as
she tries to break free of the bonds.

'are you a witch?' they ask her,
the crowd standing in front is
staring at her, waiting on her
next words. she weakly denies but
they are angered and feel defied.

at the bottom of my body, beneath
her feet, lies kindle and they touch
a burning torch to the loose straw and
immediately it flares up into flames,
beginning to burn my base.

the girl screams out, she doesn't deserve this,
she never wanted any of this. 'witch, witch' the
crowd chants as the fire crawls up my structure.

i can feel her fear as she tries to break free, the fear
grips my soul and there is nothing that i can do
but to hold her in place as she burns for crimes
that she did not commit.

i still have questions of my own.

#burning #witch #death #****** #sinner #sinning #fire #noescape

Alvira Perdita Dec 2018

old habits.

old habits approach me like dealers
in the darkness. their faces hidden by shadow,
their intentions vivid as they whisper
wonderful promises of release,
of escape and of freedom.

i tell them no, push them away,
i attempt to stray towards the light.
they grab my wrist and spin me around,
holding tight as they look me in they eyes
and whisper "you're not going anywhere".

i try to hold out, but the fear is building
up inside, and i'm not sure if i am strong enough
to fight back, to win this constant battle.
i want to scream for help, i want to cry out
in desperation, but i am drowning.

#depression #habit #habits #oldhabits #badhabits #depressed #drowning #pleasehelpme

Alvira Perdita Nov 2018

can i go back in time and say no?

false ideas and hopes
thrown into one simple decision
that was supposed to make
things better; it was
supposed to make things
better.

instead of feeling like
i'm constantly drowning
in my home town, i've moved
across the country and
now i'm suffocating under
day to day life and the
fact that things
have so far only
been getting
worse.

please make it stop.
make everything stop.

#life #depression #anxiety #adulthood #debt #broke #scared #depressed

Alvira Perdita Oct 2018

can you hear it?

can you hear it? the scratching,
itching that's constantly wanting
to escape the confines of my brain.

can you hear it? the eternal screams
that i'm holding back, swallowing
and trying to suffocate.

can you hear it? the ticking of time
passing with nothing changing as
each day swings.

can you hear it? my last threads
of sanity slowly escaping my grasp,
knowing that there's so space left for it.

#depression #anxiety #sadness #fear #sanity #caged #dying

Alvira Perdita Sep 2018

temporary.

it's just temporary, but the feeling
is sticking with me through day
and night.

it's just temporary, but drowning
for days on end makes me feel
like i'm slowly fading.

it's just temporary, but i want to
feel alive, i want to crave life,
i want to live.

nobody said it would be easy, but nobody warned me of how difficult it could be.

#depression #anxiety #depressed #alone #sad #sendhelp