She hits the bottle
like she’s playing blackjack
Always wanting more
And inevitably losing it all

She stands in the remains
Of the destruction she’s caused
Filled with regret
Finding salvation
At the bottom of a glass

Coming home jubilant
To speak of all her successes
And all I hear is a buzz
The slurs in her speech
And lose sight of all else

Hearing loosely threaded stories
From that point on
Trying to find the holes
Where the honesty shines through
Knowing she’s far too happy
To be telling the truth

Filled with self loathing
Reeking of liquid courage
Losing her grip on what lies
She’s told before

She loops
And falters
At which point
I close my ears and walk away
Not wishing to waste my time
On tall tales and a tossup
No matter which side the coin lands
I’ve lost myself
In this battle with your illness

Lighting the candle at both ends
Watching the slow burn of the fuse
Waiting for the inevitable explosion
The one that blew our world apart
Leaving me seemingly lifeless
Hanging on by the ventricles of my heart
Shrapnel in every part of me
Attempting to inch my way
away from you
Without you noticing
Before you can stop me
With your empty promises
And never ending lies
That I fall for every time
Piecing myself together
And finding some solid ground
Learning how to move forward
From the destruction
in which I was starting to drown
Wondering
If we’re as toxic as everyone says
Or if upon introspection
We might be even worse
How do I sever these ties
Knowing that love is not enough
To save a sinking ship.

Finding it difficult
to find myself able
to have faith in you
anymore.

Every sentence
laced with lies
lost in loathed
lipstick.

There once was a time
where I took your
words as an oath
never to be broken
and thought the
truth never omitted.

Here I lie in the aftermath
shown the truth to be set free
shell shocked and shattered.

Meeting secretly
Stolen kisses
The thrill of being caught
Hiding in corners
Finding time between time
Any minute we could have
Was enough to explore
Share stories of our lives
Make this love deeper
Almost instantly
They say love at first sight
And I believe
Not because of physical attraction
It’s all in the eyes
Pupils dialate and hearts race
To the sound of the others breath
We escape this place
Where we only have moments
Finding a world
Where forever is possible
Never having to worry again
Taking my hand without fear
Knowing I will always have you near

Awake in pain
My body in the midst
Of fight or flight
And I choose to fight
This crippling anxiety
That has caused me to flee
For years I’ve lost count of
Remembering my childhood
Crying incessantly
But never knowing why
My heart would not stop racing
Now I know the truth
But I must state
Awareness never makes this easier
Feeling the panic swell
Gripping my muscles
Frozen
Flooding my brain
With unwelcomed memories
I believed I’d pushed past
Buried in the depths of my mind
Waiting for the moment
When my defenses were lowered
The minute I close my eyes to rest
The second I decided it was time
To shut off for the day
My stress picks up the signal
And shakes me loose
From my restful sleep

Discretely
Following
Activities posted
Dialing your numbers
Blocking my own
Hanging up
Just after you answer
Long enough
To hear your voice
The memories flood
Of all the times
You’d greet me fondly
Back when you treasured
My existence
This light and energy
Which has dissipated
Since you’ve gone
Lost in the translation
Of goodbyes
The idea
That you never
Want to see me again
Not of any fault of my own
But because you’ve found another
Someone
Who makes you shine
Without trying
As oppose to someone
Who spent every minute
Exhausting options
Trying to make you smile
As I reach your door
I realize
I can’t bring my finger
To your bell
Leaving you content
Hoping someday
You see what I was worth
Call me
Without hanging up
Just to talk
Explain
What went wrong
Find the cure
To the poison that filled us
The one
That caused us to separate
Melting us into nothingness
Leaving me searching
For the pieces
To begin to repair us
Without your help
Or awareness
No permission needed
Because I am convinced
That once you see the big picture
You will come back
And thank me
For all of the effort...

Our lips are touching
But my mind is drifting
To everything but you
In these moments of truth
I have no proof
No hopeless devotion
Or strings of emotion
One foot out the door
Pedal to the floor
I’m counting the steps
No thoughts of regrets
Waiting impatiently
Feigning affections
Knowing my direction
Listening to the beat of my heart
Following the rhythm
Searching for a brand new start
Awaiting the moment
When I have the words
To explain why we need to part
Cowardice in its purest form
Nothing outside of the norm