Staring at the empty bottle
Need another til I waddle
Just enough to let me forget
The day I had was complete ****
I want to quit!

Trapped in four walls,
hammered by orders and calls
until I fall and then more

I still try be strong
but when I hear all day 'you're wrong'
It makes the day too long.
I swear I just don't belong

I walk through the door of my home
around the rooms, alone I roam

greeted always by no one
left to myself to find something fun

What the **** am I doing?
Pursuing a life I want but can't get?
Misconstruing the signs I'm viewing?

I reach for another one
looking at my gun, I wonder
what a ton of fun it would be
to not have to run, or see the sun.
I'd be done! I have no son, or anyone!

Who would miss me?
I'm down on my knees
my only plea is to be free!

I may be in my prime
but I don't have time
to get up and climb out of bed
another day. I'm sick of this ****
Is it such a crime to make it quick
one click, and I'm barely a hick
in the world that kicks me when I'm down?

I dread the day ahead
but if my mother read 'he's dead'
oh the tears she would shed
Seeing my home stained red.

So I lay in bed, eyes wide.
I cried til my eyes dried
No more pride, I tried
and applied to hide
my fears and tears
from my peers
But i have no bride
I'm alone on this ride
So I'll keep drinking my beers
until the day is so unclear
That I can sleep.

I saw the hint of red and blue reflecting off the dark surrounding
Daddy scares Mommy sometimes and she screams
The neighbors don't like the noise so they call

When I turned the corner I saw more cars than usual and a van.
I ran to my home. A yellow line was blocking the door.
I ducked under it.

Mommy was still. Laying down on the floor.
She was drooling blood.
I ran up to her, I shook her, I yelled.

She was cold. Not warm like Mommy's hugs are.
She didn't open her eyes and
I couldn't feel or hear her breathe

A man I didn't know grabbed me.
I scratched his face and kicked his stomach.
He let go and I ran back to Mommy

"Mommy, I'm sorry I took candy from the jar and lied"
"I pushed a boy at school today and I'm sorry!"
"I didn't do my homework yesterday Mommy"

Why didn't she say anything?
Was she mad at me?

Two more men I didn't know grabbed me.
They took me away from my home.

"Did Daddy leave me too?"

I'm a bad kid.

I.
You are perfect!
Body created by an artist
It's so cute the way you're picky about food and
you try to be healthy and active but
you drink and smoke.
Haha, you always make me laugh!

II.
Wow, is this really happening?
We finally kissed!
You must really like me too!
You actually want to keep going?
Oh My God! You look better Naked than I imagined.
I could lay next to you like this every night.

III.
So you don't want to be with me?
Got it.
No, no, it makes sense.
Yeah, I totally understand!
I'll be fine, it's no big deal, really.
I said I really liked you, but I didn't mean it either.

IV.
I don't understand.
Where did I go wrong?
Why am I not good enough?
I don't even know what I could do different.
If I ask I seem 'desperate'
Have I done this to someone before?

While I'm so worried about who is being cruel to me and why,
I forget to look in the faces of those I've wronged.

Two ******* in my face
Flat, perky, soft--don't matter
Hide myself in ***

How can you crave me
Then never want to see me
Am I just that bad?

I fall on my face
Don't ask if I'm okay, just
pick up and hug me

It's not that I don't want to live
And find out who my wife will be
Or see my children born
And raise them to be just like me

It's not that I don't love my friends
or hate the adventures and company
They numb the pain and heartache
Even though it's temporary

I know my siblings, my parents,
grandparents, hell my whole family
will cry and weep at my funeral
and the news of "A Self Hanging"

I understand I'm not bad
I know that they love me
It's not about being hated
Or thinking I'm not worthy

I just want the pain to stop

I don't know when it started
Or what sets it off
Or why I'm weak
Or why I cry myself to sleep

I just want the pain to stop

I feel alone
I know I'm not alone but
Knowledge doesn't **** emotion

But I know what will

I raise my glass
To feel numb one more time
One more time before
I never have to feel

Ever again.

I drop my pack on the desert sand for a seat, resting my rifle across my knees.
Wiping the sand and sweat from my forehead I see you.
I don't know if we've met yet, but you're all I think about.
I take a drink from my hydration pack
The hot water cools my mouth.
I can still smell the smoke from the Humvee.
I can still see the flames but at least the burnt bodies have
disappeared
in the distance.
Stretching my shoulders I go over the mission again in my head.
If I complete the mission I might live another day
unlike my brothers.

Live another day, complete another mission.
Live another day, complete another mission.
Live another day, until what?

The cooling, resting idea of death is gripping
I take another sip of water.
Holding up my rifle I peer through the scope for a quick perimeter check.
Nothing in site.

If I complete this mission, I might see you.
I won't see my friends
I won't see my brothers
They're dead.
I might see you tho
Are you real?

Complete the mission for
Fear?
Revenge?
Honor?
Duty?
Conceptual.
So are you.

Death is Tangible,
I can already feel it.

Death ceases the
explosions
Fires
Gun shots
Dead brothers
Blood
So much blood

I can start to see your silhouetted figure in the hot desert air.
Just a mirage,
Making something so illusive look tangible.

I don't know your
hair color
height
favorite movie
or even your name

Still you consume my vision

I may or may not have even met you
And yet I keep fighting for you

I swing my pack across my shoulders and my muscles wince.
I pick up my gun, and checking my GPS I start walking again.
I don't know if I'll make it to you
I'll probably suffer the fate of my brothers
But only then will fate have stopped me

So I carry on the mission, with only your mirage as a companion

I not only liked
but I admired who you are
It didn't matter

Turn the corner
Hand tenses
Looking down the iron sights I see an object fall
"Tango down" I call over the radio
what was his name? Tango, Threat, Terrorist, doesn't matter.
Explosion
Mud brick wall vaporized into dust
Keep going
Out of breathe
Keep going
Hand tenses
"Tango down"
Does it have kids? A Family? Threat eliminated
Round the corner
Hand tenses
"Three tangos on west building roof top"
Bullets from my brothers **** by my helmet
Return fire
"Take Cover!"
Sweat drenched face fogs up my goggles
Explosion
Brick pieces pummel my back
Ears ringing, faintly hearing
"Alpha down, Medic!"
Blurred vision, equilibrium thrown off
Raise my rifle
Hand tenses
Silhouette falls
"Medic!" heard faintly
Hand tenses
"Are you okay?" sounds distant
Hand tenses
"babe?" getting louder
Hand tenses

Hand tenses

Wake up
Sheets heavy with sweat
"Babe, are you ok?"
Throwing the blankets I jump back to the edge of the bed
Her frightened face
I've seen before
I look down
Hands tense
Same look, no tangos
No threats
Just Ghosts

How far does God plan?

My eyes flicker open to consciousness and the smell of stale blood and defecation.

'God Always has a plan.'

I heard that a hundred times in Church as a child. Peering through the threads of a faceless bag I see my crucifix still clutched in my shackled numb hand.

Did I not say enough 'Hail Mary's'?
Did I not confess enough sins?

The echoing screams from the other side of the wall have faded away. Creeping ever closer. That one sounded like...maybe Johnson? Or Sapp?

'In God We Trust' my ***. Prayer has left me here to fade away with the screams of my brothers. Inaction masked by faith and misplaced hope. They say there are no atheists in a foxhole. No one counted the atheists in a prison cell.

I count them by their screams.

Forcing my hand open I drop the crucifix. It splashes in a puddle of grimy sweat and blood and lands on top of my dog tags.

God's plan got me here, it's time for my plan.

A room
Full of flowers

Roses
Lillies
Sunflowers

Would not look as

Vibrant
Delicate
Captivating

nor smell as

Sweet
Intoxicating
Seductive

I am bullied, for I am small,
He is praised, for he is tall.
He thinks he's better than me, because he is
And I am losing, for the game is his.
Although it's close, he laughs in my face,
But I'll win; I'll beat him, some other time or place.

I practice, as hard and as much as I can
For when I beat him, I will be the man.
They'll stop praising him, and they'll praise me,
For at that moment, I will be better than he.
I'll finally wipe his winning streak clean,
And that will pay him back for being mean.

Today is it, game day, my day, D-day.
Today, I, by myself will leave him in disarray.
His souped up baller verse my new one,
But he'll be upset when it's all said and done.
The game progresses, this could be it!
At the buzzer, it's up, it's in, I really did it!

I've never seen him so mad and *******
As when he pressed the reset button and turned the console off.
My practice, my progression, my game! it's all gone.
That's it, I won't play anymore, I'm done!
I'll get him anyhow, you'll see, oh boy!
But since I'm no man, I"ll go play with my other toys.

Prologue: People have their own sneezes and that is surely fine, but you need these top-notch instructions for a faultless sneeze. I will instruct you on the fine art of how to make everyone in the room feel badly for not saying "Bless you!" You will find the results of your new sneeze to be utterly awesome. People will enjoy hearing you sneeze and wonder how you perfected such a basic  human function. You will love your "after" sneeze and wonder how you could ever live with your "before" sneeze. Be an "after" and stay an "after!"

STEP 1: Start by breathing heavily. Gasp for air, inhale deeply. Don't make your peers think you are merely snorfling. Don't make them think you're some kind of schmuck. You want to sneeze like royalty. Take in that breath and inhale proudly.

STEP 2: Rise a little, maybe even stand up, to open up the lungs.

STEP 3: Let it loose, make it loud and sneeze with gusto. Make your sneeze noticeable to otherwise oblivious teachers who only notice wrong answers and very obvious text messaging during class time. Make your sneeze a TRUE distraction.

STEP 4 : Before anyone says a thing, bless yourself as if no one is there, as if you were in your room all alone int he dark of the shadows where the sound of the bed creaking scares you half to death. Where the thing under your bed says means things to you while you try to drift off to sleep--where loneliness and death meet and...sorry. I got carried away. To recap step four, talk to yourself. Refer to suggestions below.

STEP 5: If no one speaks, begin to cry. Moan and wail. Wonder aloud why no one takes the moment to wish you well in your time of need.

IN CONCLUSION: If none of this works to gain you attention, the ******* down and call me Sally. It's time to choose new classmates. By golly, they must be the most putrid thing any baby spit up if they don't' stop for a second and wish you a very bless-ed life from here on out.

SUGGESTIONS BELOW:
"Achoo! Excuse me, bless me."
"Hachoooo! Gesundheit."
"Achew! Bless my soul."

Warning: Sneezes have been known to spread disease. Sneeze responsibly!