Confined to the four walls of my room,
Lost without you,
Locked away in my self made tomb.
Crying into my pillow
Til its tear stained on both sides,
Knowing that that was our last goodbye.
I miss you.
There is nothing left to do but
Reminisce you,
And I intend to.
You were my ******.
And when I was down,
You were my heroine.
But now that well is dry,
So I drown my sorrows in *****
And all I do is cry.
I don't know why you left me,
But it makes sense;
I'm depressing, you see.
But it's okay because
I have a lot of time alone,
To think of where I first went wrong.
But you're all I seem to want,
You're all I ever think of,
And your presence haunts my thoughts.

I remember when i found out
my heart had left my body and my hands were trembling

I remember when you were my best friend and we were inseparable

I remember making forts together with the basement cushions

I remember dancing through the days with the top hits of 2002

I remember when you started staying out all night and sneaking in 

I remember when you changed your friends

I remember when your eyes didn’t look the same

I remember when you showed me a green plant

I remember when you showed me a small pill
I remember when I took drugs with you
and we danced through the day just like old times

I remember when you were dragged down the hallway by your hair
and all I could see was your feet flailing
and all i could hear was your piercing screams

I don’t remember you for fourteen months

until you came back for thanksgiving

I remember your eyes didn’t look the same

I remember your voice was different 

I remember your legs looked like small branches
and your cheeks were sunken in

I don’t remember you for two months

I remember when you went away
and you said you were going to get better

I remember before you left
we laid in my bed
and you showed me your scars
and told me your stories

I remember you looked me in the eyes and told me everything was going to be okay

I remember you crying through the nights
taking endless cold water baths
and throwing up until the sun came up

I remember the day you left and all you wanted to do was smoke one last cigarette

I don’t remember you for three weeks


I remember you when you came back
I remember you gained weight

I remember you looked healthy

I remember you glowing with beauty

I remember my mom finding a spoon in the drawer of the bed side table
with burnt cotton

I remember her telling me not to come home because she didn’t want me to be there when she told you to leave

I remember you called me and you cried
and you said sorry to me

I don’t remember you for eighteen months

until you called your dad three days before my birthday
and said you used his insurance for rehab and you needed money for your prescription

I don’t remember you for two months

I remember you at thanksgiving but your mind wasn’t there 
just your body

I’m sure I won’t remember you for another seven months.

With one phone call my world fractured,
a short drive to the ER and it had shattered

Im used to tears and the ever present sadness
But nothing feels as devastating
As the moment I lost you

I stared at you, lying there
Your fingers turning blue
I felt your skin grow cold
I kissed your forehead, your cheek,
Your beautiful blue eyes
Hidden behind lids
never opening again
My tears fell onto your face, in your hair,
They soaked part of your hospital gown
I begged for you to wake up
Please, I pleaded
I couldn't believe that I would never
See you smile, hear your laugh, your voice again.

You fell in love with a monster
And he made you believe
He was all you'd ever need,
With a tiny *****, he took you away from me
This monster stole everything you had
Your little girl, your faith, your family,
Until he took the last thing you could give

I think about those last moments
Before he ****** you all the way in
Were you scared? Alone?
Did you see it coming
Or was it quick?

I met Sally on the hill with a nickel bag of ******.
      She didn't pay me in money.
Instead, information and a little persuasion made the baggie leave my right back pack pocket
     “Dollars could never have made sense of it anyway
          We throw pennies away opting for the opulence that big bills entail
   Retail will never amount to the amount I've blown on blow”
    Or so she said behind Louis Vuitton shades shielding eyes half dead
           A ****** with a monkey on her back fed by a steady stream of opiates
       “I open this line of communication so you can see we lack foundation and stability and yet
      We're trying to build a sand castle with all the powder we can possibly get
And if we're forced to forfeit that fortress, we snort more, still trying to forget” and with that she placed her sunglasses on top of her head

     I stood back with my back pack and I finally understood
                               Why drugs will make you richer than working ever could
                   They bag a gram put it on the scale and tell you what it weighs
      But they don't tell you how unnoticeable it is when your life slips away

         We sell the dream, we sell the aesthetics
    The drugs, the parties, the scene with guest lists
     Invincibility
        Pretty lights.
                Fun. All a lie.

*I almost fell on my face walking down the hill, staring into those blue eyes over my shoulder all the while.

You're on my brain like ******
I gave you chance didn't expect a thing
You got me higher than a kite
The lighter brighter than my future
I got addicted
I needed more of you
My head was scrambled
My only thoughts were of you
They saw what you did to me
So I went through rehab
But it hurt cause I knew you were the best high I'd had
I got desperate held on to you with everything I had
But I knew I didn't get you high
So I forced my self to stop abusing you to try and get the high I wanted so bad because I knew you weren't flying in the same wonderland
I got myself off of you picked up where I left off
I started doing better
My creativity faltered by my logic took hold
Then came a chance for one last hit
Just a goodbye i said
After all I'm over it
I had told you I was done
Just one last hit can't hurt me
I knew there was a chance I might get hooked
But it was to late I set my own trap
Just that one last hit
Got me hooked again
You seem bright again
Kind to me again
But is it because I've recovered for all you know
Or is it because you gave me back your soul
Do you care
Or do you wish I didn't
If I dare ask you this question
Would you drop it
Or finally listen?
You left me with so many scars
But your as bright and as clean as ever before
But that's how it works isn't it?
The ****** doesn't get high
Only its victim.

You introduced me to your demon, it was the only way to save me
But you knew as beautiful as she was, her touch was beastly

****** was her sweet name
She came and saved me from the pain
She lead me back from the ledge
She made still the razors edge
You knew the dance that she could do
She had saved you too

She knew how to comfort the bereft
She knew how to take away, what the agony had left
You knew she could comfort in her darken cress
She knew how your soul to undress
You knew I would want her more
You knew leaving her was more than a chore

You pried her nails out of the vains in my arms
Accepting her proposal would only bring harm
You knew if I stayed to long
It would all go wrong
For you had been there when she banged her gong
You had lost years in her clutch
All you wanted for me was just feel a small touch
Just to shift my gaze from the knife
To let my body and mind escape the strife

You knew her kiss was quite alarming
It would leave me with a longing
Once under my skin she would create an itch
But you wasn't ready to lose me to deaths dark abyss
So you let her give me just a kiss
Now the longing for her touch is not hard to miss




It was jut another demon I had to meet
Listen up you can hear her dark beat
It was just another door I had to walk into
To understand what others go through
The more darkness I endure
Leaves me knowing for sure
You can not judge another's plight
Or how they choose to fight their fight
In this game there is no wrong or right

Theres a story I read in the Bible,
coming from Old Testament,
that taught me I should love my father
taught me how to not resent...

or waste my days waiting on the
semblance of a true repent.

He was Caine and I was Able.
He killed a part of me
in the name of his God,
I called my Devil.
I curse missed opportunities...

He was Caine I wasn't able
to get that needle off his table.

There's a reoccurring vision
that is haunting my sleep.
Would he still do ******
If each time it had been injected by me?
A terrible vision,
a sickening fantasy,
that I'd rather him die by my hand
than left in his life's purgatory.

When looking down at his thigh,
does he think about his son?
Ink beneath the trembling skin,
where I left a mark with my own gun.
When looking up at the sky,
does he think about the sun?
How it shines on everything
and how he's not the only one.

Dear Addiction, could you please stop knocking on my door?
        I already have your ***** syringes scattered about my floor.
               You keep on telling me that I want more
        But I’m not very sure.
When you pierce my skin everything stills
        Even though I hate it it feels so much better than the pills
                I don’t want to do anything you have taken my will
        Not only that, you’ve taken everything, including all of my dollar bills
I know that feeling of dry mouth too well.
        They tell me that I can stop but honestly, I can’t tell
                Right now it seems like the only way out of this is a bullet shell
         I don’t know why I crave you when you bring me so much hell
When you crawl your way back into my veins
        Those first hits of pleasure make me go insane
                I start to remember why I got on this crazy train
        But then I remember just how badly you’ve ****** up my brain
I wish I could get your illness out of my head.
        They tell me that I am one twentieth of a gram from ending up dead
                Yet no matter how many warnings are said
        You seem to be the only reason to get out of bed.
I have lied for you.
         I have ****** for you.
                I have done for many awful things for you.
         And I will most likely die because of you.
Dear Addiction, why do you make this so tough?
        They say that abusive relationships aren’t made out of love
                And I know the way you treat me is rough
        But I cannot help what I love.
They say that all you do is harm.
        Yet when my happiness comes into me through a needle in my arm
                And my brain tells me that I should be alarmed
        All I can do is crave your harm.
Your harm makes me feel like I am whole.
        But it also seems to drag me further into the hole.
                It seems that you have taken my soul
        Getting you out of my life is a faraway goal.
Dear Addiction, you’ve hit me with a huge smack.
        You’ve shown me how easy it is for life to get out of whack
                I probably should have stopped before your first attack
        But you had seen to put my life back on track.
Dear Addiction, you fill up my hunger.
        But at the same time I’m starting to feel more and more like a jumper
                I hate you more than I’ve hated any other
       You are my most hated lover.
Dear Addiction,
         I’m giving you an eviction.
                I never even gave you any permission
         To take away my ambitions.
Dear Addiction, I want to send you away.
         But you are still knocking at the door where I stay
                You always do know how to get your way.
        Time to go back to my decay.
Dear Addiction
        Stop ******* knocking. I’m coming!

how dare someone try to take you away,
are they criminally insane?
do i need to show them
how ashes grace streets
with empowered sway,
my body aches for the pain you suffer,
the chaos that you often greet,
you may give him back to me,
not because he is my property,
but the needles you shove in his arms have never been kind,
and if you think for one second that he actually loves you,
well you are even crueler than I could've imagined,
you are force feeding addiction down his skinny spine,
all you'll ever be is a replacement,
a spoon full of lies