I have had dreams
Of us
Leaving all these struggles behind
Just you and me
In our own place
Dancing and laughing
In our own world
Where we don’t have these ugly masks
Covering our love
There is no monster
In between us
Nor inside us
Only the love we have
Where you love me with all you have.

Some dreams come true.
Some are just the longings
Of the heart.
You are the longing of my heart.
Dreams about you
will never come true.

I may not have told you
How much I love you
But my every poem
Every story
Every letter
My every word
Bleeds the love I have for you

You come to me as the first rain
After a drought
Giving the peace to my soul.
Like the first snowflake
From the sky
Cold yet so beautifully crafted.
Like the wind
Harsh yet so soothing.
Like the smell of the soil
After a thunderstorm
Calming my heart.

But just like all of these
You too, never last.

And just like all of these
I love you
Very much.

Sometimes
A heart beat
A pair of arms
The warmth of the body
Around yours
Can make you feel happy

Ah
People say
Don't look for happiness
In other human beings
But let me tell you
Shhh
nothing can take the place
Of a warm hug
And a smile
Of the beloved

And sometimes
Even a stranger.

There are a lot of things I regret.
The most I regret is
Wishing that he was dead.
Rather than living
To hurt me
Crushing my heart.
I never wanted
Anything bad
even for my worst enemies.
But he drove me to the point
Where I wished for his death.

I wonder
Who is actually
The monster here.

I cannot be with him
Nor I can leave him
The mere thought of not being able to talk to him
Hurts my heart
I feel this pain
A grave loss
But I must be brave
Because at the end of the pain
Is freedom.

It’s been years.
I don’t think about the pain as much.
It doesn’t affect me that much.

But once in a while,
when I’m alone
walking down the same lanes.
when the breeze is soft,
the sky is clear.
When I’m surrounded by strangers,
I still feel you hand holding mine.
And for a moment
just a moment
I feel you in my heart.
And I smile
loving the ache in my heart.
And I whisper,”I love you “
And walk away
again drowning the the busy life.

You sat there
Wearing all black
In the dark
Where your soul
Could disappear
There is no light around you
The one I thought
I saw
When I saw your eyes
The light  has left
And left a black hole
Whenever I look into them
I cannot find the hope

Grey smoke all around you
The cigarette
Between your lips
You take a deep breath
inhaling all the nicotine
As you look at the sky
And let out a sigh
As you belittle my love
As you wish
For the hundredth time
Tell me
Is that your happy place
Where you lie
All alone?

I tried to hold your hand
Pull you out
Even if it took my soul out
You did hold my hand
Just to pull me in
And leave me there
For all the other hands around

As they surround you
Do you feel peace
Or the suffocation is finally getting
To your evil mind
How does it feel
Not to have a hand that will love you

I'm falling down
You watch me from there
I have a throbbing pain
In my heart
From your lies and betrayal
As my eyes
Meet you lifeless ones

Why do I see a demon

Or were you always
The demon?

Slowly and silently
you slipped out of my conversations
Nights which were once
soaked by tears you gave me
in return of my love
Are peaceful now

I don’t remember you
when I stroll down the memory lanes
the places where
we promised each other forever
You made the moments
that were so precious
Open to every other souls right there
Blamed me of breaking your heart
Chaos around me
But I learned how to make peace with them

Turns out that
My heart doesn’t hurt anymore
When your name is mentioned
I don’t feel the butterflies in my stomach
When I see your smile

I only remember you
When I’m hating myself
Your words like gasoline to my thoughts
You’re only here in my mind
Burning my sanity
When I’m drowning in liquor.

After a long time
He was standing in front of me
The man I loved the most
He was there
Dressed in white
He looked peaceful
I couldn't look at him
For a moment
I wonder if he could look past my trembling body

He came to me
And softly whispered
"Look at me"
so I did
And I captured him
In my eyes
my heart
and in my soul
In a place
where no one could be

I wonder
if he could see
the pain in my eyes
if he could see the longing
In my heart
As I stared at him

I wonder
if his heart
Ached at the thought
Of the pain
he caused me
As my eyes burned
Igniting a fire in my soul
I wonder
at what moment did he decide
That he didn't love me anymore


As I stare it him

I wonder
if he could see all the emotions
Wrapped like
ropes around my soul
Did they make him feel
The guilt of breaking my trust apart
Did he see
my red eyes
As hot tears poured out of them
Did he realize
That he wrecked my mind
my heart and my soul?

I wonder
if he knew
How much I longed
For the warmth of his body
To have his hand wrapped around mine

I smiled at him
He was like the sun
Shinning bright
He didn't need any help
But my darling
I was the moon
Without him
I have no light
No soul

I wonder
If he knew
He took the light
Away from my soul

As I held out my hand
To touch him
For the last time
As my heart is clenching
Begging me to make him stay
I could feel the air trapped in my throat
As I struggled to breathe
I bring his forehead
And hold it against mine

He kissed me for last time
He didn't say goodbye
As he walked away
I wonder
If he knew
He took my soul away.

I couldn’t say the last goodbye

I hope he knows, how much I love him.

I ran for the things
Which gave me no peace
Surrounded my soul
With the coal
Suffocating it
Then I complained
Why I’m so cold

I ran for the love
Which was poisonous
I laid down there
With the cold air
Of the night
When the air was out my lungs
I couldn’t find
why I was out of my mind

I went crazy
For my body to be perfect
Each and every imperfection
Was like crippling depression
Which drove me crazy
To the point of aggression
Then I complained why I’m not happy

Each and every destructive path I took happily
Turned me into a psychopath
That was dead already
When the flesh started to rot
The screams went unheard
My soul whispered softly
“You should have taken care of me”
And now it was too late
I was already dead.

I was two when he passed away.
I don’t remember his face
The photos are fading away.
Just like him.
I’d give anything to have
Even one moment with him.
And remember it forever.

I miss you, Abbu (dad).