Growth is not pretty it's fking hard.
It's picking yourself up over and over again ,sometimes only getting up and living because of your strength and resilance,many times it's being incredibly lonely, for choosing yourself can be ,it's cutting off everyone and everything that is toxic and abusive to you , it can be extremely hard esp coming from a home like mine ,were everything was extremely dysfunctional !
Growth is choosing kindness to yourself, learning how to treasure simple small moments, learning to  turn pain  it into meaning and gratitudr . Growth is sometimes breathing and holding on one moment by moment . It's exploring your dreams, the depth of your concious ,its facing your demons ,the things that terrify you, it's learning that once we see more of ourselves for who we truly are , we can learn more of who we are and live with less shame.
Growth is not looking like a perfect Instagram model buying crystals and pretending to be perfect ,it's knowing that yes I have flaws and that's okay I am a human being we are not meant to be dolls or just consumers !
Growth is looking at the shackles of society and choosing different .Its seeing the suffering of your family bec of their chains and learning to choose differently for you . So whoever wants to romanticize this ,is really bllshtting you . Spirituality aint about rainbows and flowers it's mostly about awareness and choice.

Suddenly its here
I sent the letters
that I always wanted to send
to the schools that
bullied me
to the place
that didn't care
about my ****** assault
I sent them letters today
finally after all these years
but not from a place of terror
or victim hood
but from a place of transmutation
of taking pain
and transforming it
to make these places
safer healthier more loving places
for other women.
Healing is possible
never allow anyone
to tell you that it isn't .
Be the you
that your inner child has always needed.

The walls echo
My cries
I used to be afraid to feel it all
Used to bottle it all up inside me
For the longest time ,
Now it seems all I do is cry
And feel really intense feelings
My face looks red from crying at times
But it also glows
From the joy of realization
And healing
Although healing is hard
It's priceless.

I find my healing
through crying
whaling
sobbing
shouting angry curses
allowing myself to be angry
and rageful at the people
who tortured me
and for so long
I could never feel a **** utter thing.
I could barely ever cry
I would sheild myself from them
now I'm learning to welcome them.

Its so crazy to realize
that my whole life
I was deluded
by others perceptions of me
and I still never changed or shifted
from my internal compass.

That I was brought up to believe
that I as a women
is less than

that I am a women is a" slave "
to the patriarchy
to how men perceive me.

As I deconstruct my old religious ideologies,
I see how the truth was lying right there "hidden" in plain sight,

how they have tried to erase the Divine Feminine
but still we rise like a phoenix out of the ashes.

I knew that religion and I were never a good fit
seems my questions were right after all,
seems my inner knowing was right after all
always
is and will be,
see they try to keep us small ,
so that we don't recognize & realize our power
in who we are as women
equal to men,
and different in our ways
for the dark feminine
is different than the  masculine.

I remember when my brother would laugh at me
and mock me
and say that I am fat
& that I am "masculine"

when really I am just powerful
curvy and strong
and a man like him,
who is so deeply wounded
can't see how me as a human being
is just as important as he is
So I will use my voice
to call out
to be the voice for women
to be the voice of my child
that  was mutilated in pain
from the men in my life
who could care less
about my screaming.

I see displaced empathy around me
it seems the world only wants to care about the palestinans death and horror
empathy cannot and should not just be for once side
for when my people were being burnt and charred to bits
and baked in an oven 3 weeks ago
the world didn't care all that much
and told us we made it up
while still we are weeping
they claim we are lying
while now chanting for our deaths in the streets
is it 2023 or 1933?
I wander if my great grandparents were alive now
what they would think?
Its such a tragedy that so many people care about equal rights
except when it comes to Jews or Jewish children ...
suddenly we are at fault??
so call it what it is
if one can only be sad about certein deaths
and only condemn certein things
it means your empathy is broken
especially if your not even involved in this conflict
I hope humanity can wake up
and reclaim their kindness and goodness.

I remember
how it felt
to be beaten
how it felt to be broken
how it felt to be dark
how it felt
to be so helpless
how the men tried to ******* me
how I even in my place of terror
refused
how I always chose life
even when all the parts in me
begged for death
I remember how it felt
to run for my life
each time the missile alarms sounded
how I felt
knowing I might die at any moment
I remember how it felt
to be so poor
to feel so starving
I remember how it felt
to look my pain in my eyes
and wish it away
I remember how it felt
to feel the pain in my body
of where they all hurt me
of where my brokeness lied
I remember how it felt to be used
abused
beaten
kicked out
abandoned
disrespected
I remember
so I vow to love myself
to hug myself in my darkness in my pain
I remember
I am not shocked by pain
its something i understand deeply
for death is like pain
and pain is like death
one can die while they are alive
I have had so many times in my life
where I don't know how I survived
now I am choosing life
in a place reeked with death
I am choosing more presence
I am choosing to follow my goals
to live my life
the way I want to
I am working on choosing my bravery.

My whole life
I felt so much shame in my whole being
like I was born wrong
that everything about me was so wrong
because I was born into a family
where I never recieved love attachment or true joy
where I was always picked on bullied and harrassed by
pretty much everyone in my life.
Where everytime I felt my dysphoria
I felt wrong
Iike it was wrong to feel like a girl
but wanna be a boy at times ...
but now that I am healing myself
I see that there is nothing wrong with who I am
that I am beautifully made
and that I am just different in my own way
and that is beautiful ,
I am a person who thinks for myself
who has always questioned it all
and that's why I was able to leave a super opressive religion
and hometown.
It's been my saving grace.
Someone who is super creative
who has a super big heart and soul
who feels so many many things
so when others even in a well intended way
try to tell me that I am non binary or something like that
or queer,
the labels don't feel like they  fit me,
because I am who I am
and I don't like labels,

I am learning to not  judge myself
but to just accept myself,

that I have a right to exist
to live a good beautiful life
of my own choosing
to learn that I am powerful by just being me
by just existing,
and that there was never anything wrong with me
I AM Who I AM.

what if
we get to be happy
we get to get what we want
what if we can choose to be ourselves
to live life out loud
yesterday
as I danced on the dance floor
and I saw all of the old men
that I used to like
I didn't feel anything at all
just a joy that i chose myself
over them
that I get to dance
and live my beautiful non religious life
that I chose for myself
that in so many ways
I chose peace over terror
over chaous over drama
I chose myself
over my traumatic past
I chose me
over the men
who hurt me and used me
I chose me
over the girlfriends who used me and abused me
I choose to listen to myself
when I feel the vibes are off
I choose me
over the bad
I choose me always
I choose my inner child's joys
I choose to look weird
and to feel happier
I choose to dance in the streets
from joy
from the beautiful music
swimming through my veins
I am choosing to heal myself
my life and my traumas
I am choosing to believe
in the goodness of the world
of people
even though for so long
I have mostly only seen and noticed
the darkness
the bleakness of life
I feel aged inside as if I have lived thousands of years
of darkness
who is finally waking up to something else
to choosing something new
perhaps for the first time
who is choosing to end cycles of pain
that has been in my bloodlines for so long
I choose for me
I choose to live with more gratitude
I choose to cry
I choose to feel
I choose to breathe
I choose to believe  
I choose to see
how beautiful the journey
can be.
I choose.

It first
started
as  a whisper in the night
in the dark
maybe just maybe
theres a way out
of this darkness
a light at the end of the tunnel
maybe just maybe
I can actually heal myself?
maybe just maybe
I can create a life
of my desire
and so with time she chose herself
over and over again
through her pain
through her sorrow
through all of the men who left her beaten
and broken off the side of the road
beaten beyond words beyond comprehension
how much the pain caused her
how much the violation the violence
broke her so deep
like shards of glass
tormenting her
insides ,
of  how the men hurting her
hurt her soul
broke her soul so deeply
that it felt like her heart would bleed
literal blood all of the time,
Through the sorrow
of other women choosing men over her
and throwing her into the arms of violent men
to be tortured by those men
yes I have lived through all of this and worse
and yet I have learned to choose myself
through it all
to stand tall
to not allow them to see you falter
so next time someone tells you
that you don't have choice
I say I beg to differ
humans always have a fking choice!

I have claimed my rightful place in this land
by the strength of my own two feet
and I choose healing
each day of my life
to heal myself for me
for my ancestors
and for all of those who come after me
although the journey is not done
I choose it for me
and for myself.

I don't feel safe again
in my own bed
a sea of naseu
forms my lips
here I was drugged
touched
hurt
here I told him no
last night ,
here he touched me again again
I said no
again the kiss
forbidden
he says sorry
and thinks he's okay
I wish one day
someone could see my pain
and tell me that this is not okay
but no one really cares so much
because I am alone.
so alone...
when I went to the police
beaten and raw
they tell me
I'm a mess that its my fault
you get away with it
with your lies and narcissim
but inside me
all I feel is screams
raging
arms
people tryin to shut me out
tryin to ****** my soul
my spirit
but here I am still fighting
to thrive,
from when
I was always silent
SILENT
when my DAD
***** me
when my Brothers touched me
no one cared
no one cared
my mom hurt me
threw me away,
when I came to the police
with so much proof
no one cared
When I told others
and told my boundaries
no one cared
she asked for it
shes fat
shes a loser
does anyone understand
how much abuse shatters inside
it makes me feel
like no matter how much progress I make
like I'm just pulled back to another cycle
of it
of abuse of pain
of wanting to die all over again
of seeing my abusers
still livin'
still alive
still laughing
someone make it
JUST STOP!
Make all of them hurt
because the pain is just
unbearable inside
so I cry to my dieties
in my room
and sing on top of my lungs
out of my pain
;
You will still never break me
I will still  publish my poetry
so I have a place for my words
for my voice
because I never did .
I will publish my songs about my abuse
I will publish my voice
so everyone will know
about my stories of how I saved myself
from my darkness!
These men think
that I am weak
but I see right through you
and you are horrid
just evil inside
and I hope one day your  karma
will come and  take care of you
within your right time.

keep your ecards
keep your compliments
the **** away from me
I hate you
I hate your face
I hate knowing what you did to me
my whole life
the way that I was tortured by you
and your still standing
untouched
the way my traumas live on in my brain
the way that my family that was suppose to love me
that I did everything for
rejected me and hated me
now I am living in a country far away from you
but still it reminds me
the religion is always here
taunting me
telling me see
your worthless
see your a rebel
see your family hates you
and that is the greatest pain of all
see for years all i was told
was go to therapy
but noone
noone in my whole life
thought to ask me
what the **** happened to you ?!!
how could your parents do that to you ?!!!
They just obeyed it
like  the silent ******* that they were.
especially
the women
like little eves
to the theieves of our joy
the agressive mysgonistic men
and the mysognistic women
that were forcibly made to be that way.
So no
Don't send me cards
askin me
If I am okay
it will take so much more than that
for me to be okay
and honestly even if you did say sorry to me
it would take so much more than that
for me to be okay with all this
It feels like It will take me a while
it feels like for the first time
I don't wanna give a **** about my family
that has hated me for so long.
It is so hard
I long for my grandmother
who was like my mother to me
who loved me so much
but she's dead now and I miss her so much .
I want to love myself firmly
and be my own family
because that's literally all I got right now.
I've been on a long treacherous journey
but now I've arrived.

How funny life is
Ain't it
Come to the cafe
Where I met you all this months ago
But yet not a word is spoken
I pertend as if I don't known you
For the horror of betrayal
Of being cast aside
Rejected
Hurts too much
I notice
How people
Act when they want to be polite
But I won't be anymore
Instead I'll just stare
And write
I don't own you a smile.
I don't owe anyone
My self respect.

Its like the pain is muffled inside of me
urging to escape
to be fully me
a lover of human beings
masculine edgy
feminine but strong
a savior for the voiceless
a fairy child
a animal whisperer
I feel trapped by my own pain
by the voices in my head of those who bullied me
still keeping me small
of the internalized homophobia
and self hatred
of the yearning to believe still
that the good men exist
and I have just yet to meet more of them
that what I dream of is truly possible for me
and for that reason I keep on living
so many have told me I am so brave
I think I wanna stop being so brave
and start being happier.

I feel so violated
you told me
well don't judge all men
you spoke to my soul
told me you wanted to be friends
how you don't
"believe"
in "hookup culture"
we go home
you send me a picture of your bare back
riding in the ocean
asked me for advice
and than left me on red,
I am sorry that you were taught
to use women
I am sorry you were taught to sexualize
beautiful women
and to see us as just dolls
my whole life men
like you
made me hate my beauty and my body
but now I am learning to hate your actions
and yet to still believe
that good men exist
and that I will actually meet more of them
but I know that you aren't one of them.

I wanna be known as,
or perhaps i am known for it already
as the girl who changed so much
for the better
that no one recognized her
not for her looks
or for her persona
because she changed
because she finally healed
and found her true self
that was buried deep down
beyond her fiscod
of pain
I will hope
that I become the person
that will make my inner child
feel the most loved in the world
I hope that I can be
the one I have always wanted my mother and father to be
for me
I hope I represent how to be a good masculine energy
and how to be a good healthy feminine energy
I hope that I learn how to create a life that I love fully
I hope
that my brain fully heals
and that I always sing the songs
of my heart
as magical spells
while staring at the skies magical wonder.

As I see the world cheering for our  deaths
yelling gas the jews
as if they think that will bring peace and freedom
all I can think about and cry
beyond my numbness of pain
is think of you and how i remember you
your beautiful nails
your beautiful smile
your hebrew
the way you played with all of the children
it aches me everyday since the war started
not knowing if your alive
all I can do is hope
and pray that your okay
or that if your dead
that you went without pain
my heart can't hold all this pain
I greet each of my friends and ask them how they are
grief stings the air
like a spell
everyone is grieving
everyone knows someone
who was burnt kidnapped killed
***** or kidnapped
I would love for the westeners to live here one day
and see what its like
to actually live here
instead of just seeing things from a biased one perspective
life especially war is complicated ******
and painful
and evil knows no bounds
today i saw a picture
of a girl that was burnt alive
I can't help but hope
that you didn't die like that
I hope that you went to the wrong party
and that you are sitting in your house
in the north
smiling sipping coffee
and singing israeli music
I hope and pray that your okay
I pray and I cry ..

I look  up
and then around me
society says" EW look at her
shes a witch
shes a freak
shes a creep
look at the way she taps her hands
walks barefoot on the ground
is a neurodivergent
artist
is lazy,
you must return
to the hustle culture
you must stop with your nonsense
with your feminism
with your dreaming etc...
with your believing in magic and spirituality.

My whole life
everyone laughed at me
mocked me for being myself ,
my parents ,my brothers and pretty much everyone
I've been so misunderstood
that I haven't even understood
myself
or the friends that I had,
looking back,not really sure
that they were my friends.
If and when I was truly myself .

I remember in my past lives
when I was also a witch
I was beaten tortured
and drowned,
just for being a women/ a witch
when they talk about  the patriarchy
this is it ,
I am still a witch in this lifetime  
althought there isn't outright opression
like it was back then,
I still find it a struggle
because I've never ever
fit in and when I tried
it felt like a taste from  the burning hell,

I wish that society was more accepting and understanding
of different types of human beings.
I certeinly strive to be.
I don't know if this is a poem
or an essay
I don't really know what is it
to be honest with you ,  
All I know is that,
I am really trying to do the work in healing myself
and understanding
that where there is a will
there is a way,
everyone has a different purpose
and this is part of mine.

its like I think of you
and your here with me,
right beside me
again,
you passed when I was so young ,
yet looking back
I think you were the only one
who truly gave me love ,
for that I am so grateful ,
you made the darkest childhood and life
a bit brighter ,
you showed me that you can be spiritual without religion
you showed me art
you showed me crystals
you showed me hugs
you paid for my sewing class
I cry for you so often
these days ,
I miss you so much
I look at your picture everyday ,
I hope your in a better place in heaven
for I know you suffered so much in this life,
I hope you are proud of me,
I wish I could tattoo you in my heart
you were more of a mother to me
than my mother ever was
you were so beautiful
I miss you so much my Babi.

And now it makes sense
why I feel this way
I have been doing so much
healing work,
the past few days
and so I am starting to feel
again ,
probably for the first time
in eons.
I understand
why it feels so hard
to go about this world
in my female body,
It hurts so deeply
I remember
it as if it was  but a moment
when I realized
that it had all changed,
that I could no longer  just  be a tomboy
and a girl who loves tea parties and dresses
for it was sexualized all of it .

I had to look pretty
I had to be sold for my looks
and for my baby making house wife abilites,
to please the men around me .

And than when I met my brothers last year
it felt like a betrayal on the deepest levels
of my soul
that it completely broke me,
for I saw how it had all changed
how they had changed,
into people that I couldn't recognize anymore,
and it has hurt so deeply
consumed me so much ,
that I haven't even been able
to write even one letter on it .

It was like the mask was ripped off of my face
and I saw how they saw me
and the pain of that
made me just wanna be a man.
anyone,
so that I can be seen in the world
as a person .

For so long
I hated even being pretty
because I soon realized
that for so many people
especially men,
that was all I was
and for me
I am such a deep soul
that I want people to see
who I am
and I very so often
just wanna say fk it all
to life ,
and not even try anymore
Maybe if I grew up in a secular world
where religion didn't matter
I would feel less like this
but where I am from
a woman like me
is just to be a slave in a sense
to a man
and even now that I am free
I still see the slavery of the patriarchy
in the secular world
and it breaks me  so much.

So I just sit here crying
acknowledging
the deep traumas I have
and that I feel that I carry
wounds of armour
of my soul
every time Friday comes
I remember
the ****** trauma in my body
that I feel has scarred me
from my own father
and all I wanna do is die
I wish the feelings
would  just go away
but they are no stranger to me
I wish
someone
could  hold me in their arms
and say that it will all be okay.
But I have no one in my life anymore,
all I can do is save myself
but the journey feels so long so hard
and so tiresome .

I tell myself it will get easier
but it feels like a lie almost,
to keep my hope alive
but still I am trying
to see the end somehow.

I swear
next time a person  tells me ,
"oh she looks like a  little ****
OH SHE WAS
ASKIN FOR IT !
OH YOUR BODY
IS THE REASON
YOU WERE TOUCHED
oh she's slept with too many men ,
oh she's too much of an angry feminist."

I would love to ask them
well
WHYYYY
do you think she's such an
ANGRY FEMINIST
I know why I AM!!!!
;

BECAUSE when so many men &women
have ***** abused assaulted
hurt me with words
emotionally abused manipulated
gaslighted me
you feel poisoned by the men
who should've protected you
and when you feel that way by many women too
than where does that leave you ??
it leaves you hating most people
so stop tellin' us
TO STOP BEING
MAD
START
CHANGIN'
AND THEN
JUST SHUT
THE HELL
UP!!!

I am remembering
experiencing
all of the pain
all of the hidden memories
that I pushed so far back
to not remember
the pain
the anguish
the misery
still in my current life
so dissociated
still on so many addictions
to not feel
to not look at my pain
it feels so so big
but slowly I am looking at it
slowly i am starting to feel it
slowly I allow the memories
to pass through my mind and body
like waves
healing all the supressed pain and emotions
form my old religous abusive life
a past me that is no longer me
but still remains as a reminder
of my old pain
that still rings with remanants of it
in my current body
still I am learning that authenticy
is a gift
I am learning how to be honest
how not to hide behind the lies I tell myself
and others
how not to pertend when I am okay
when I am not
to be honest with myself
that the journey is long
and sometimes has pain in the process
of finding healing and loving the self
the mind the body the soul
it's hard to see the progress
from day to day
but to write it down
to look at myself with love with joy
with adoration
is huge
for so long
I craved humans so deeply
now I still do but I am learning that
the love that I seek
I can find within .
Balance
to seek it within
its a process.

What Can I say
I don't relate to most
when i see on tik tok
or in real life
when they talk about mental health
and say well yeah
I had a tough 6 months
or a tough year or two or a few
I wish I could relate
Instead I just think
yes I am healing
and I am proud of my progress
but I wish that I didn't feel sucidal all the time
for pretty much my whole life
when the only relief i got was maybe a few days or a few weeks
on and off
where I am afraid to eat
where my mind races like crazy
where I am tired
but then awake
where things trigger me so much
and I sit there and cry so much
and If i was really present
it would probably be much more than that
where in the past 6 months
since my 26 birthday
I've had to cut off my brothers
"friends" and so many places
because they were so bad for me and
my mental health
while I am proud of me
I wish I didn't have to do all this
I wish more people would understand
I wish I didn't have to feel this lonlieness
so deep
that I have noone to talk
to but the cats and trees
who don't really respond back or care anyways
all I have is myself
and while I am learning to love me abit more
it is still oh so hard.
so yes
the fear aches so bad
it aches in my ribs
and I sit there and I feel it all
healing is feeling
and feeling can be really hard.

I think I am starting to taste
self love,
I sit with myself crying all alone,
hugging myself
never wanting to let go
I love you,
I am proud of you
you are amazing,
I say
the words I have always wanted others to say
I still crave love  so desperately ,
But ,I am starting to give that to myself
and to know that I am worthy
for I exist.

its reckoning isn't it that we assume so much about others
only in order to realize that it is our pain
our mirror
reflecting and looking back at us
different cultures show me how much my american culture
has been so toxic
and indocrinated me in many ways
that are unhealthy
I have pushed so many people away
all because they loved me
saw me and honored me
and I couldn't see it .
because I was so hellbent on hurting myself.
wow life is truly shocking isn't it
maybe learning to have fewer words is the way .

I wanna go to see the ocean
but not the typical one that I always see
I wanna go to the ocean
to meet my grandmother
who passed when I was 12
just to hug her for one last time
just to be able to talk to my brothers again
because eventhough they are alive
they are still dead in my heart
mired from the pain of silent but ongoing abuse
I wanna go to see the ocean
to see my parents before
they became abusive
when they were kind humans
I wanna go to see the ocean
to see my childhood home
to see myself as a child
to give myself all the hugs and love that I needed
while I was being violated
in my supposed safe place
I wanna go to see the ocean
to drench myself in the sea of my own tears
tears of complete sadness joy freedom and awe
because all can exist at once
and it does in the ocean of my heart
all this exists
joy that I can finally be freed of my chains of my past
but agony that I have to do this to be free
and all the sadness that comes along it
my eyes are the colors of the ocean
that swim with the pain of lonlieness
of longing
of imagining
of becoming
of waiting
of longing
of desire
of wanting a chosen family
of my own
and a place that I can truly call home

I wish I could tell you
when you looked at me with eyes of pity
to not pity me,
because I've been through so much ,
and I don't want pity
I wish I could share with the people in the room,
my stories,
the stories that I leave out
the stories
of mourning
the stories of grieveing
the stories
of how I lift myself up each day
some days its harder
and some days its a bit easier
how I cry almost every day
how much I mourn a family that I never truly had
how much I wish I could go back to all the toxic people
that I left
for I am so lonely and longing for love and connection
but I don't because I value myself
more
how much I dissacociate each day
how much the hunger inside of me
aches and consumes,
trying to be dulled by addictions,
aches to be seen loved touched valued
seen
to be complimented on something  other than just how I look,
to be cuddled,
without being sexualized
how deep my feelings are
how much I want friends
even just one
how much I wish I had the money
to travel
to sit at beautiful restruants,
and to pertend I live a different life
but instead I sit and I do my best
to not overshare or trauma dump
and to laugh off the things that hurt me
the things that have made me so bitter and cynical
instead I am always wishing hoping
and working towards a better life for myself
for I don't know any other way .
How much I yearn to sit with a mother
that I truly love
that is truly kind to me
that I know would do anything for me
how much I yearn for a father
that i know that could support me
that If I would call on the phone and cry to him
that he would do anything to help me
that would hold my hand and keep me safe
how much I long for to have a sister a brother
that  would be my best friend in the world
that would  respect me and care about me
and my pain
but instead I have no one
I am not looking for pity
I am looking for understanding
for a longing
of peace
that I don't have to spend another night crying,
in my bed all alone,
in a foreign country
all alone,
each time I sleep
I remember more trauma
that I forgot
of the men who hurt me in public,
and no one cared
or even asked me If I was okay .
so when people ask me
why do you have such a negetive view on life,
because I have met such horrible people
but still I am trying ,
constantly trying,
today I went out,
spoke with some people,
smiled instead of cried,
and tried to cloak my words with laughter and hopefulness
so they wouldn't see the tears that hide behind my eyes
that cry all the time.

Everyone who thought they could fk with me
dont know a thing
when you hurt me
i cut you out with no shame
as if you never existed
as if i never felt anything towards you ,
and I roll my eyes to you and
shoot you death glares with my aura and my eyes.  
they call me a witch
well maybe I am one,
to the ones who mess with me.

maybe learn your lessons
and stop being mean
so that you don't get hurt.
point is dont fck with a witch

my whole life
I always dressed up
was obsessed with how i looked
and now today
I walked down the street
looking at myself
and I thought wow I'm pretty,
but why does it matter so much??

why does it matter if others are more or less
beautiful than I am?
I think
I was taught that my whole worth
was in how i looked
now I am starting to see
that there is so much more to me
than how I look
there is a  soul
a creative mind
a  flawed human being,
learning to dress in many ways
much simpler
with less of a rush and a fuss
is so healing.

I believe that spending so much time alone
while  it is very hard is very important ,
to learn that so much ,
of what we are taught is so important ,
is really very much not,
and the good thing is that people really don't care.

I am working on learning
that who I am is not dependent ,
on if he likes me
or if she wants me
but in the internal worth and love
and acceptence ,
that I carry within myself
and that it is so much easier,
to blame the world for our issues
and it doesn't mean that
others aren't at fault ,
but there are always two people at play here ,
I've realized the mistakes I have made in my life,
I am learning from them,
learning how to trust myself
I think this is the greatest gift of all.

slowly
everyday I wake up
push through my trauma
my trauma responses
journal
take care of myself as best as I can
for even during war time
my old traumas are triggered
I am learning to love myself
still
to protect myself
to still heal myself
even in times of chaous
to still carry softness in my heart
for people
to still learn to have compassion and empathy
to still love even in times of hate
to still light candles of
hope and of prayer

Crying for all of the years of my whole life
where I couldn't cry
where I was so numb
since I was still such a baby
where I would cry and noone would come to comfort me
the other day I held the baby in my arms balling and crying
and I tried so hard to be patient with her ,
to hug her to have her laugh
it felt like my inner baby,
felt so comforted so alive
for the first time.

When I am with little children
I see my inner child
smiling back at me,
telling me good job
your finally starting to look at me
to remember our story,
because I though you had forgotten about  me
I cry as I  hold my own hand
over my heart,
I cried looking at my old videos and pictures
I cried looking starting to see myself ,
my grace
my beauty of my soul,
for probably the first time in my life!

Realizing all the lies I was taught about humanity,
how the only way to get love is competition,
if we are skinny pretty ,smartest the best
and I want to say to all that it is bllshit.

For today for one of the first times in my life
in my bigger body,
I thought maybe my body and who I am is amazing,
for I am me .
Maybe i am not afraid if I would gain weight one day
for I would still be amazing.
And there will always be people who will love me for me
maybe my whole life,
I  was obsessed with romance
when really all  I just wanted  was to actually love myself!

Although I still long deeply for a partner
for I have never had one,
I am working on trying to make this life better
and looking at my progress!

It's strange after I cry
I look in the mirror
and I swear my face looks better
and my heart feels a little bit better!

So I cry,
for all the years I  forced myself to smile,
instead of cry
for all the years ,
that I hid my anger under smiles...
I now play angry music and scream sometimes
silently sometimes loudly.

I am still learning to be comfortable, to be okay
with my anger.

Realizing my soul
has always been pure,
despite everything.

Realizing my trauma was not my fault
not my body's fault
and it was never my fault.

Thinking if I could meet my mom as a child I would tell her
to heal herself
to learn how to love herself
to choose better men
to go to therapy
to learn to love her imperfections
and that she too can love her bigger body.

I wish I could tell that to her...
for despite all of the abuse
I still love my family
I looked at their pictures
my mother my father and my brothers.

I feel so abandoned
but I have always felt this burden inside
I cried for my childhood and my adulthood pain
but knowing that was never love, what they gave me
it was mostly just abuse
for however hard it is ,
I will create my own family
in this life,
and maybe one day things will change
but the only thing
that I can change,
is myself,
it hurts so deeply.

Especially sitting alone in my
apartment ,
on holidays.
It hurts!

I wish I could share my pain
with others,
but alas
I am not sure who can actually relate to me.

I am sure there are many
who like me,
are silent with their pain
and just save their tears for their beds
at night .

But I see pain
its something I understand so deeply.

I would cry as a child
to god to take the pain away,
and I would pray for so many people
just like I would always pray for myself.

I am choosing to see my light
within my darkness
for they are all connected .

Today
and the last few
i chose forgiveness
I chose to forgive all the people
who have abused me hurt me and bullied m e
I don't want to carry it with me anymore
the anger built so much pain within me for so long
I couldn't let go of the past
and it just pained me beyond words.
So much staying in the past
So i forgive
I still am healing
and everything feels a little lighter and brighter now
with room to expand
a little brighter
A willigness to let go
To not drag my feet in the sand as much anymore
So I forgive myself and others
and I let go .

The enormity of pain
of having to leave behind everything that I have ever known
its been time, but the grief aches in my bones.
I miss my old life desperately
even though it was filled with swords of pain and abuse
I miss my" family" my "friends."
my naievity about this hateful ideology
it was easier to live in some ways.
But also much more hellish
now I am a lot more at peace and so much healthier
and so very very lonely.
i have no real friends and no one in my life
the lonlieness i feel it, eating me alive as well as my depression.
They are my closest friends.
And here i am at 28 and all i do is grieve
grieve for everything!
and i couldn't even put pen to paper for months,
i feel like a sore thumb
in a society that is morally depraved psychopathic and psychotic.
In a world that is uncaring for people like me
That lacks a Basic Understanding
of the chronically ill chronically mentally in pain.
Yet still here i am trying
finally receiving help that i have needed,
prayed for and searched for
for years.
So why do i feel worse ?
probably for finally feeling the enormity of everything.
That is hitting me all at once.
The enormity of pain
Of leaving religion ideologies
Families,
an old country that i still long for
But i know that i can't go back to.
Of community
Of old age traditions.
But here i am lovingly and hatingly picking myself up,
painting writing reading learning
healing
learning to piece together my own religious meaning,
my own way of performing it.

I still feel so lost and so in pain
but here are my feelings out on paper,
struggling screaming for so long to be seen in so so many ways.
In a world that is psychopathic and i feel that it in itself
has lost all meaning to its madness,
and truth is stranger than fiction
and it is what most avoid and don't like hearing.
So i feel often at times
That i must hide myself out in the open,
un -belonging
holding the keys,
the bearer of witnessing
Horrors
Processing all that i have lived through, in this land
and the other land of the forefathers.
writing about my stories of grief © Jan 26, Ari

Breathe in
Breathe out
Slowly
But my pace is fast
Feel the world closing in on me;

My voice feels frozen inside of me
As if i can't speak up
As if noone cares about how I feel.

I feel frozen inside
Recalling past memories of abuse
And how much it hurts inside
Of how most of the men
Hurt me violated me
Shamed me abused me
And treated me so so badly
How the women treated me like SH*T
And how hurt I am and feel
Like a broken doll
Used like a fuze
Wound so tight
It feels broken
Without use
That's how I feel
And how I have felt for so long!

Feels scary
To work on choosing differently for my life
To work on cutting out those and what no longer
Serves me
Or my highest good

FEELS
scary but exciting
for this is how to truly be alive!

I look at my student
and she literally looks like me
the same as I looked
when the abuse in my life
started
all i want to do
is hug this child and tell her
that I love her
I know it's not me
But I see so much of me in her
when i hug my student
I feel like
I am hugging myself
she is so quiet
with beautiful eyes
I told her that her eyes are beautiful
and she said
why I said because you are...
I believe children are so so healing
and such amazing souls!

Today is family day here
and although
I know that
I am
better off
without them.
The pain still aches inside
so much so
I feel despair
and deep sadness.
It looms over my head everyday
the only escape I get
is in my dreams
or in my art maybe...
I don't know it feels so lonely
to be different
and so painful
that this is what I chose
for this life
I know that there are good things too
but sometimes the pain gets too much ,
so I write instead.
Hoping to ease some of it
and to make art and some meaning from it too..
for what else can one do
when one feels despair and sadness.

loving a woman feels like poetry feels like the sunrise on the coldest night feels like warmth and pleasure from the divine it feels like softness like love like lust like being in love with your best of friends like closest connections like feeling the spirit of the divine feminine coursing through me all at once it makes me feel alive and the happiest to be me .

I love to write
when the rain pitter patters on my
window pain
lovin healin
my inner me
my inner child
showin myself the love
that I never received from others
healing my wounds
lovin levelin up
my life as a whole
happier to be me
we truly are
what we consume
and that shapes us into who we
truly become
watch it
love it
learn it
and soak up the joy
that is you
and be happy to be you
you are worthy of love
worthy of joy
worthy of the best in the world
don't listen to societie's judgements
of self
most are sick and hurt
once you give compassion to you
you can give compassion to others
and learn to love you
and love who you can
truly be and become.

maybe it wasn't just the men
in my life
maybe everyone likes to project
and hate
maybe its about evil human beings
and gender doesn't matter
maybe I can view life in a different manner
and see yes good men good women
good people exist.
Detached from ideologies
the world looks  a bit brighter.

sometimes I think
I wander
what is the point in it all?!
sometimes the pain
that I feel so deep
INSIDE
feels just too much too
bear
to meet myself inside
with all my pains
dissapointments
wishing pains
of laughter
feel so lonely
it hurts to breathe
when I sit in therapy
struggling to breathe
to be present
it feels chokin
to feel the pain
of being alive
to feel the pain
of the past
that is no longer present
except within
to ask questions to my pain
and to hear it responding
but maybe there is a purpose
to it all
eventhough
its so painful
maybe my pain matters alot.
maybe my body always loves me
what if ive been taught lies all this time
that I don't matter
I don't count
and that I should just shrink down
and dissapear
no maybe
I was meant to be a change in the world,
to see that the pain internally
is reflected by what is not in alignment
in my life ,
to recenter myself
realign my life
and to live a life with greater meaning
even if that sometimes includes some pain.

I walked on the streets of jerusalem
looking at all the rainbow flags
it was as if
it was calling me
calling me for my freedom
sitting in the room
alone
alone for the first time in my life
wow what a gift that is
how challenging it felt
all alone
in a foreign country
no support at all
for it was the start of the covidjourney
of my personal awakening
back to myself
I than started to allow all the questions
i had kept inside of my soul
for so long
all about religion
my self worth
who i was
how much I was worth
what did I want to do with my life
who am I
I remember
the first shabbat(sabbath)
I broke it
I threw my skirt away
and wore pants for the first time
I thought
wow I feel naked
and free
And since than the journey
has began
3.5 years have past
and still am discovering myself
who I truly am
rediscovering so many things
in another city
all alone
listening to israeli music
crying sitting alone
as the skies grow darker
I wander
who am I
Am I a Jew
Am I just merely a person
maybe all the labels
don't matter
maybe all that I was taught my whole life
was all lies
maybe there is so much more to life
than what I have ever imagined
or concieved of
from my place of limited perception
maybe
I can dream bigger
Maybe
Just Maybe?

Maybe this sounds hippie of me
although some might classify me as that
being who I truly who I am ,
but I can't be classified
into to tiny boxes,
just to please others.
:
Its like I left therapy
and I felt so free
more free than I have felt ,
in the longest time
realizing that who we are
is always who we are
even though
my" family and friends",
spend decades hurting me
because they hated who I was,
for whatever reason that is,
maybe its  because I break
their expectations of what a woman
is suppose to be like,
act like and who
she is suppose to love,
some will say I'm a rebel
a ****
a witch
a ******
an emo
a freak
a loser
messy
etc...
I've been called it all...
maybe others can't stand
to see others living more in their authentic truth,
so they like to hurt and project their pain onto others,

maybe our bodies and minds
hold back certein truths about ourselves
so that we don't see it until we are more ready to love ourselves,
           :
Its like for so long
I liked certein types of men
that I was raised to hate,
because they weren't "man enough."

I was forced to live without boundaries
to like people that were abusive
because that's all that I knew,
when the whole time my body always knew the truth.

or that I was forced to hide my love for women,
because I was brought up in a home and in a religion
where if you are one of those,
the shame the level of being ostracized is so high,
I remember hearing stories of "the gays"
growing up
while always internally knowing,
that part of me is like that too,
to be able to sit with a therapist
and have her say to me
who you are is perfectly alright,
and  that it doesn't quite matter,
you have choice
you are free!!!

See that I've never had in my life,
the more I step away from the horrors of my old life,
the more I am able to acknowledge
how horrific it was,
and sometimes just the fact that,
I am alive and breathing is a blessing
in itself.
If you made it this far ,
leave a comment below
and tell me if you relate:)

this universe is a hologram
a computer game
program it with what it wants.

maybe mirrors
show us what we want and don't want to see
we heal and it reflects back to us differently.

There were dreams
I had
for the longest time
dreams
of nail polish on hands
dreams
where I could be free
to sing
whatever music I wanted to sing
to shake
to rock my body
to move my hips
to sing on the top of my lungs
to be seen
to be recognized
as the star that I am
this was a dream that I had for a very long time
all throught out my childhood
where I was brought into the world
a world filled with tight religion
of nonsensical rules
where I had to mask my true self
to make the patriarchal rabbis
and my father and mother
happy
so I felt like I had to hide my darkness
my wildness
my urge to sing
in front of men
which was seen as a sin
where I come from
to shake my hips
to express
myself
and each time I get up on that stage
and sing karoke
and have people love my voice
and me feeling captivated
like I am in a different world
for when I sing
I feel ecstatic
like I could do it for hours
show people my words
show them my fire
have them feel
what I feel
it is truly
what has helped me escape
my own longing for death
that haunted me for a while

I think I am starting to see
what it is like to actually live
and to breathe
knowing that I am safe.

Sometimes
Dreams can take a while to come true
but tonight while I stood on that stage
surrounded by other women
I felt normal.

Like a woman
Returning to my wholeness
free
seen
loved and recognized
by these beautiful loving
Israeli women standing around me
screaming Taylor Swift songs
and laughing about our exes
in this space,
my childhood dreams
and my teenage dreams started to come true.

music is like prisms of time
healing moments
of love joy peace and terror
incapsulating all that i know and hold dear
as I listen to the music of my teenage hood
of so much pain and yearning
it transports me
and gives me a new perspective and meaning.

I left so many people in my life
so much sadness
it hurts so much
it feels like my addiction
tries to run me so much
it feels like a daily fight
just to keep it inside of me
It became an addiction of chasing my desire
to be loved to be cared for
that it turned into something
that caused so much destruction and violence in my life
I have been almost 9 months sober
a amount that I never thought I could master
but all the while
it feels like each day is so so hard
its like something that I can't avoid
no matter how much I want to
when a child is never given proper love
and they are sexualized from such a young age
tormented with ****** violence
from her own family
she believes that's her way of feeling loved
I am choosing to teach myself
that I am so much more than my body
that I am worth so much more than ***
I am choosing to say no to hookup culture
in a world
that is so bent
on letting themselves be used by others
I am choosing not to
and it is so hard
when I tell others they look at me with two heads
I think if perhaps
my history hasn't taught me
how violent some men can be
than maybe I wouldn't need to protect myself
so much
and perhaps I wouldn't have this addiction
I have never actually put a pen to paper
about this problem of mine
but I am sure that many who have had a past like mine
carry similar problems
There is no need to feel shame
I just wish the world would change
to be a kinder safer place for women
to live in.

the way I stared at your thighs
your tattoos
the dragon
oh how much
I wanted to taste you
in that moment
make you more than a friend to me
and in the way you smiled at me
and said I'd love to date you ,
alas it was never meant to be,
so now I am only left with
my hurting lonely heart
wandering about you
and feeling the ache
of wanting my hand
in between your thighs
and your kisses in the
moonlight under the moonlight
for I wanted you to
be my first girl lover
but alas my bisexual desires
are still only just that
desires .

I feel called to visit the place
that is haunted by my memories
i feel  so afraid to even  touch it ,
For a few blocks away is the police station
that I visited,
to report you,
after that fateful night
in my own bed,
my own safe haven
turned prison of thoughts and feelings
emotions,  
to face you,
face to face
to tell the police officer ,
how you assaulted me in my own bed
and how you laughed it off and lied through broken teeth
through  self assured smiles,
While all I begged for was an apology,
a promise to never touch another women again
but instead all I got was a brokeness inside
one that felt like shards of my heart were breaking indefinetly
when all I got back was looks of disgust
form the police woman,
who told me that I was messed  up ,
yes I wanted to yell back,
I am messed up because of men like him,
who have broken me
broken me!

See I was never whole
i came into the world broken
so broken,
only now I am trying really trying
gasping from pain,
form open wounds of scabbing pain
to hold myself up still.

Even though my whole life has felt like
mostly death ,
mixed in with some happier fleeting moments
i guess I have never ever wrote about these things
because they are  are so painful to write about,
But I learnt no one can protect me or listen to me
if I don't do that for me!