It’s three am and I’m currently debating talking to ghosts about my problems
Because I stayed up till three am thinking about said problems without actually trying to **** myself, I’ll give myself a pat on the back make myself a tea in the mug you left at my place and call it self care,
I talk to the ghosts about my problems and they don’t answer back,
The same way you won’t answer my calls
The same way I know you won’t answer my calls because like the ghosts you are dead.
Because you decided to **** yourself.
And I hate you for it
I hate you because I know you stayed up till three am thinking about your problems
I hate you because sometimes I wish you talked to ghosts about your problems
Talked to me
I hate that I didn’t notice
I hate myself for hating you at first
I still use your stupid mug
It’s just like every other ******* mug
Just drank by a ghost

I'm scared because of how much I want things.
I want to be selfish.
I want to be loved and love
I want to care for and be cared for,
I want people to look at me and just know that something is off.
and I'm scared because of how much
I want you.

I was born on January tenth 2002. That makes my Chinese zodiac horse.
I don’t really know what that means but I don’t really know what a lot of things mean. Like why people believe in love at first sight.
Like why my dad is an emotionless ******* but I love him forever.
Like Why i still wanna **** myself even though I know it won’t solve anything.
I don’t know a lot. But I do this.
I know that yellow candy is always the best.
I know that writing a poem isn’t easy.
That my grandma hums to herself everyday when doing the dishes cause she can’t always sing.
That my shadow follows me everywhere but only when something bright is ahead of me
Because I’m always alone in the dark.
But never alone in my head
I know that somewhere somehow love is waiting for me to find it.
And I know that somehow.
I will.

I’ve always been scared of thunderstorms
It might be the sound or the flashing lights of lighting that make my soul wanna leap out my throat —
But you love them,
So I wanted to see a thunderstorm through your eyes, I wanted to see what you loved,
So I opened my curtains and stopped blasting my headphones and I watched and listened —
The first time lighting stuck,
I slam my eyes closed
The first thunder,
My heartbeat almost drowns it out my thoughts
But I remembered you and kept going
I sat though a storm for you
And I almost didn’t hate it

I’ve been told not to get to attached to people,
Because when they eventually leave I’ll get hurt and that got me thinking that the being scared to be happy is the worst fear
I know being so scared to get hurt that I became almost get scared of closeness,
if I get punched enough a open hand is almost a closed fist,
if I get my heartbroken enough, love almost seems like a tragedy.
I know that I used the word almost because I’m still scared to admit all of this,
I know only the words you’ve told me, even your lies could become my truths and I would never know the difference
So lie to me
Cause I wanna be attached (hurt) by you

I always said almost loving you was the kindest thing I ever did.  
We never use to cuddle you hated it, we use to sit with my window open cause you broke my fan but it didn’t matter, we’d fall over eachothers sentences, you’d stand beside me whenever I sat, I think it made you feel wiser, to be so much bigger then me,
To look down to me, I never minded it though, cause every so often when we would lie down you would hold me, grip my hand and play with my ring.
you never told me why and I remember pouting about it,
I remember us sitting together but never to close
It was almost love, and almost loving you was the kindest thing I’ve ever done,
I hope almost loving me was the kindest thing you’ve ever done also

You never loved me.
I knew that. I still know that you won’t ever love me.
But god. Do I want you too.
I want to be in your head like you are always in mine. And no I don’t love you.
But I want too.
You’ve seen my mind naked almost as much as my body. But I know you don’t like me.
You like her. Maybe even love.
She has years with you and I have a few months at best.
She has you and I have thoughts.
In my head.
You will always be in my head.