Step 1
Isolation
Step 2
Self discrimination
Step3
Ventilation
Step 4
Self medicating
Step 5
The end

I war with you daily

I war with you when I go to eat because of what that might do to me.

I war with you when I get ready in the mornings , you control how much of myself I want to hide behind a china doll facade , a face etched in make up

I war with you evry time I look in a mirror and you make me take multiple spare items of clothing "just in case"

I war with you every time I have to be somewhere at a certain time. you have me setting clocks forward, So I'll never be late.

I war with you every time I enter a space full of people , you make my heart pound and race. you make me sit there with headphones blasting to avoid  any form of social interaction

I war with you every time I meet new people and make me socially inept and incapable of communicating. you make me nod and squeak my opinions. You make me quiet and agree

I war with you every time something goes wrong and you send me into a deep panic followed by a melancholy pit.

You scare me because you shut me out and now I don't have any one left to run to, you are my own fault, caus I let you win by caring about each battle I have with you

I war with you and you will forever win

At first we start off happy but than life,our maker begins to chip away at us ,moulding us into the people we currently are.

At first we are entirely oblivious as to how things got so bad
We blame god. We blame people We blame nature. Why do we always have to have somebody to blame?

We need someone to blame because we don't want to admit that we failed our hopes and dreams  
We sit there and accuse anything and anyone for our life being ****

When we are young we truly beilieve that we can be that astraunat,that doctor.  That vet that princess that prince but the truth is 90% of us will never get there.
The small 10% that get there are the believers the striving the ones who aren't afraid of hard work, the ones who aren't afraid to fail

Hopefully I become part of that 10% failure has never scared me because I look at it more as trial and error and constantly question myself What have I got to loose?

You have the cutest laugh
But you're fat

You have such a pretty face
But you're  fat

You have the sweetest smile
But you're fat

I really like that coat on you
But you're fat

You look really pretty
But you're fat

You are perfect to me
But you're fat

I love you
But you're fat

Why are there inspiring commencement speeches at the end of our tertiary education

We're finished , that encouragement , and words of Inspiration would've helped me a lot more during the middle of my studies.
Not at the end , because it's useless , it has less meaning to me now that I've got my own story of struggle , not that I'm disrespecting other people's stories but I would hold up a lot stronger discussing mine over someone else's.

I could of used these words of inspiration when I was really lost, when maybe they could've held a slight incentive to carry out a full frontal form of determination

Maybe when my photoshop indesign quits on me and loses some of my work and I'm at the brink of tears, that's when I think I need these inspirational speeches.

Not because they're a cliche but because I feel that I could relate to them in some way.
Those speeches always share fragments of the downs as well as the ups, I like to hear those downs so I know it's not just me.
I like to hear those downs because there is someone else who knows my pain.
Because there is someone else that possibly thought "well hey , maybe this is it" but only for a second while they continued trying to recover lost work, an unpopular idea , or just recovering from a  bad day.
The one thing they didn't do though, Was to give up

I could be the most terrible student but as long as I'm trying my hardest and my best I think I'll be okay

Yes it's a kick in the face when your best isn't good enough, but hey! that's life. Just think, life doesn't have a grading system

Salty waves stream down my face
I don't want your touch
I don't want your company
Right now I don't even want to know you.  
Every time you do this I question everything.
I question "us"
I question your intentions and if you're going to leave and contemplate leaving you before you leave me.

I'll seem like the bad guy but it's okay because we all knew this is how it would play out anyway.

You don't know what your starting every time you say it.

You don't know what happened
& I don't feel like you should have to know.

It's almost like you repent with I love you's
Mine in return are empty and weaker than they were prior to this

The reason I don't like people
Is because I'm scared of people
I'm scared because people are different
I'm scared because people are in cliques
I'm scared because people are judgemental
I'm scared because people are shallow
I'm scared because too many people are strangers.
Im scared because too many people are cold
I'm scared because my whole life I've been around small groups of people.
I'm scared because of other people I'm no longer good at what I do.
I'm scared because by having the same passion as me they stole it .
I'm scared because people are society
I am ridiculed by society

Don't ever build yourself on a person, as stable and sturdy as they seem, they're not.
You cant rely on people

It's in the essence of the sadness that I wallow
Deep in the depths of the melancholy valleys
Each breath a patient arey countdown awaiting such an urgent end
It's the great escape
It's the oxycotton
They're the air bubbles in the drip
They're the spiders in my veins trying to break free
It's the remedy for now

I've never felt so alone before
A room full of friends but strangers

Breathe in it'll all be fine

The breath burns like a menthol hitting my chest

That little glimpse of hope that just kinda gets pulverised by reality

I wear my heart on my sleeve
My facade says it all

I don't like being "happy"

Because happiness is only momentary

It's an erratical state

It can last days or it can last for minutes, either way it always ends too quickly.

And then your kind of thrown into that limbo of sadness and melancholy

There isn't a light at the end of this , because your not in a tunnel

You're just there , you're not even stuck because this isn't a momentary state


We're cutting out the *******, ,lets be honest

Life *****

Situations ****

Family ****

Friends , if you can call them that........ ****

There's no such thing as stability,
there's no haven,
there's no safe word
, there's no pause

There's no stopping it

That's just how it is

Its that eternal numbness that just seeps it's way in

as poisons and suffocates the mind

until everything is just ,

grey

This  my harmartia
I know it
I live with it I despise it every day
I fight with it
I see it
I thought you accepted it
I trusted you , felt safe with you  
Now I don't
I don't want to see you
I don't want to talk to you
I don't want to be with you
I don't want to be around you
I don't want your love because I don't believe in it anymore

Okay

I guess the path I chose is more likely to be mocked due to the stereotypes that are connected with it. Art School/Design School

But I'm okay with that because yeah I might look like I'm  trying to be "unique"  and "original"around you , when actually a lot of the time I'm trying to fit in, but to be quite frank, I just wasn't  meant to.

Where I am now is home of the unimaginable  and I finally feel I am where I belong. I fit in for once ( well it's actually as close as I'm going to get to fitting in within a social mass of  people)

Because I didn't make the same choice as the majority  of my  friends which would've landed me at the same Univeristy as them ,in a degree that would take one year less to complete, and probably leave me feeling a lot more intellectual , I still stand by my decision.

Because I made that decision for myself.

If this wasn't worth it for me I wouldn't do it

Yes it ***** being isolated a lot of the time This has only  shown me that friendship is a two way street, It's taught me that the people that are meant to be in your life will most definitely stay in it

It ***** that every six. Weeks we're thrown into a new mix but I guess you could say I'm  becoming prone to adjustment .You could say I'm almost used to having to constantly change , this didn't come easy for me because personally I  am not a fan of change in general

And all of this is mind ***** but a small insight on my  life currently

But It's okay
It's going to be okay
And I'm okay

I  came across a picture of a bird drawn over pages of a book, it made me think back to college and how we would be given tasks to draw or paint things.
Now usually an exemplar of some sort would be put up at the front of the class and before you know it you have about twenty very frustrated girls trying to copy this bird and not quite being able to. This then made me think what if the teacher just told us to draw a bird and put nothing up at the front of the class except for the words "Draw a bird". If the teacher did that what would the birds be like?

We don't need twenty photocopiers or twenty pieces of carbon paper, What we need is twenty different perceptions and ideas.

Art isn't the system, we don't have to suffocate our creativity cause it fits into a circle instead of a sqaure

The relapse has already begun

He doesn't know that and I hope that he won't.

He doesn't realise the aftermath of saying something like that to someone like me.

He doesn't know about the bottles and bottles of water to feel full,

He doesn't know about the counting of calories.

He doesn't know what goes on behind the bathroom stalls

He doesn't know the reason I have a toothbrush to purge and a different one for my teeth.

He doesn't know about the tracking of kilometers reached,

He doesn't know about the regret of takeout,

He just doesn't know how bad it is

She pollutes the starry night skies
with her aspirations,
its her imagination
the only thing pushing life forward
Her dreams and her hopes
They're  her motivation
They're the coal to the fire
They're the oxygen to the living
They're the land to the sea
It's the optimism in this pessimistic hell hole

I know you , you tear everything apart
I know you you take but never give
I know you, you laugh while I cry
I know you, you rue the peace
I know you, you destroy everything in your path.
I know you, you rip homes apart.
I know you , you created that monster.
I don't know her because she's no longer her.
I don't know them you've destroyed them all

It's the bottomless rabbit holes,

Ears ringing of hell bound silence

All just waiting for a new dawn to break,

Be patient my love

Home is you

Home is no longer my family ,
Home is no longer where I live or stay,
Home is no longer the things I own
Home is you

You've become my home,

I've grown accustomed to you,

Your part of my everything,

It's probably deemed unhealthy at our age.

You're presence just numbs pain , it comes back when you're gone

I know you know it's there, and I know you try to shield me from my own hurt, but there's nothing you can do to stop it, misery and misfortune loves me and it always has.

I don't even know what home is anymore

Poverty stricken
Looking for a sign?
Constrained , Confined?
Nothing here is divine

They look at me as if i were a ***
But what i am is a mother’s son.

Hard to tell who here isn’t a victim
Of the political capitalist system

No need for a new flags
We already have enough
Glam rags

Money spends fast
Poverty doesn’t live in the past

I just want to know what he did to you to break you this much

You've been through worse yet you let this break you

He destroyed you with a verb a and two adjectives

That's all it took, not even a sentence

I saw no beauty in happiness , it seemed  banal and inaccessible to me. Pain was more easy for me to describe because I knew it so well.

You're the ambient light that dawns through the cracks of my door in the lonely dark of the night

If a creative falls in love with you, your love will never die

Days past before they knew I was really gone. It wasn’t my fault it was hers. She reels you in with her false hopes, I try to ignore them but her whispers morph into eccentric thuds and before you know it you’re drowning.

She Sits in my belly distant yet close. The old tedious Lady hope.“Just give me a chance” she begs I glare at her in disgust. She questions me “Why do you keep me here if you aren’t willing to listen to me?”. I freeze and stare at her. She knows why I won’t let her leave but she just wants to hear it. I refuse to give her the satisfaction. I like to think that I don’t need saving, even if I do.

She keeps her distance and for good reason. She’s an old acquaintance, she isn’t fond of me and nor am I of her yet she doesn’t often leave me. She knows deep down that if it wasn’t for her I would be alone and unprotected.  She whispers words of encouragement and only speaks of optimism. I constantly discard it.
She whispers to me sweetly “you’ll escape you will be someone somewhere”. She tried to escape yesterday so I locked the door. She’s grown tired of me neglecting her.
I pushed her too far and with that she was gone. There I was unprotected. Alone and Vulnerable. Just waiting to be ****** into a whirlpool of my own troubles.

“One day in town at the edge of the world the tide went out and never returned. At first people were little more than puzzled. A desert of unbelievable magnitude was forming before their very eyes”.
It swallowed me whole took me right out into the ocean. We both vanished without a trace. Not a drop to be seen. She had left me for good.

Hope ran away but truth soon replaced her.
Truth was always blunt and never held anything back it made me miss hope. I realised that you don’t appreciate something until it’s gone.
Truth would try to manipulate me and play me like a puppet. Truth liked to play God and watch me suffer. I was trapped because with truth came all the lies that had been hiding it. The lies are what hurt the most. Perhaps their intentions were good but the outcome wasn’t.
Waves washed over me attempting to cleanse me, help me, push me up to shore. Hope had returned but she was too late I had already drowned.
People began to notice the empty seat in class and the oceanless beach. The ocean had left and taken me with it. A sudden eruption of panic and despair trembled in their voices as they searched for the ocean and I.
It was for certain that I was gone. A melancholy shadow swept the whole town. Once the adrenalin had left, everyone was overpowered with fear.“They had no choice but to face each other in their loss together and alone”.
Our memory faded quickly, everyone began to grow comfortable and fill in all our ugly holes. It bothers me that I was that easily forgotten then again I didn’t exactly try to make my mark because all I wanted to do was leave. I guess this was just a different way of leaving.

There's wounds in your heart, carving tunnels of hate and sadness. This isn't you, but this is what life has done to you.
It's making you cold and bitter
You are human,
Made of flesh bones and spirit
Your spirit weakens as your load begins to weigh you down.
Your bourdon can't be shared.
You have to bare this on your own kiddo.
But know that the rain cries with you.
The rain knows your pain and she sorrows with you.

I don't want to talk to people that were there
I want to talk to people that are there
Even the comfort of a stranger

I kept every flower you have ever given  me.
I fed them until they ceased life.
Then I dried out the beautiful broken fragments that were left
Because I have a plan.

Today you gave me flowers
But these were a different type of flowers.
These were I'm Sorry flowers,  
You've never given me I'm sorry flowers before

I don't know if I want to keep these like I have the other ones.

Because I have a plan for all the dead flowers

I want them at our wedding,

But these flowers are sorry, and I don't know if I want all the other flowers polluted by the Sorry ones.

Just disguise the insanity and call it creativity and suddenly people have a new profound respect for you, the trick is hold up the sane facade.

It's my version of self medicating that's the worst

I go down hill at full through an almost I finite tunnel of numbness
The melancholy sweeps over me paralyzing me I can't move.
I'm stuck in this rut.

Then the poison is the only way to make me feel alive again.

We all want to feel alive

We want that adrenalin

I'd **** for the rush, while risking myself

Then it happens, it's the all time high,
nothing can be better for a night
and then you're left with your head between your knees on the next train home with the over sized glasses  feeling like you've just survived a plane crash.

But it's my remedy

I become reckless to prove a point to myself
That I can do and be whoever I want

When I look back I call it idiotic and stupid and lie and say its a regret but it's really not

I put the facade of hate towards my actions
But really it was a thrill that is now etched in my veins.

So I slither back into reality until the next problem or coldness hits
and I'm back at square one

It's a fever I can't sweat out
They're becoming my roots
It already has a pattern

It's attempting to form a routine

watch me
watch me as stuff your mouth with flowers


watch me
as i hide your knives in my ***** draw


watch  me
as you strangle me in my sleep but im too ashmed to tell anyone

watch me
as i accept all the im sorry's and i didnt mean to's

watch me
as i t protest that this was all an over reatcion to the police that visit me each month concerned for mine and my childrens saftey

watch me
as i make the biggest mistake ive ever made and wont be the only one paying for it

So I’ve become that pessimistic thing everyone loves to hate in the world.

I kinda like to take the pain full front and so other people don't have to feel it.

I'll spend however long I have to trying to make people feel better and be happy ,  because I would never want anyone to be as sad as I've been and am.

I don’t mind it because when someone looks at you who knows you and tells you that your favourite colour is black  (which isn’t actually a colour) I realize I’m this idealistic cliché of a cynic.

Everyone’s grown comfort in the cynical outlook I have and wont ask me to change.
” Because that’s how she’s always been”

“She’s always broken and destructive, that’s just her”

"She's always a mess"


Believe it or not I wasn’t always like this but I must admit I struggle to remember times when I wasn't like this

When the knife hits the skin
Oh the pain within
The moans aren't alone
They're comforted with raindrops of red
They're puddling onto the floor
Each drop an echoing tap
There's a rhythm now
It has a pulse
Each collective drop , a beat
The sound of death awaiting

I think it's my fault, it always is.

I get too attached.

I'm just too needy

Sometimes I just enter a melancholic state of fear that ill **** it all up, caus that's what I always do.

I care too much and I strangle the life out of it

I'm that scared in going to lose you and I couldn't handle that, and yes I know how selfish I'm being but I just can't help it .
You're the only person I want to talk to.
You're the only person I would do anything for.

I'm sorry I care too much.

I'm sorry the way I show I care just comes off as clingy and needy.

Grotesquely vague
The obscene, hell bound silence
Each step a milestone of triumph
The valleys are dark, she holds her breath for each dawn
The bitter taste
The strands fall out until your head is naked and furless
The convulsions of radiation so ******,
creating eruptions of decay
You won't let this win
You won't be slayed
The apathetic walls just glare, they've seen it all
It's all they know
Your hope begins to fade
The darkness begins to sweep over you
Your that skeletal anatomy on display
Your empty and hollow
There's not much left anymore
Your deteriorating as we speak

It's odd
It's odd because when your world crumbles. nothing cares.
Everything looks the same, it's just you that's different.
Theres no apocalypse
There's no new entrance to hell opening up before your very  eyes,
It just stays the same.
Time doesn't stop for anyone no matter how much your hurting inside , but that's the beauty of  time; there is no mercy in it.

The doors beep like an ominous life support we are all just trapped in this large piece of metal hoping to get to wherever we want to wander

"You're going to be okay" is just a lie that people tell you because they don't know what else they can do

Don't get too comfortable,

they'll and forget about you again,  

they'll  leave really soon,

So keep your distance so it won't hurt

so much when they do

that feeling whe everything just goes so fast and then suddenly the breaks are slammed on

the tape gets jammed

the impact is crucial to the vital signs

the gut wrenching drop of hope

I dont know whats going to happen from here on out i just hope it doesn't end

This is the sort of pain you can't sleep with

This is the sort of pain that's so acute you can't even fall asleep crying

This the sort of pain where you feel your head beginning to swell with erupting migraines

To be in love is one of the scariest things you can do, because sooner or later one of you is going to stop caring as much as the other.And before you know it your the only one playing

Well the numbness hasn't quite subsided,
But it lingers there beautifully.
It haunts me in it's ominous glory.
The world freezes for a minute , maybe a while
It's what gives me a chance to breathe
But then life whispers in my ear and there I am back to square one.
I yearn for that numbness I once owned
The more it happens the quicker it all fades
I need the fix again
You taunt me with your absence
You're the fix but not anymore

I didn't know I consumed enough water to produce this many tears

I define myself by Absence