Beautiful
That's what I thought
When I saw her
I didn't know it then
Everything about her
Was what I wanted to be
What I wanted to love
To envelope
To keep
I didn't know it then
That she would be my rock
My uprise
And then my downfall
She was a symphony
A mess of danger and teasing smiles
She was wild hair
Fire and sunshine
Iron and cotton
She was both a goddess
And a warm bed
My solace at midnight
My birdsong in the early morning
The perfect cup of coffee
And a smooth shot of tequila
Life with her in it was artwork
An exquisite disaster
Everything I didn't deserve
She was needles and pinecones
A rough exterior guarding a gentle heart
But her arms were a comfort
Her voice a lullaby
In the static of the world
She was a bright crimson stripe
A vibrant array of color
Amidst the dull black and white
Everything I needed
And nothing I could have
I was a fool then
I can still taste the regret on my lips
Feel the longing in my bones
I can feel her when it rains
And hear her in the still of the night
The memory of her is burned into me
Like a brand
Or a scar
Or the sting of despair
I could have held on
If I'd known how vital she was
The spine of my life
The nerves
The very air I breathed
If I'd known I needed her then
Loved her
I could've had a heart as vast as the earth
A love deeper than the oceans
Passion that overtook volcanoes
I could have had her
At least for a while
But that would have been enough
If only I'd known

I always said if you were happy
Then I would find a way to be

You must be pretty miserable right now

Winter came and I was alone,
Not unlike how I'd been alone before
But somehow worse.
Deeper.
I tried to reach out but
There was a part of that loneliness that called to me.
It told me it needed me.
That it could change.

The sun will rise again
The gnarled branches will bloom
The forest will yawn
And sleepy sighs will follow
The frost will melt
And the soil will give birth
To a new world
Dawn is coming
The creatures sing with her arrival
Gone will be the ice
That separated us from her warmth
Shadows will dissipate
And the wild will grow anew
Our bodies will thrive
My body is her garden
Soothed by her presence
Awakened by her opening eyes
I am a part of her
One with the earth and the creatures roaming
This is our rebirth
Our celebration
Together we welcome the morning
We feast through the glorious day
And by fire light we pray for the harvest
Welcome, mother
We have been waiting

When my eyes are closed
The world is beautiful
Suspended in the ethereal sound
Of my own mind working like
A ticking clock
There is music in here
It reminds me of a simpler time
Of green grass and the summer wind
Laughter and peaches
The sticky remains wetting my lips
Almost like a kiss
Or maybe
The kiss is what lingered there
Reminding me of the peaches instead
The first laugh
And the second
And the third
When I turn my sight from the present
I can remember clearly
Dancing in noiseless basements
Lying on the asphalt of an abandoned driveway
Entertaining the stars with our talks
Discussions of the world and our dreams
Of theories and beliefs and imaginings
I can feel the bravery
And the fear
The shivering rush of you
Making my spine quiver
Oh I remember
My heart has never raced so hard
My blood was never so warm
I experienced you less like a first love
And more like a thunderstorm
In awe and terrified all at once
I've never missed fear before
I fell in love with you
The way the angels fell from heaven
It felt like revival
Like coming home
Loving you felt like drowning
And flying all at once
The touch of your hand strengthened me
The loss of it shattered me
You were an earthquake
A beautiful disaster
The first truly lovely thing
And the last truly devastating
I loved you with urgency of a monsoon
With the power of a raging flood
With the mercy of the blooms in spring
And the honesty of fresh fallen snow
I grieved you when you left
I'd never felt a pain so sharp
A despair so intense
Mourning the loss of you
Was a darkness on my heart
An island of anxious thoughts
Endless nights and wary eyes
My cheeks were chapped and raw
Months were spent in silence
I couldn't speak your name
But I could scream it
And I did
I'd never begged before
But my god I begged for you
I bled myself dry for the stars
Hoping for a glimpse
Willing your face to appear
At the bottom of those stairs and then
It didn't
That hole was never filled
That place never taken
Thunderstorms crumbled to dust
The stars faded in the city light
And rain felt like muddy pant legs
Nothing was beautiful or true
I found solace in the arms of strangers
I became a stranger myself
In the end I found myself missing you anyway
Though the person I am doesn't know you
And the person I was is gone
My soul recognizes those eyes
And it will never let you go

The trees are pathways
The sky is my sea
The rain on the sill is my freedom
I am a ghost here
Though I never died
I'm a phantom of who I once was
A memory of a girl
But the rivers, lakes, and roads
The rushing sound of the ground underway
The rumble of thunder
The soft scratch of snow
Pressed under sodden boots
The heat of the sun
Wrapped warmly around my cheeks
All of these things
They're inches away
My heart sings a woeful tune for them
A longing and desperate song
The need filling me to the brim
The need to feel the salt water in my veins
The mountain air in my lungs
The soil staining my skin
To hear the earth
Living
Breathing
Consuming
To let the fires burn
And the storms rage
To watch the mighty heart of nature
Shake us to the core
When the wolves howl
I also cry out
When the wind whistles
I also start to breathe
The wild calls to me like an old friend
A love so old
Unable to be shaken
So confident
In the way it caresses my soul
I long to succumb to its embrace
To fold myself in blankets of ferns
Or blossoms
Or roots
I long to hear her whispering
To return to the girl I used to be
I yearn for the power of her presence
The vitality of her that lives in my soul
For the breath of life
That she grows at the tips of her fingers
I am her child and though I am lost
I have not forgotten
That her rivers run through me
And the water will one day
Call me home

I had this thought
To chase the moon
It only came
When I found you
And when I reached up
Towards the sky
The stars fell down
To carry me high

They said
Tell me your dreams
******* the moon
Tell us your secrets
And we'll sing you a tune
The song of the wind
The voice of the stars
We'll carry you away
We'll carry you far
We'll show you the mountains
The rivers and rains
We'll take you to castles
Over oceans and plains
We'll rise with the sun
As the darkness retreats
And bounce on the lily pads
Where the dew drops meet

With those stars in my eyes
While I soared on the clouds
I stretched out my arms
And sang out loud

Take me to the deepest waters I seek
Take me to the mountain peaks
Give me wings so I may fly
And kiss the heavens
And taste the sky
Show me the world
Alive and thriving in love
Give me the strength
Of the storms raging above
I want to see
Where the stars are born
Bring me to the ridges
Where snow like a blanket is worn

I want to see it all

And so we flew
Over valleys and seas
We chased the horizon
Til I could no longer breathe
We soared over cities
And glided through towns
We saw many people
Before they set me back down
And as the stars
Released my hands
I sank to my knees
As one with the land
And as I laid down
With still stars in my eyes
Every memory I made
Slowly passed by
Playing like a movie
As my chest fell still
And I could still hear the tune
Of the stars playing over the hills

Tell us your dreams
Girl from the moon
Did you chase the horizon
Did our promise stay true
With no more secrets
To pull you into the dark
You'll have your wings
When the land quiets your heart
And you'll rise with the sun
To see the world with new eyes
You'll stretch out your limbs
And race through the sky
No longer will you be
The ******* the moon
Just a spirit of love
The spirit of you

Slowly then
Do I drift away
Closing my eyes
No words left to say
And for a beat
No less and no more
All is dark
But just as I was assured
As the sun rises
So do I
And without hesitation
I take to the sky