There's nothing
more heartbreaking
than the feeling of
being alone
even when there are
so many people
around you

People underestimate
far too much
far too often
the pain experienced
by
a nice guy

The nice guy
has been hurt too
True
but that didn't stop him
from being
exactly who he is

Everyone
has different things to offer
and he knew this,
reminded himself
Every single time
anyone came close to him

That's why
when he says
"I understand"
believe him
when he says so
because
the number one thing
to insult any kind of nice guy
is to tell him
"No, you don't"

Why fear nightmares
when there is
the false beautiful reality
that we call
**a dream

I wonder
if the cells in your body
have the slightest idea
that they are part
of something
beautiful

I can feel it in the sky
you are happy
with the sky
and a sunset like that
there is nothing
to frown about
for you have a star
to brighten your
dark skies
a constellation
for your awe
you have a galaxy
that smiles upon you
and you upon it
and neither
Orion or Cassiopeia
can compare

**I just hope to hear
your adventure soon

"I was ready to die anytime
but then I met a special girl
She made me want to go on living
and for the first time in a long time
I was afraid of death"

We're all in a constant wave of particles
moving randomly through double slits
waiting for us to arrive where we are
without knowing where we came from

Have you ever seen
a daylight shooting star?

It shines brighter than
the big yellow sun
and you can barely
see anything else
other than it

Sadly, it's one
of the saddest things
cause it comes to orbit
really quick and yet
it moves away after
every sighting

It shines once you see it
it shines brighter than
any other existence
within orbit and yet
no one seems to
see, hear, or witness it

sometimes, I'd like to believe
what people say when I say
"I've seen a daylight shooting star"
people believe that
I have seen
"far too many suns
to believe that*"

You were once
a reminder
of what I am not
A Dead Man
no sooner, I hope
but when i see you
worried
in every visit
to the hospital
I can't help
feeling the dread
I have caused you

In every fake smile
you pull
that you are okay
just so
I wouldn't feel bad
It breaks my heart
every time
that you
had to lie to me
instead

I am torn
between
loving you
and
letting you go
because
you
deserve love
greater than
my debt to you

Only the rain
understands
the pain
I feel
today

It happened
year
after
year
after
year
...
A calamity would strike
September 28
or at least the week
where the date lands
and usually,
people die,
homes get wrecked
the sky turns grey
school gets suspended
and
I'd be left alone
in the cold dark blackout
just waiting for the day to end
...
Probably, that's why I don't really
look forward to birthdays
...
I didn't really wish for anything
every time it's my birthday
cause I've experienced way too many
of those wishes not coming true
wishing for the rain would stop
or the light to come back home
or a birthday where everyone's safe

The few minutes I had before today started
I tried once more, I tried wishing again
Know that I probably used up all my luck
I probably used up all my unused wishes
all the unblown, unlit candles
just for this one wish I wish for today

"I wish we'd all be friends again"

She's the beginning
of this gentle insanity
as I'm falling deep
into her charms
all over again

Night and day
Day and night
Begins and ends
with her image

And even in the littlest
reaches of her hand
I open my door to her
and in every release of it
I await again and again
until her palm is again
within reach
with the same questions
every. single. time.
in my mind

"What am I to you?"
"What do I mean to you?"

When you wake up
with broken heartstrings
after every reach
you learn so much
after each awakening

That I love her enough
to bludgeon the thought
engrave it to my skull
and accept the fact that
I am now only a friend that
exists to her
**only when I am needed

Things changed
Stars rearranged

You were
the
tomorrow
I looked
forward to

I guess, if you would ask me
"Do you smoke?"
I would probably, jokingly say
"Yes, I do"
Because, I have this need to have it
in my lungs once in a while
(the smoke, I mean...)
Especially, when my lungs
couldn't handle it anymore
and the overbearing stress
overwhelms me

I have my "cigarettes" with me
all the time
and when I need to take a break
I would usually pull it out
and take a puff of the bittersweet
air that fills my lungs

There's that satisfaction whenever
I'd take a puff
It's like my lungs finally breathed in
real fresh air

Sometimes, when I need a stronger dose
I would resort to a more "mechanical"
kind of cigarette
Kinda like your bongs and ****

I too make those ephemeral patterns
most of the time, from my mechanical cigarette
and sometimes, with my mobile one
just for fun

People do worry for me as well
the "non-smokers" that have that
same curiousity of
"What does it feel like?"
"How often do you take a puff"
"I wanna try, but it seems dangerous"
And I too feel that annoyance where
people tell you to take better care of
yourself whenever you'd take a puff

So, I guess..
Yes, I do smoke
Just a different kind of smoke
You take in your smoke
I take in mine
The only difference is
I'm not killing myself

Dad started drinking again

He spoke
things broke

The universe is cruel.
No debate on that.
As it plots existences
one by one
in the continuum of its being
We yearn closely for meaning
as we come close to concepts
love, truth, reality

We are but lines
plotted by it
existing through space-time
moving without knowing
and yet with direction
as per instructed by it

As movement goes
little did we know
there are lines similar
almost perfect
to one another
moving past this part of the plane
yearning to be with each other

but alas,
the universe is cruel in so many ways

these lines were plotted in curvature
and yet ever so gently
it moved closely
so near to being one like many
but to dismay has disruptions
wrong plots, slopes, instances
to a state where points never touch

the universe plots and plots
and yet never in its
right mind
cooperated

Have you seen a really fat kid
sitting along the far corners of the cafeteria?
Or a kid in the waiting area by himself
reading books or staring into the blank space?
Not to forget the kid being bullied
in the bathroom just because he came to school today?
...
I was them. Well... I'm still them at times
(Most of the time actually)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It's not that I didn't like talking to people
People just didn't talk to me
I honestly didn't know what to say to people
People didn't know what to say to me

Apparently, Quantum Mechanics wasn't really
a topic 6th Graders talked about
and Classical Music isn't something
that kids my age were fans of

I've lived like that my entire childhood
Until one day, I told myself off
One day, I woke up saying
"Someday, someone will talk to me"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So I guess, it'd be funny to honestly say that
I used to take notes of people around me
I kept a notebook around before
that had all the things that could help me
get to know someone more

I confess that I used to practice speaking a lot
I used to practice on a mirror
of what to say to other people,
especially when they're not feeling okay

I used to talk to myself all the time
Usually of what to say when someone
feels a certain feeling like anger, hurt, or hate
Joy, love, sadness... I've practiced words a lot
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I did all this just for one reason
Practiced  day and night and fought through agony
All I wanted ever since I was a child
was to gain a friend

We knew what we felt for each other
though sadly, they face other directions
A few seconds, we spoke only the two of us
in those seconds were the words that crushed me
"I'll be a bad girl"
...
Why?
Why do you do this to yourself?
Why did it return?

I'm not sure anymore
if I watched over you
too much
or
too little
but in any
possible circumstance
...
You shouldn't do this

how can you stand there
so beautifully
and know nothing of it?

quadriplegic
polychythemic
a voice behind my ears
golden fields
winds I feel
eyes shed my tears
sunbeam lights
pale blue skies
vast meadowy hills
voice I listen
her tone glistens
vision disappears
heartfelt stories
of sights of glories
and yet excites all my fears
I open my eyes
smiles so wide
vision suddenly clears
sits on my lap
then a gentle tap
as I sit with much drear
I close my eyes
awake to familiar sights
my eyes cover with tears

"The nice guy has been hurt too, he just chose to stay nice.
He learned that different people were going to provide him
different things in life.
The nice guy chose not to let any of it
change who he was."

There were many that new her name
Knew her by how she looks
but.. what's so special about that?

I once heard that
To know her scent though...
It means something else
It means we've close
closer than anyone

I dare say I'm lucky..
that I was once there
close to you
right beside you
...
But when you're away
when you don't want me
and it's just...
your
scent
with
me
...
I could only feel
forgotten

I fear that one day
one of these days
I'll become a
stranger to you
And you will flow passed me
effortlessly
just like the air
beneath and above
just waiting for you
to breathe me in

Nighttime coffee
with just the two of us
etching memories
on that side of the shop
laughing, smiling, crying
with the cold air around
remembering and forgetting
whatever worries we had before
looking back at that moment
where hearts were
as transparent as they can be
the time we lost was realization
that we can never be
unless you make it be
for there will be a day
not too long from now
that you and I will part
farther than the universe
can ever imagine
where your pulse grows stronger
and mine grows weaker

if today or the next
will be my (hopefully not) last
know that I want to be
the last who'll ever be
the one who hurts you

Honestly**
There were times that I try to convince myself that I don't like you
You're loud and giddy
and most of the time, a real klutz
You'd probably have a sprain on every other day that I'd get to see you
You're annoying and pretentious at times
and your imagination really does take flight whenever you'd see my drawings.
You're crazy in more ways than one.
I don't even know how that's possible!

I'd sometimes tell myself that I hate you
I'd tell myself these:
I hate how she's loud and giddy
because you'd have these eyes that glow every time you'd have a story
I hate how you're getting sprains because you were so immersed in your own world
sometimes, I hate that you'd come to me about it, because I would care too much
I hate how you annoy me sometimes, especially when I draw or study because you'd get too close to me and it makes my heart beat so fast, I'd get tachyarrythmia
When you get pretentious.. I hate how I'd like to listen to your stories, because well.. you tell it so engagingly
it sickens me
I hate how you're so crazy it makes my day so different from every other boring day I'd get before I met you.

I keep telling myself these
every single day
to make myself not fall in love with you
and before I knew it.. all this time.
I'm in love with you

If music was the closest thing to the mind of God
I'd write songs and score sheets with you name
For every time one would sing a song about you
Your name will be embedded in His grace

If writing was the greatest thing mankind has ever made
I'd write every poem, ode, sonnet in your name
For every human being that reads about you
Your beautiful name will be immortalized in our brains

If art is the only way to see in a mind of another
Every painting, drawing, sketch sculpture, would have your face
For every moment that one would see a work of art
They would see what I see in you every time you'd smile

I had a dream once
where the light
finally took me
and the pain stopped,
eternal bliss and euphoria
stepped up and gunned
me down to never ending joy
as if for once,
the universe cooperated
but you looked at me
with a pained look
in your eyes
more than I have ever seen
and it hurt me
to see you scream in agony
as your tears fell
clattering on my deathbed
wishing I could be there
to wipe your tears of
your lashes

but I lay there helplessly
only to regret
not holding you more
than I should have
before the light took me

Is it bad to want to be a part of your life that makes you smile*?

It hurts
to see
people
hurt
themselves
when they
have lives
longer than
yours